Stop Fixing Men
There’s a lot of debate about nature vs. nurture. Dr. Robert Sapolsky wrote the definitive book on this subject and concluded, quite predictably, that it’s about a 50/50 proposition.
Does it help to read to your kids at night? Sure. But if your kid is born dyslexic, reading may remain a lifetime challenge, no matter how dedicated you are as a parent.
Same with musical talent. There are some 7-year-olds you can see on America’s Got Talent who are bound for Broadway. My kids had more confidence than raw singing ability, which is why their musical theater careers ended in middle school.
Same with athleticism. I spent thousands of hours playing basketball in high school. But as a 5’9” guy who couldn’t dribble or shoot well, I topped out as a backup on the JV team.
There is NOTHING controversial about this. People have limitations. Not everyone is meant to go to the Ivy League, American Idol, or the NBA.
Then why don’t we understand and accept that many people have limitations when it comes to forging healthy long-term relationships?
Why do we keep insisting that men can change, should change, will do the work, heal their trauma, go to couples counseling, and transform into great partners?
That’s like insisting that I just need a few more basketball lessons.
In other words, it’s bullshit and it needs to be called out as bullshit.
Our society spends WAY too much time on “why”.
“Why would he sleep with me and have no interest in committing to me?”
“Why does he cheat on me and gaslight me into acting like he doesn’t?”
“Why does he act like a great guy 50% of the time but a jerk the other 50%?”
My answer: it doesn’t matter. It’s not your problem to solve. Whether it’s nature or nurture, you’re talking about a man who is objectively limited in his capacity to be a good partner.
I don’t care if he’s brilliant. I don’t care if he’s hardworking. I don’t care that he’s a good dad. He’s selfish. He’s emotionally unintelligent. He consistently makes you feel anxious. That’s all I need to know about whether you should stay with him.
Years ago, I had a client who was a therapist for over 30 years. She confessed that she got more out of coaching than a lifetime of therapy - for one reason. Therapists are told they can fix things. I was the first person to tell her that it’s not her job to fix men.
Some people are not academic, some people have no musical talent, some people are poor athletes, and some people are not adept at relationships. Instead of worrying about “why” and trying to coach them up, how about choosing men who know how to partner?
Love,
Evan