Relationships Are Easy. Dating Is Hard!
If you're like most people, you've got it backwards.
Cindy, a 45-year-old schoolteacher from Brooklyn, enrolled in my Love U coaching course a few years back.
I remember her distinctly because of her warm New York personality which reminded me of home.
Although she and I had a great relationship, Cindy didn’t make much progress under my tutelage. To her credit, she didn’t blame me. She said she learned a lot but it hadn’t translated into tangible results.
When I asked why, she replied, laughing: “Because I didn’t do anything you asked me to do!”
I joke that I’m like a personal trainer for women who want to fall in love. When women enroll in Love U, I lay out a diet and workout that allows them to eat food they like, work different muscles, and see fast progress. Cindy was the woman who showed up once a month at the gym, read on the treadmill for 10 minutes, and then met her friends afterward for beer and wings.
Cindy hoped Love U would magically hand her a husband. It doesn’t, no more than signing up at Equinox magically melts 20 lbs off you. It may be annoying but it’s true: it’s hard to get good at anything if you refuse to practice it.
This brings me to the central thesis of today’s post - one that, in 20 years of coaching, I don’t believe I’ve ever fully articulated before.
“Relationships Shouldn’t Feel Like Work” is a core belief and the topic of my first Substack post. I won’t relitigate the full argument but I feel we’ve normalized unhealthy relationships and told women it’s noble to “work” on staying with a man who may be incapable of making you happy. If your relationship feels like “work,” I believe you can find a relationship that feels easier.
Controversial, I know.
Anyway, easy relationships are the North Star of Love U, and every month, I get another wedding photo from a graduate who validates this claim.
What struck me recently is the strange pervasiveness of the opposite belief that dating should be EASY.
Consider the number of times you’ve thought or heard the following:
"I've stopped actively seeking love. It's better when it happens naturally."
"Why stress about finding someone? The right person will come along."
"I believe in letting things happen organically; love shouldn't be forced."
"I've learned that trying too hard to find love just doesn't work for me."
"I'm focusing on myself right now. Love will come when the time is right."
"I've had the best connections when I least expected them."
"I believe in the universe bringing the right person at the right time."
"Love happens when people aren't actively looking for it."
This is an idea that runs deep - even for women who understand they need to make SOME effort. Here’s a common sentiment I hear among clients.
“I’m going to go on the apps for a few months, meet a bunch of guys, find one that I like, and finally be done with dating.”
A few months?
You’ve gone your whole life without a man who loves you unconditionally, and you’re going to give the most important search of your life a few months?!
It’s a strange cognitive dissonance - like someone who moves to Hollywood to become the next Julia Roberts but returns to Kansas after a dozen auditions. Or someone who wants to be a partner in a law firm but wants to skip those pesky LSATs, clerk jobs, and associate years.
So let’s state this loud and clear, for the cheap seats in the back:
DATING IS HARD!
One of your biggest issues is expecting it to be otherwise. Think about how many times you’ve gone through this process:
There’s a cute guy on this site! He’s so perfect for me!
He contacted me! We’re texting!
We had an amazing first date! The chemistry is insane!
He’s really into me! I hear from him every day!
The sex was awesome! I think I’m falling in love with him!
Cut to four months later when he has revealed he is a loser, liar, player, momma’s boy, cheap bastard, narcissist, slacker, mansplainer, gaslighter, conspiracy bro, or a low-character asshole who wasn’t as kind or emotionally available as you wanted him to be.
Cut to four months later when he has revealed he is a loser, liar, player, momma’s boy, cheap bastard, narcissist, slacker, mansplainer, gaslighter, conspiracy bro, or a low-character asshole who wasn’t as kind or emotionally unavailable as you wanted him to be.
It’s not just you. It’s not just women. I was shocked that I had to go out with 300 women before my wife. Was it all their fault? Of course not!
In my 20’s, I was a wreck with no money and tons of anxiety.
In my early 30’s, I was a player who enjoyed the options of online dating.
By 34, I was ready to settle down but still didn’t know what kind of partner was right for me.
