You know the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
By this standard, we are all, to some degree, insane.
On December 31, I always write myself a motivational letter with a list of things I want to accomplish in the coming year. I write that I should spend more time with friends, commit to a regular workout routine, stop reading on my phone so much, and be more patient and positive overall.
I write these same things EVERY year because, despite my self-awareness, my capacity to change remains limited. Maybe if these things were life and death, I’d be more motivated, but since they’re optional, I treat them like they’re optional. Sadly, I’ll probably have the same issues 10 years from now.
Today, I got a powerful reminder of how pervasive this is - how nothing changes unless we make a concerted effort to change it. If years or decades go by and you’re still in the same place, at some point, you have to stop making excuses and start looking in the mirror.
On March 25, 2021, I got a long email from a stranger named Marlene. I added the bolding to highlight what felt most important to me.
I've been dating a man that claims he loves me and it's almost 2 years. He's so good to my kids ( which I appreciate since l'm a single mom of 3 little girls). He always says how he loves me more but never discusses our future. He's now planning a Disney trip with his 8 year old daughter and my 3 kids come October. That would make us together 2 years and 4 months. I'm sure he will have me pay for half. Again I'm a struggling mom yet always am sure to pay him back.
I get he's been through 2 bad marriages, but I'm now 41 and he's 46. I'm not getting any younger and feel very insecure and trying hard to look pretty and young and do everything right.
As I said, he's an awesome dad replacement for my kids as my ex whom I was married to for 10 years neglected me and this boyfriend of 2 years is awesome to them. Yet he's always at MY house that I own now and acts like we are husband and wife without the commitment. He seems committed but not in a future sense if that makes any sense to you.
That's where l'm confused. He's very loyal and always at my house, but he gets upset whenever I discuss our future together. Am I crazy to even care? He says he does so much for me and my kids which he does, but I expect more. More like a future together.
I should be grateful after all I went through and be empowered that I own this home by myself. And I do. Yet I'm confused. Honestly, I'm happy the way things are with my boyfriend, but I feel pissed that he plays the husband role when we aren't even married! He has his own home and I have mine. Yet he acts like he's married to me without any mention of an actual proposal. And he pisses money away like Disney but still no ring.
Please let me know I'm wrong here for wanting more. I must be a real dumb ass. I love the guy so much because he's the only man that I can see accepting me for being a single mom of 3 kids. He really does show his love, but again it's on his timeframe, never considering mine and I'm going to be 42 in April. I feel so old and ugly. But I'm ok with that.
Sadly, I get emails like this all the time. I can’t respond to each one but I have a blog where I answered 1000 questions like this and a podcast where I encourage women to act with confidence and abundance. If Marlene did any Googling, she would learn that I’d tell her to immediately dump him. 2 1/2 years into their relationship, they should be engaged and planning a wedding, not debating about whether they want the same things out of life.
This is not what happened.
This morning, I received another long email from Marlene.
I'm taken aback with your relationship articles l've stumbled upon that have given me peace. Your words that touched my heart, matching my morals unlike the majority of authors on relationships.
I expect no response given how popular and in demand you are. In fact, not to be selfish, but asking these questions knowing you don't have an opportunity to answer still feels good to let it out.
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. The first year he'd tease bringing up how good his last name would sound on me. That comment made me smile, gave me hope knowing I loved him and want that, as marriage is an end goal. (Was married once for 10 years and he was married twice). He said to my face then that most men know if they want to marry…found the "one" in 2 years.
After year 2 and no plans nor discussions of our future, I brought this up. Only that discussion initiate heated arguments. Fast forward, and now it's 5 years later. No ring or even his discussion to move in together.
He owns his home and I own my own. He comes by after work around 6-7 pm. We watch TV, then he leaves to go back to his own house, leaving me to sleep alone every other weekend. It's so nice then to feel his arms wrapped around my waist, falling asleep together.
There’s so much more but the main issue is we aren't progressing after 5 years. It's obvious he's comfortable with the way things are. To me, I feel used, as he's taking years away from me. I've brought this up quite bluntly many times and he either dismisses the conversation, accuses me to be crazy. He's said in the past when bringing this up to let it go...that will happen when he's ready. Well, it's been 5 years.
I've thought of various options on ways to leave him. I've been single for over a decade before! Problem is I'm sooooo much older at age 44. He's 49.
I'm aware my only option is to break up or stay a confused, conflicted miserable "girlfriend". It's hard especially when I depend on him to help me with snow plowing, yard work & many things as a single mom homeowner can't do on their own.
Marlene wrote two emails saying the same things, almost 3 years apart, And here’s the punchline: she didn’t even remember writing the first email!
When I pointed this out to her, she saw that she’s LIVING the definition of insanity, waiting for her boyfriend to step up or change, rather than realizing this IS who he is - a selfish, commitmentphobic man who is perfectly content with the status quo. He doesn’t break up with her because he’s content with the relationship and knows that Marlene’s not going to leave.
Why does she stay?
She’s operating from a place of scarcity: “Who would want a single mom of three kids? Who would want a woman in her 40s?”
She’s operating from a place of fear: “How can I survive without a man to help around the house?”
