Dear Evan,
I have been listening to your Love U Podcast religiously for the past 5 months, every day to and from work. I am a huge fan and have found your content extremely helpful. I know you typically cater to women mid 30's and up, and have mentioned before that you do not get many women in their 20's seeking your help.
Well, I am 26 years old, have been single for almost 1.5 years after a 3 year serious relationship that was extremely toxic. I stayed single for a bit and "did the work" and I have been on 10 dates in the past 13 months, with the longest "relationship" only lasting 6 weeks. I HATE being single and cannot stand when people say dating is supposed to be fun, I find it absolutely insufferable. I just want to find my person.
I had such low standards in my last relationship, so I feel I may be over-correcting and my standards may be too high now. I refuse to date anyone under the age of 30 (my range on the apps is 30-36) not only because I typically lean towards older men, but I have it stuck in my head they are more "mature" or marriage/kid minded and financially stable.
I consider myself very conventionally attractive according to societal standards, and have a hard time giving "average" men a chance at all, or really any man for that matter, for fear they are just using me for my looks.
I am wondering if you could offer some advice to women in their 20's trying to date with intention of marriage and kids. I already keep texting to a minimum, try to meet in person sooner rather than later, and have even begrudgingly tried giving guys outside of my "type" a chance.
It feels like the "pool" of age appropriate men who want serious relationships is more like a tiny, muddy puddle. I feel extreme pressure in dating because I know even if I met someone tomorrow, it would take 2-3 years of dating, then at least a year engagement, and I'd still be in my 30's when having kids barring any fertility issues.
Thank you so much for all you do. As much as I want to enroll in Love U, it is just out of my budget right now so your blog/podcasts/Lovesplaining have been a godsend.
With much appreciation,
Laurel
Dear Laurel,
First of all, thanks for your heartfelt letter. You’ve ably articulated how hard it is to be single, without even sharing all the worst details. Don’t worry, I’m here to help validate everything that’s wrong with dating and men:
Men have infinite options on dating apps.
Men have nothing to say in their profiles.
Men have nothing to say in their texts.
Men will text forever without asking you out.
Men will disappear in the middle of texting.
Men don’t ask questions on the date.
Men try to get sex too quickly.
Men don’t think sex necessarily involves commitment.
Men sleep with multiple people simultaneously.
We can go on, but I am conscious of the value of your time.
The point is that dating is fraught. Phones and apps and Gen Z and nonmonogamy only make things worse - or at least more complicated.
I also want to commend you for your clear-eyed view of dating.
Yes, it will take 2-3 years of dating, plus an engagement before you get married and build a family. You can try to move faster than that, but studies show that people who marry too young have higher divorce rates and people who get married in less than a year have higher divorce rates. Taking your love life seriously in your late 20s and early 30s is a smart idea.
Yet despite your solid grasp of what’s wrong with dating and your desire to do better (less texting, opening up to more guys, etc.), you still have an issue.
You HATE dating!
You want to find your person!
You, and everybody else, Laurel.
Good dating advice is not about right and wrong but “effective vs. ineffective".
So let me ask you which guy will be more effective in dating?
The guy who complains that modern women are too masculine - or the one who loves and respects smart, successful women?
The guy who goes on about how much dating costs him - or the one who gracefully picks up the check?
The guy who says women have too many options and they’re looking for the next best thing or the one who assumes he IS the next best thing?
It seems obvious that confidence, optimism, and positivity are more effective, but when you’re single and those are your feelings, it’s hard to keep them to yourself.
It seems obvious that confidence, optimism, and positivity are more effective, but when you’re single and those are your feelings, it’s hard to keep them to yourself.
This is why I created Believe in Love: 7 Steps to Letting Go of the Past, Embracing the Present, and Dating with Confidence. (Not trying to sell it; just conveying that your answer is closer to 250 pages than 1500 words.)
