Isn't It Time Someone Took Care Of You?
It's tiring doing everything, isn't it?
Stacey is in her early 60’s. She’s many things: a lawyer, a mother, an intellect, an ex-wife. But Stacey’s single best quality is that she is a GOOD person. Not just a good person; a really good person. Stacey always does the right thing: bring the gift to the housewarming, volunteer for the homeless, go out of her way for friends in need, and take responsibility for her own mistakes.
The world needs more Staceys.
Not only that but Stacey is tough and highly competent. She’s succeeded in a man’s world. She gets shit done. Which is why she was an incredible wife and mom for thirty years before her husband left her.
As a self-aware woman to takes responsibility for her circumstances, she initially beat herself up about it: Why me? What did I do wrong? How come I couldn’t see this coming? But there’s a simpler truth. It’s not that Stacey did anything wrong, nor did she have a “bad” marriage.
It’s that she never fully recognized that she was giving a lot more to her relationship than she was receiving.
That is the norm for so many women who marry men with money who fail to give in ANY other way. Women who have never had a man cook a meal. Women who’ve never had a man listen to her and validate her feelings. Women who’ve never had a man plan a vacation. Women who’ve never had a man tell her she’s beautiful or smart or funny.
Stacey is now a Love U client and she’s made amazing strides in learning to listen to her feelings, set boundaries, and raise her standards for men.
Recently, she was seeing a man who checked all the boxes:
Engaging conversationalist who makes her feel comfortable? Check.
Makes a consistent effort? Check!
Is excited about her? Check!
Talks about his feelings? Check!
Hints at a possible future? Check!
These are things that a lot of smart, rich, busy guys DON’T do and they’re a good sign of a man who is serious about a relationship.
But just because a guy is nice and serious about a relationship doesn’t mean you should be with him. So what was Stacey’s hesitation about this man?
He cannot and will not take the lead.
Maybe he’s insecure about making decisions. Maybe his ex-wife was controlling and did a number on him. Maybe he just doesn’t care what he does as long as he does it with Stacey. Doesn’t matter. All that matters is that Stacey finds this guy EXHAUSTING.
His go-to line - and you’ve seen this before - is: “What do you want to do?'“
It’s a real conundrum. On one hand, there’s the arrogant guy who DOES NOT CARE how you feel. He’ll make plans that please him and ask you to come along. He’ll book a steakhouse if you’re a vegetarian. He’ll book an Ozzy Osbourne concert if you’re a Swiftie. He’ll spend 1000 hrs training for a triathlon and ask you to watch him run for a minute and cheer him at the end.
On the other hand, a guy who has no confidence in his ability to choose is no better than a child. Most women - especially at a certain age - are tired of having to be the mother, the father, the breadwinner, the disciplinarian, the organizer, and the decider. That’s why it feels so good when a man can lead.
So, despite this man’s great qualities - intelligent, sincere, relationship-oriented, genuinely interesting, and interested - Stacey began to like him less. He’s getting in his own way and he just can’t help it.
Stacey asked me what she could do to try and change the outcome because she does like him as a person and wants to give him a chance to step up.
Here’s what I told her to do when he texts: “what do you want to do?”
Plan A: Text him, “I would LOVE it if you came up with a plan for us this weekend. It feels so good to know that I can let go and trust you to make great decisions for us. Surprise me. Whatever you choose will be great!”
This is a way of increasing his confidence and nudging him into taking on a more masculine/leadership role. Now, he can’t rely on you to tell him what to do. He has to figure it out himself. Which is why, when Stacey texted the above, he quickly texted back: “My heart is palpitating.”
I’m all for men being in touch with their feelings but getting sweaty about doing a little research to find something cool in New York City feels a bit immature. It’s like being nervous about ordering from DoorDash or hailing a taxi. At a certain point, you have to be able to raise your hand.
I don’t doubt that Plan A will work the first time but it’s probably not sustainable. Some guys don’t want to lead or make decisions; they just want to spend time with you and follow what you do.
That’s when you have to go to Plan B.
Plan B: The Come to Jesus Meeting - Stacey has to explicitly tell her nice guy what he needs to do to win her over, coming from a place of kindness. Subtext: “You’re blowing it but I WANT you to succeed.” She needs to explain that she made all the plans for her whole family for 30 years and, at this point, she wants a guy who can ease the burden. She needs to tell him he’s an amazing guy with great potential, but being nice and interesting isn’t enough. She needs a man who makes her life EASIER.
Once again, he’ll try his best and probably fall short. All you can do is tell a man how to please you and see if he can get the job done.
But, from listening to my middle-aged clients over the years, one thing’s for sure: women are DONE with doing ALL the emotional labor. ‘
They need a man who is willing to take care of them. And if they can’t find him, they’d rather be alone than take on another dependent.
