A Heartbreaking Conversation

Maybe you’ll see yourself in it?

You’ve loved. You’ve lost.

You’ve been married. You’ve been divorced.

You’ve been on dating apps. You’ve deleted dating apps.

No matter what you’ve done or no matter how you look at it, NOTHING has worked.

Simply being single at a certain age - for some women - is a radical demonstration that dating sucks, men are selfish, and marriage is a waste of time.

This was Gina’s story.

Married 3 times - for 5 years, 10 years, and 20 years - Gina is 71 years old.

She has been on my mailing list for two years and while she felt inspired by my optimism, she still didn’t think she could find love. A few weeks ago, something changed.

Gina booked a call with me, told me her story, shared her feelings, and, by the end of the conversation, enrolled in my six month group coaching program.

She knew that she had to let go of her past baggage, and was excited to trust me to lead her into the first healthy relationship of her life. I was thrilled since it’s extra special working with women in their 70s.

That night, I took my son to the Laker game. At halftime, I got an email.

“I had a panic attack when we got off the phone. I can’t do this. Please send me a refund.”

Gina and I spent 45 minutes on Zoom the following morning.

At the beginning of our conversation, I told Gina I would give her a refund, but I did want to understand her sudden buyers’ remorse. Here’s what she told me.

After her third failed marriage, she has worked extremely hard in achieving peace. She went to therapy. She leaned into her female friendships. She spent more time with her children. She took advantage of her opportunity to travel. And because she’s so content, she doesn’t want to take the risk of losing her freedom.

I would imagine many women reading this right now feel the exact same way.

This is the definition of Safe Solitude. While you protect yourself from ever being hurt, you also protect yourself from ever being loved. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Gina’s logic goes like this: dating is confusing and anxiety producing. Every man I ever married was a disappointment. Being single isn’t that bad. So I’m going to stay single.

It’s impeccable logic, but it starts from a place of fear and failure. It assumes that you won’t make different choices that produce different outcomes.

My logic is equally impeccable - and it’s the inverse of Gina’s:

If dating has been confusing and anxiety-producing, I’m going to remove the confusion and the anxiety. I’m going to guarantee that you don’t get into a relationship with a selfish, low-character man, and if, by chance, you discover the guy you’re seeing isn’t as great as you thought, you will dump him. When you date differently and choose different men, you’ll discover amazing partners who put you first. Now, your relationship won’t feel draining, it’ll feel expansive.

Gina was so afraid of “losing her freedom” that she can’t even imagine a relationship like mine, where my wife and I are best friends - and are free to lead our best lives. And we do it with each other’s support - physical, emotional, financial - especially when times are tough.

You have a choice.

You can stay exactly where you are right now.

Or you can have a partner who takes care of you the way I take care of my wife.

Just don’t tell me that it’s impossible. It’s not. Millions of women are living proof.

You can be next.