How to Learn to Trust Again
With real-life examples of what works!
Janice’s husband of 26 years cheated on her and left her for a younger woman.
This devastating breach of trust ended a marriage that Janice acknowledges should have ended long before. Even though she’s happier now that she’s not stuck in a suffocating relationship, Janice has been scarred by her experience.
Questions abound: How long was he lying to me? Was our entire relationship a lie? Was he in love with her? Was it partially my fault? Did I miss the signs? Could I have done anything differently? Will I ever trust again? Will I ever love again? How can I make sure this never happens again?
As her coach, it’s my job to answer all of Janice’s questions with sensitivity. Six months after hiring me, Janice is in a promising new relationship for the first time since her divorce.
His name is Tom. Like Janice, he’s in his mid-60s. Like Janice, he’s fit and into personal growth. Like Janice, he was burned by a bad marriage but aspires to having a healthy one.
Four weeks into their relationship, Tom had already made clear that he wanted to be exclusive to Janice. He was even there for her when she got notification of a health scare.
In her words: “This morning when I woke up, I texted him at 7:00. He didn’t respond right away because he was in the shower. When he did respond, he apologized for the delay and immediately called to see if I was okay. I told him I could really use some support--thinking through options for my care. He was over within an hour. Said he would listen without giving advice unless I specifically asked for it. He is wonderful.
Asking for help was a very vulnerable thing for me. I didn’t even ask my husband all those years because of early experiences with him around it. I understand now that he didn’t have the capacity.
All of this is to say how much I appreciate you and your work. Without it I wouldn’t be where I am and for sure would have written off this great guy. So yes I did the work...your work.
Forever grateful,
Janice
Beautiful. Another Love U Love Story, right? Not quite.
Two weeks later, Janice heard from a friend that Tom’s profile was still live on Match - even though he said he had taken it down. Janice left him a voice mail immediately, shocked because he never gave her any reason to question him. Here is his follow up text:
“Closing the loop. All notifications turned off and profile hidden, I am sorry that you have been given reason to question or doubt me. In my mind, I believe we are in an exclusive (monogamous) girlfriend and boyfriend relationship with the intent to build a long term relationship. I feel strongly that our ability to communicate is one of the things that has made this even possible. I don’t know the future but I do know that I am ready, willing and able to give this everything I’ve got to see where we can take this experiment together! Hope that helps.”
This exchange triggered Janice. She concluded her new boyfriend is dishonest, her trust has been broken, and she can’t continue. Before acting, she wanted to run it by me first.
I cited a few core Love U ideas:
Look at his pattern of behavior. Tom wanted to be Janice’s boyfriend well before she was ready to commit to him. He has already stepped up to act like her boyfriend after her scary diagnosis. He immediately took down his profile and spent close to two hours explaining himself after this misunderstanding. Logically, it doesn’t make much sense for a guy to do all this…while actively pursuing other women.
Remember: It’s full trust or no trust. This is not to say that every man is trustworthy - only that if you’re dating a man you don’t trust, you should get rid of him. “So”, I asked Janice, “based on your interactions thus far, do you trust him or not?” Turns out, Janice trusts him, despite the fact that his profile was still active. And yet she was this close to breaking up with him out of fear.
I then shared a story about myself (as I am wont to do).
See, although I met my wife at a party in Beverly Hills 20 years ago, we were both on Match at the time. After 4 weeks of dating, I pulled my profile down and started referring to her as my girlfriend. By our second month together, I’d already met her family, helped her move, and was planning a vacation to Greece and Turkey.
And yet I remember distinctly in Month 3 of our relationship, wandering around her one-bedroom apartment, looking at everything on the walls and countertops as she finished up her shower. There were tons of artifacts from her international travels… and a wide-open laptop with an inbox showing dozens of emails from Match.
Wait, what? This was my GIRLFRIEND. The one I was taking to Europe. My profile was down. I only assumed her profile was down. What could this possibly mean?
Given that my girlfriend was a high-integrity, high-EQ person, the most logical explanation was this: she just forgot to hide her Match profile. As a result, Match would send her an email with a bunch of hot guys every day that she would summarily ignore.
Since my wife now has over 50,000 unopened emails in her inbox, maybe her profile is STILL up. I have no idea. All I know is that - because I trusted her - my mind didn’t immediately leap to the worst case scenario, but rather, the best case scenario.
This is what experts mean about “assuming positive intent.” When you’re with a good person, you should assume the most charitable interpretation of events until proven otherwise. This method has served me incredibly well throughout my life.
I predict it will serve Janice well in her relationship with Tom.
Love,
Evan