What I Got Wrong
On Do You Compromise Too Much? Or Not Enough? reader and Love U member Michelle has strong thoughts about making certain compromises in her relationship, which JUST happens to tie into the above article:
Omg. I find this post kind of depressing. I am always the one with the higher sex drive. I am like you, up early, walking the dog, hitting the gym, trying to kill time until my partner (when I have one) wakes up and is ready to do something. I was kind of looking forward to finally finding a relationship this time where the man has a higher sex drive than I do, where the man wants to do even more than I do. Seriously, I enjoy that. My last boyfriend used to help me with my nutrition goals, only after I asked him to, of course, and I loved it!! I would reach for the chips and he would grab the bag, hand me a few, then put the rest away and not let me get them. I loved that!! Maybe I am a bit masochistic, but I like to be challenged by my man, driven a little bit out of my comfort zone (towards achieving more, not towards sitting on the couch watching movies more). I loved it when my husband (at the time) introduced me to backpacking. It was scary, challenging, and fun. I hated it at first but then I fell in love with it and even more with him and it changed my life.
I dream of finding a man who is “more” than I am. Not to the extreme, like I do not want a narcissist or someone who Is unfaithful or a workaholic but just a little bit more than I am, so I can be challenged. Surely someone like that must exist? I get bored and resentful when I always have to be the one initiating things. And I also don’t like the feeling that my partner thinks the way I am is a pain in the butt. I have tried the thing where I go do all the stuff by myself because my partner is more of an introvert. I had a boyfriend like that. I was not happy. My way of thinking is why do I even have a partner then, if they are not with me? I don’t want someone waiting for me at home. I want them out with me. And as far as sex goes, that doesn’t even translate. If I love to play tennis often, but my man only plays occasionally, it is perfectly acceptable for me to join a tennis club and find other tennis partners. Not so with sex. What then? There will always be this tension between us. I am tired of dimming myself and my sex drive down. And tbh, I don’t think I’ve ever in my life come across a man who wanted sex “too much.” I am confused when I hear women describe men like that. When I come across a man with a high sex drive, I think I hit the jackpot, and I am in heaven. Then I worry if he’ll stay that way, because inevitably it ebbs and flows just like anything else.
You said the flip side is my partner will think I’m a pain, but that is not a good feeling either. Why can’t I find someone who appreciates and enjoys me for the way that I am? And the lower activity / introverted types can have each other? Most of the time, I think I’d really love to have a partner, but if I have to be tied to someone who I constantly feel like I have to coax to do anything, or when I find something I am really excited for us to do then I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to present it to them in a way that they would find palatable, or negotiate some compromise just so I can get them to do it with me, then I would rather just stay single and free (and active!), I guess. Life is too short to be tied to someone who to me is a buzz kill and who thinks I’m a hyper pain in the a$$.
I’m not going to write a long defense of my original post, but I will say that most Type A women want a man who is “more than them” - taller, smarter, richer, funnier, etc. I get why it’s attractive. The issue is that if there were a ton of those guys and those pairings were working, I wouldn’t have a job. My belief is that if you compromise - like I did, like all of my married clients did - you can be happier than you know. You just have to compromise on the RIGHT things.
Link That Made Me Think
The Happiness Trinity by Derek Thompson
The whole thing is worth a read. It explores the question of what matters most: marriage, social well-being, or income? How about all three?
Marriage definitely, definitely matters, a lot. It improves well-being in every dimension, for every level of income. Overall, the average marriage-happiness premium was about 18 percent. That is, among all adults aged 30 to 50, about 41 percent of unmarried adults said they were thriving versus nearly 60 percent of married adults.
But when he compared happiness across income levels, another story emerged. Income, he said, plays an enormous role in predicting happiness as well. Low-income adults in Gallup’s survey were mostly unhappy, whether or not they were married. The highest-income adults were mostly quite happy, whether or not they are married. For example, married couples who earn less than $48,000 as a household are as likely to say they’re happy as single adults who earn $48,000 to $60,000, and a married couple who make $90,000 to $180,000 as a household is almost exactly as likely to say they’re happy as a single person making $180,000 to $240,000.
So yes, making money - where you spend 75% of your waking hours - is important. But having romantic love compensates for having less money. Thompson concludes with a broader theory of happiness:
The subtler truth seems to be that finances, family, and social fitness are three prongs in a happiness trinity. They rise together and fall together. Low-income Americans have seen the largest declines in marriage and experience the most loneliness. High-income Americans marry more and have not only richer investment accounts but also richer social lives. In this light, the philosophical question of what contributes most to happiness is just the beginning. The deeper question is why the trinity of happiness is so stratified by income—and whether well-being in America is in danger of becoming a luxury good.
On the Love U Podcast
Do You Assume the Worst in Men?
When you've been hurt and disappointed, it's easy to assume that the next guy is going to do the same. The problem is that not all men are bad. And if you're dating a nice, commitment-oriented guy and treat him like a composite of all the jerks you've dated in the past, you're never going to get a nice guy. In this podcast, I tell a powerful story about a client who came from an abusive background and is actively overcoming her trust issues in Love U.
My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week
Believe it or not, this one went viral. 18,000 likes. Click and check it out.
You Can Also See Me On…
“Late Boomers” with Cathy Worthington and Merry Elkins.