She’s operating from a place of weakness: even a discussion about commitment leads to him getting angry and gaslighting her.
She’s operating from a place of stasis: Marlene already knew something was amiss after 2 years. 3 years later, he’s the same guy he always was, he still hasn’t moved in with her, and he’s refusing to consider marriage.
To use Love U terminology, Marlene is treating her boyfriend like he’s the last man on earth - as if breaking up with him means she’ll be alone forever.
She won’t.
The sooner she breaks up with him, the sooner she’ll be able to find a marriage-oriented man.
The longer she stays with him, the greater the likelihood that I’ll get another 1000-word email from Marlene three years from now.
And I think that’s a shame.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
What I Got Wrong
Chazz comments on You Don’t Have to Change to Find Love.
“Ultimately, we all have to make tradeoffs to determine what qualities you need in a partner. The thing is: most people don’t want to make any tradeoffs.”
An astute point that goes both ways as well. In case you're one of those guys who wants your future wife to be super intelligent and successful but also kind, nurturing, supportive, agrees with you politically on everything and wants the same number of kids, has no physical or mental health issues with a totally well-adjusted family of origin, and oh yeah, also have a supermodel face and body with a naturally high sex drive and who also thinks there's nothing hotter in a guy than having an encyclopedic knowledge of anime and video games and...you get the idea.
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And as many of your female commenters have pointed out on similar posts, because of the...shall we say, mild differences of being a woman vs. being a man throughout history, the reality is that there will be unavoidable subtext in asking a woman to "sand off her rough edges" that wouldn't exist if one gave a man the same advice. Telling a man to be more masculine and less needy to attract a woman isn't inherently political, but in our cultural zeitgeist, telling a woman to be more feminine and less "alpha" to attract a man would be.
Which I guess you already know, since you wrote this post, but it was something that certainly made me think.
Link That Made Me Think
Can You Ever Really Escape Your Ex? - by Faith Hill
Hill does incredible work for The Atlantic and in her latest, she dives into the age-old question, “whether a “type” really does tend to guide our dating decisions—and, if it does, whether that truly is such a bad thing.”
She discovers that we tend to surround ourselves with like-minded people and that we’re drawn to partners who seem familiar. Many of my clients subconsciously are attracted to unhealthy dynamics they witnessed growing up, whether it was with their mother or father. Or maybe you had a formative relationship with a man who was avoidant and emotionally unavailable and that set your template for how relationships are.
That’s why, in Love U, we try to create new, healthier patterns for love instead of relying on what you’ve been doing your whole life, on your own.
On the Love U Podcast
Why Dating Is Different As You Get Older
My readers often ask me to create specific programs for them. "Why can't you create something for women in their 60s who are facing a smaller dating pool with men who are retired, widowed, unhealthy, and dealing with erectile dysfunction?" The answer is that despite the unique challenges facing women of different ages, 95% of dating and relationship advice is universal. It's about confidence, communication, boundaries, beliefs, and learning to be more effective in dating. But, as a man of the people, I've listened to you and put together this podcast highlighting the unique challenges of dating in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s. Enjoy.
My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week
You Can Also See Me On…
Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff with Kristine Carlson - If you’re hesitant to get back into dating, I hope my conversation inspires you. Carlson is the widow of the bestselling author Richard Carlson, who wrote the “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” series. She’s got a warm way about her and it was a pleasure to outline some of the “how-to’s” for modern dating.
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - Cobra Kai - I can’t tell if it’s good or it’s bad but I’m not sure it matters. It’s compulsively watchable, building on the characters from the 80s movie series into a character-driven series where the good guys are sometimes bad and the bad guys are sometimes good. Just like real life.
Movies - Alien - I hadn’t seen the original since childhood. It holds up. It’s quieter than most action movies today, which have big action set pieces and explosions. The tension of watching each crew member get picked off by the alien is what gives this its power.
Books - James - by Percival Everett - The story of Jim, the slave from Huckleberry Finn, from his perspective. As it turns out, he’s highly educated but intentionally speaks poorly to satiate his white owners. I just finished last night and it blew me away. Character development, action, plot twists - this is a book you’ll want to talk about for hours afterward.
Substack - Death By Situationship - by Magdalene Taylor - If you’re in something that you may term a “situationship,” you’ve already lost. Taylor, a talented young writer, explains why casual hookups are rarely satisfying in the long-run for women.
The Honey Shot
Thank you, Evan. All of your excellent advice has morphed into my inner voice. I’m deeply in love with Chris, and we’ve moved in together, spent the year’s holidays together with our families, got a puppy, and, as this photo indicates, tied the knot!
I’ve suggested to a few friends that they check out your blog, read your book, and get out there to find a person to make a life with. Thank you for all that you do. You DO indeed have a wonderful gift, and my life has been blessed by your thoughtful and heartfelt advice.
I’m thankful for you, Evan.
Much love,
Catherine
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Sadly her story is not exclusive or new. She is definitely not happy and the chap is quite selfish. Frankly as much as it is painful, she needs to let it go. Unfortunately it is what our sexist society show us : if you are a woman up to a certain age and single mum you need to take whatever is available- why we need to put up with it? Hard to be biased but society treat single dads very differently …