And since I can hear the pain in your email, I hope that these 7 steps from the program help you find more joy and optimism on the path to love:
Step 1: Let Go of the Past
You led with a story about a toxic boyfriend and 10 ill-fated dates in the past year. That’s rough. At the same time, you know that the next guy has nothing to do with the last guy. Each one is a separate roll of the dice. If you change your choice of men and your methodology for dating, you can have different results. Why should you change? Because neither you nor I can change men.
Step 2: Set Realistic Expectations
You want to find your person now. I did, too, and I went on about 300 dates between 25-35. That’s how long it took to learn my lessons and figure out what I wanted in a partner. I don’t want you to go on 300 dates but I do want you to be a little kinder to yourself and more patient with the process. If you sincerely expect to find your husband on the next date, you are setting yourself up for consistent disappointment.
Step 3: Overcome Negativity
I’m well aware of how bad it is out there. I also know that 90% of college-educated women get married. Every day, I coach women who felt hopeless when they hired me and now have more confidence, optimism, hope, and dating skills. I even received another engagement announcement (and wedding invitation!) from a Love U client this weekend. You are entitled to complain - all of us do - but you can’t get married and have a family if you give up on dating or think the worst of all men.
Step 4: Defeat Your Fear of Failure
Each rejection stings like a paper cut. But what does rejection really mean about you as a human being? Nothing! To meet 300 women, I had to have been rejected by thousands before that. If I had 300 first dates, probably 25% (okay, maybe 35%) didn’t like me. That’s a LOT of failure. But who cares? Getting rejected didn’t mean I was a failure; it only meant I hadn’t found my wife yet. Your self-esteem has to be stronger than the approval of strangers.
Step 5: Reframe Your Beliefs
You said you feel “extreme pressure” at 26 to find your person. You deserve credit for getting ahead of the curve. (The alternative is to call a dating coach at age 44, tell him you want to have two kids, and demand to know if he can make this happen in the next six months.)
As conscious as you are of aging and fertility, you do not need to panic. You just need to keep your standards super high. Not in terms of height, body type, income, and common interests but in terms of finding a man who is emotionally available and wants marriage and kids. Timing is everything in dating and you have to cut quickly bait with guys who aren’t ready.
Step 6: Carry Yourself with Confidence
It takes a lot to put yourself out there when the vast majority of men are NOT your future husband. This is dating: the men you like most aren’t that into you; the men who are into you aren’t that appealing.
Think about what you have going for you. You’re attractive. You’re articulate. You’re family-oriented. You’re interested in self-help. You’re gonna make a great partner for the right guy. If you’re the CEO, you can’t worry too much about what the interns think. You just create a hospitable working environment for them, compensate them well, and appreciate their hard work. You don’t shut down the company because it’s hard to find good interns.
Step 7: Take Action
By your own accounting, you’ve been on less than one date per month in the past year. That’s fine. If you were coaching with me, you’d have a dating practice: 1/2 hour per day of online dating, using the Love U screening mechanism, and going on one quality pre-screened date each weekend with a guy you’re excited to meet. Do that for six months, you’ll meet 25 guys, and one of them will be your boyfriend. It’s math, not magic.
Those 7 steps are a small snapshot of what’s in Believe in Love and, while I don’t suspect they all apply to you, I hope a few give you hope right now.
I promise you, it won’t always suck. Here’s how I know:
Look back at yourself 5 years ago. Then look back 5 years before that.
What did you know about life when you were 16?
How much have you grown? How much smarter are you? How much more worldly? How much wiser? How much more resilient?
Now think about what you’ll be like 10 years from now, at age 36.
That’s how I know your future is brighter than you can see right now.
This Week's Love U Story
As I said above, this engagement just came in over the weekend!
Thanks for all of the support, Evan. Feels good to hit this point with a great guy. This is us on the roof of the home he bought in Italy.
Cheers,
Joy
Joy is a Love U group expert who offers her wisdom in our private Facebook group. Now I have to see if I can attend her wedding with my wife in England in January.
13,000 women have enrolled in Love U to gain confidence, understand dating, set healthy boundaries, and attract high-quality, commitment-oriented men.
You can be next.