These two beautiful baby boomers made me feel so warm and welcome. In this episode, we dive deep into why compatibility trumps common interests, how to deal with the paradox of choice in dating, and why confidence is your secret weapon in the quest for love. Plus, I share my own love story that's as real as it gets. Enjoy.
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - Have It All - Taylor Tomlinson - I mentioned her last week because she may just be the best comedian around. The theme of her show is having it all, and it just goes to show that NOBODY has it all - not even celebrities.
Movies - The-40-Year-Old Virgin - Saw this with my kids the other night, knowing it was inappropriate, but kind of not caring. My feeling is that they’re going to hear this anyway and I’d rather them ask me what all the sex stuff is about than to ask their friends. Regardless, this is a laugh-out-out, peak-Apatow flick that holds up.
Books - Updike by Adam Begley - A biography of one of America’s great novelists. For me, it’s Updike and Roth. Both are gifted at writing unlikable characters that you somehow root for. And, if this biography is any indication, Updike borrowed a lot from his real-life infidelities.
Substack - How to Re-elect Donald Trump - by Andrew Sullivan - I hate to be political but as a moderate liberal, it kills me that this election is up for grabs. The silent majority needs to stop kowtowing to the fringes on both sides.
The Honey Shot
When I first met Evan, I was in a 2 year long-term-relationship with a guy… but he was stalling around getting married
I remember discussing these topics with Evan during one focus call and one thing that Evan told struck me profoundly “Nicoletta, pay attention to how bad this man wants to be your husband.”
I was suffering deeply and asking myself the same question that haunts all the women who choose to work with Evan “why does an attractive, sophisticated, loving and successful woman who has much to offer have so much trouble finding a man willing to make a life-long commitment?!” while observing friends getting engaged, married, then having babies at the speed of light…
But I did not want to quit, nor was I content something which was not aligned with my desires. So, I immersed myself in Evan’s teachings and enrolled in Love U. Step by step I realized that I WAS the real CEO of my love life and that I owed to myself to take my power back.
Long story short, at the 3 + year mark (following Evan’s advice), I broke off with my boyfriend and after a few days of grieving I decided to date immediately and give a chance to some suitors who were potentially good matches.
And then the MAGIC started happening, although it took me some time to realize it!
Turned out my ex-boyfriend called the week after, distraught about the break up. We met for dinner and he deeply apologized to me, admitted he had been stalling because he was so much focused on his career and work relocation, that it took him some time and real introspection to confront and defeat his fears, but realized that at this stage he could not live without me, now he was ready to take real action.
But I wasn’t ready now. I needed space, I needed time.
So, I politely told him that I appreciated his sincerity, but I was in a different emotional place, I was not ready to rekindle our relationship, I needed time and space to heal and focus on myself.
He understood perfectly and accepted my stance, he also told me he could wait for me because he loved me deeply, was ready to do whatever it took not to lose me and waiting for all the perfect circumstances to get married (right job, right town, right house etc.) was nonsense.
It took me several months to realize I was ready to reconsider being back with him.
There he was, open armed, open hearted, compassionate, caring, emotionally grounded… waiting for me as he had promised, longing to propose as he did with a beautiful ring.
October 7th this year has been our first wedding anniversary and I can tell you that now I feel safe, but most of all I feel empowered to have created for myself the life I truly desire.
So, here my big takeaways for all the ladies in Love U:
Men do what they want to do at their own timing;
If your relationship does not unfold the way you want, you talk about it with him (mindreading does not exist in real life!) and if nothing changes your best leverage is to leave, if he follows you have a boyfriend or a husband that has chosen on his own accord to pursue you. I promise, IT WORKS, you just need the courage to take the leap.
Never stop dating, learn to approach it with fun (the biggest part I’ll miss getting married would be the fun of dating new prospects!). It boosts your confidence as Evan teaches; do it with an open mind and realistic expectations (men show their interest with their ACTION or INACTION!).
Never stop working on yourself, on your emotional well-being and on your ability to be the CEO of your own life in every area, you absolutely can;
We see marriage as an arrival point, maybe because it takes so much time and energy, and painful experiences to get there nowadays, but marriage is a starting point as I see it now.
Life and marriage are a continuous process, a period of growth and constant change with occasional bumps in the road, so we have to keep learning and always count on our own strengths.
My final note goes to Evan and to his team who make it possible for women to change their lives for the better.
Evan, your advice is profound, yet delivered in a simple and straightforward way which makes it particularly effective!! Sometimes what you say may seem too direct, but that’s what it takes for wake-up calls and a-ha moments to happen!!
Thanks again and I’ll keep you posted.
With much Love xxx
Nicoletta
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Reading the story of Stacey is very relatable. I talk to my divorced friends and we all felt so burnt out from all the years of raising kids, cooking, cleaning, running the household, the mental and emotional labor, not to mention working full-time.
Maybe her ex-husband having money has something to do about it for her, but I don’t think it makes a difference. Myself and most of my female friends out-earned their husbands, and we lived that same situation.
I could not agree with Michelle Renschler more!! I am so tired of taking care of everyone else and will not do it for another man.