I was changing, my career was changing, my confidence was changing, my dating skills were changing, and my taste in women was changing. It shouldn’t be surprising, then, that it took me nearly 10 years to dial it in.
This brings me to this powerful new book: Master of Change by Brad Stulberg.
(I’m not kidding about this book - I took 20 pages of notes, did a free webinar for my clients, and gave away 25 copies because I liked it so much!)
Anyway, in the book, Stulberg points out something easy to forget about doing hard things - in this case, managing pain:
The Mayo Clinic shifts pain from something to be avoided and cured to something to manage. It teaches that when you’re open to the flow of life, you accept that the only constant is change and you want to see it clearly for what is it. You expect it to be hard, which, paradoxically, makes everything easier.
There’s a lot of pain associated with having unrealistic expectations of dating, relationships, and men.
The Serenity Prayer states: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
This is particularly salient when it comes to dating - a medium in which 90% of men are, by definition, not right for you, as well as a medium where you control, at best, 50% of what happens. Given the distinct lack of control you have over men, your city, your age, and dating apps, it’s important to focus on what you CAN control. Here’s a partial list, one I’ve shared before:
You can devote a half hour a day to online dating.
You can rewrite your profile.
You can tweak your photos.
You can change your search criteria.
You can alter the tone of your initial texts.
You can initiate contact with men you find attractive.
You can learn to flirt with more confidence.
You can screen men better via FaceTime or Zoom.
You can go out with one prescreened guy each week.
You can refuse to sleep with anyone who is not your boyfriend.
You can refuse to see anyone who is recently separated, divorced, long distance, or is unclear if he wants a long-term commitment.
You can pay attention to his consistent efforts and listen to your feelings.
If you do all of these slightly better, you’ll have a better sense of control, a better dating experience, and, most likely, better results.
Yet this is not how most people date.
You go online, ignore 95% of men, and get increasingly frustrated that the Top 5% aren’t as great as they seem on paper.
This is why you try online dating, quit, try again, quit, and burn out.
You’re surprised that most profiles suck.
You’re surprised when guys text without wanting to meet.
You’re surprised that many first dates don’t result in second dates.
You’re surprised when men look for sex before commitment.
You’re surprised that men often don’t know what they want.
You’re surprised men have bad experiences, too, and bring those to dating.
Yet nothing is surprising about this. This is the reality you have to accept, understand, and embrace to be more effective in dating.
Per Stulberg:
The more difficult the change, the more time it takes. Thus, it is vital to remind yourself that even though you feel stuck as if your future is doomed, that rarely, if ever, is the case.
Look back 5 years. Were you in a different place? Probably.
10 years? Same thing.
No matter how you feel, because change is constant, you’re always moving.
Stulberg suggests that you can accept reality, change with the times, and make different choices that lead to different outcomes. That includes dating.
Cindy, the cool schoolteacher from Brooklyn, said something surprising to me the week before she finished Love U:
“Evan, I know I haven’t held up my end of the bargain since I enrolled. I enjoyed our conversations. They shifted my perceptions and made me think. But I know I have to do better. So, for the last week we’re working together, I’m going to do EVERYTHING you asked me to do. Get online for a half-hour per day, give a chance to guys who are above a 6 on the chemistry scale, screen men by email and phone, and only go out with men who earned the right to take me to dinner.”
The next week, she came back and said, “Everything you said worked. There are three great guys interested in me, I have dates with two of them already set up and the other one has to wait because he’s the intern and I’m the CEO!”
If you can embrace the reality that the only way to an easy relationship is the difficult process of dating, you will live happily ever after.
It’s not just a dream.
It’s available to you, as long as you’re willing to work at it.
Your thoughts below are greatly appreciated.
What I Got Wrong
I was reading one of your responses to which you said, men can basically have sex with women without necessarily feeling any form of attraction. In other words, bowling is probably more intimate as men would be more choosy about their bowling partner. If sex is so nonchalant, then why do most couples have sex exclusively once some type of dating commitment is made?
