My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years. I just turned 50 and was in a horrible marriage to a serial cheater/narcissist up until about 2 months before I met my current boyfriend.
My boyfriend adores me and treats me like a princess yet I feel we are out of alignment in some important areas. He is 53, has never been married, and has no kids. I'm very responsible financially, own a home, have two grown children, and can retire from my college professor job in 7 years.
My boyfriend is a hot mess financially and I think is on a fast track to crash and burn very soon in that area. Sex is so/so but to be fair I'm sure he thinks it's great because I haven't talked about what my needs are. Our hobbies are very different. I come from a large family and he's an only child. I can tell he doesn't enjoy holidays with my family and I always feel pressured to leave earlier than I would like due to that. He drinks and I don't really care to very often. He is 420-friendly and I don't choose that. He has dogs and I have cats. We don't enjoy watching the same things on TV.
I know most of my problem is my own lack of communication about these issues but I'm seriously thinking about breaking up with him rather than trying to discuss the issues due to being conflict-avoidant because of my awful emotionally abusive marriage.
I do love him and he treats me like a princess but I'm not sure if that's enough. How would I even start to discuss these issues since there are so many and I haven't in three years said one thing about any of them?
Anon
Dear Anon,
I know another couple who is facing a similar crossroads.
She’s divorced. He’s never married.
She has a big family. He has a small family.
She’s content and always happy. He’s moodier and into personal growth.
She’s a night person. He keeps normal business hours.
She likes watching sitcom reruns. He likes watching Oscar-winning dramas.
She doesn’t like pets. He loves dogs.
She makes a modest income. He makes 5x more.
She eats whatever she wants. He eats healthy.
She believes in God. He’s an atheist.
If it’s not too obvious by now, she is my wife and he is me. (He is I?)
And if you think I’m trying to convince you to stick with your guy, I’m not.
I’m merely pointing out something that became obvious when reading your list of differences that could become dealbreakers:
In a happy, healthy relationship that’s meant to endure, the differences are things that you laugh at and work around.
In a relationship that’s doomed, the differences are all you focus on.
In a happy, healthy relationship that’s meant to endure, the differences are things that you laugh at and work around.
In a relationship that’s doomed, the differences are all you focus on.
In your letter, you shared only one positive trait about your boyfriend of three years - he treats you like a princess. You even shared it twice.
You deserve credit for acknowledging that finding a nice guy who treats you well is no small task.
But as a dating coach for high-achieving women, my job is to help you RAISE your standards for what you expect from men, not to LOWER them.
This often gets lost when I remind women to put compatibility (how he treats you) on an equal level with chemistry (how you feel about him).
People often think I’m telling women to settle. I assure you: I’m not.
Compromising and settling both involve tradeoffs. The difference between the two is how you feel about it AFTERWARD. You compromise your way into happiness. You settle your way into misery.
Three years into your relationship, you don’t sound particularly happy with it.
Which begs the question: if you’re not happy, why would you want to continue down this path for the next 35 years of your life?
From what I gather, the only reason you’re staying with him is that you’re afraid you can’t find another man who will treat you like a princess.
The only reason you’re staying with him is that you’re afraid you can’t find another man who will treat you like a princess.
That’s a limiting belief. It’s simply not true. If you stay in a relationship where you don’t feel a consistent joyous connection, you’re doing two people a disservice. Him, because he deserves a woman who respects him and sees the best in him. And you, because you deserve a man whom you respect and see the best in.
If I snapped my fingers and handed you a financially stable 53-year-old divorced dad with grown kids, I promise, you wouldn’t worry about his dog or his TV habits. The fact that you’re not content with him is exactly why you’re focusing on his flaws - and you’re not likely to stop.
You now have three challenges awaiting you, Annie.
You need to speak up for your needs. You’ve created bad habits in trying to make things work with your toxic ex-husband. That’s not your fault. Now that you’re free, realize that good men want to make you happy. But they can’t make you happy if you don’t tell them how to please you. There’s a great quote from the book Attached: “You’re only needy as your unmet needs.” It’s up to you to articulate these needs; it’s not up to your man to magically divine them.
You must find the courage to let go of your 3-year relationship - not because I’m suggesting it, but because your email to me suggests that’s what you really want to do. Listen to your heart. It doesn’t lie.
You have to make different choices the next time around. You were married to a cheater/narcissist and then were single for only 2 MONTHS before you met your current boyfriend of three years. That tells me:
You were on the rebound when you met him.
You don’t have much dating experience.
You chose the first nice, interested man to come along and stuck with him, even though you had misgivings the whole time.
In Love U, our central metaphor is that women are the CEOs and men are the interns applying for the job.
You had a job opening after your divorce and the first eager intern got the job after one interview. The intern isn’t performing to your satisfaction - despite his eagerness to please - yet you are still afraid to fire him under the belief that no one else could do the job. That’s where you are today.
As I’ve already mentioned in the brief lifetime of Lovesplaining, the man you’re seeing is not the last man on Earth.
He’s just the guy who got the internship when you were feeling vulnerable.
You deserve to have a connection with your partner that sparks joy. Not sadness. Not resentment. Not wishful thinking about all the ways in which he has to change to be the man you want him to be.
Every second you’re with the wrong man is a second you’re not looking for the right one. I suggest you get on with finding him.
This Week's Love U Story
Thank you for all of your support on my journey, you were instrumental in my life. I try to pass down as much as I can to my boys and my new daughter!
One of your first lessons in Month 1 of Love U about Past Baggage was our primary issue. I had a lot to still work through from my previous marriage. He had been cheated on in his first marriage. We have both had a lot of healing and we are in such a different place now as a couple.
I hope you are well and I have no doubt that your business is thriving. I think of you often and appreciate what you have done and are doing for women.
My husband is the “nice guy with balls” you talked about in Love U. He makes it easy for me to be feminine, relaxed, and the cool girl. ♥️
He makes my heart smile every day, Evan!!
XOXO
Amy
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