Suddenly, sex becomes this special thing when before it was the same as trying on multiple pairs of new shoes?
To be clear, a requirement for sex on a third date is not “normal.” It’s a patriarchal demand and a form of coercion because if women don’t adhere to men’s timeline regarding sex, they leave. It also shows that a man won’t have any respect for women further down the line because they are putting up an immediate demand without even considering the other person’s boundaries or comfortably.
Ellen
There’s a lot here and I don’t want to hijack this space with a full response but I will say this:
Sex, for many men, is not as bound up in feelings, nor does it have to be “special” after a commitment is made. Men choose monogamy because there are great benefits to having a loving partner outside of regular sex.
I don’t like being forced to defend things I haven’t said. I received a question: Is Sex on the Third Date the New Normal? and pointed out that men do NOT have a right to sex. In fact, in Love U, I tell women not to sleep with any man until he’s your boyfriend! My only point is that you can’t be too surprised that some men try to put sex before commitment - which, interestingly, is the same theme as today’s post.
On the Love U Podcast
Reframing Your Frustrations With Men
It's been said that happiness is the gap between our expectations and reality. In reality, no man is going to do exactly what you want, when you want it.
This doesn't mean that no man can ever love you; only that you need to close the gap between who you want him to be and who he is.
Once you discard the men who are incapable of making you happy, how can you learn to understand and appreciate the good men who are doing their best?
My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week
You HAVE to Check Out…
Movies - The Menu - If you like your comedy dark, this send-up of elite foodie culture will titillate you. Sharp writing, a claustrophobic setting, and an incisive take on the wealth gap and the cost of great art all make this my favorite Ralph Fiennes performance since Schindler’s List.
Books - The Tetherballs of Bougainville by Mark Leyner - Leyner is a master of pop culture and science-related dialogue and this book made me laugh out loud more than anything I’ve ever read. The plot doesn’t matter. Only the words. “Any asshole with a Masters in Social Work can put on a turban and start issuing fatwas about whom you can and whom you can't mail meat to, but it takes real balls to turn a brunette without a cranium into a blond.” If that tickles your fancy, click the link and buy the book.
Substack - Love Continues to Save Me - Andrea Gibson - an immunocompromised Substacker talks about the redemptive power of love as she navigates her cancer and her partner’s COVID. Love is love.
Stop Wasting Time on the Wrong Men and Finally Get the Unconditional Love You Deserve
Megan was 54. She’d been married twice – including the most recent one for 22 years - and had a few short-term relationships after her divorce.
Megan spent DECADES wasting time on the wrong men. After enrolling in Love U, she found the right guy less than a year later.
What did I tell her? What specific tips did I offer? How could I take a jaded woman and help her find a marriage-oriented man who treated her like gold?
There were two main things I taught Megan that turned her love life around.
The ONE way to determine if a man is WRONG for you.
And the ONE way to determine if a man is RIGHT for you.
I’m going to share those two things on Thursday, January 18th at 5pm PT/8pm ET for a free livestream called “How You Can Stop Wasting Time on the Wrong Men and Finally Get the Unconditional Love You Deserve.”
In addition to the two tips that helped Megan find love, you will also learn:
• The only thing you have to alter to find lasting love (and it’s not your looks or your personality!)
• The biggest lie ever perpetrated by parents, couples, counselors, clergy members, and self-help gurus.
• The all-important definition of a good relationship. If you don’t know this, it’s no surprise that good relationships have been hard to come by.
This is a tremendous opportunity to get high-value coaching that gives you a shot of confidence and the keys to a successful relationship – all in an hour.
I’ll see you next Thursday night.
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A screenshot of a guy’s text? A Honey Shot? Email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining. Thanks for being part of my Love Universe!
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This is 100% true. I was terrible at dating because it is so hard. I opted out for 6-12 months at a time, wasting away years because I wasn’t approaching it the right way (short term pessimism, long term optimism.) Once I found the right relationship I quickly realized how easy it is to be with the right person. ❤️