The Key Personality Trait That Creates Happy Relationships
It's not intelligence, it's not money, and it's not washboard abs.
Link That Made Me Think
Study of 40,000 People Identifies a Key Personality Trait That Creates a Happy Family
I recently went to Disneyland for my son’s 11th birthday.
My wife has a very specific idea about what a day at Disneyland looks like. It begins at 7:30 a.m. to hit the most popular rides as soon as they open. It ends at 9:30 p.m. with a parade and fireworks. It’s a 14-hour extravaganza.
Her plan was executed to perfection. By lunch, the Katz family had gone on the two Star Wars rides, Big Thunder Mountain, Matterhorn, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Small World. And we were already exhausted.
My daughter asked me if we could leave early. I felt similarly but wanted to give my wife and son the day they wanted. After a few discussions, we arrived at this: we’d go on any ride where there was a short line or we had a FastPass, but we were not going to wait for an hour to go on any ride for a second time.
We hit the Mad Tea Party at 3. We drove cars at Autopia at 4. Finally, my wife agreed that sticking around for 5 hours just to make it to the fireworks didn’t make sense. We left at 5:30, ate dinner at Outback Steakhouse on the ride home, and were back by 8:30.
Why am I telling you this not-so-interesting story of internal family conflict?
Because it’s indicative of how we solve problems. We listened to each other. We compromised. We understood that every second we gave up at Disneyland was a loss for my son and my wife, while every second we stayed felt like a loss for my daughter and me. It wasn’t high-stakes but it was typical of the things that people routinely fight about which erode relationships.
So it should make sense that according to a meta-analysis of nearly 44,000 people, flexibility is the key trait behind the happiest families.
The researchers go on to specify some of the personal skills needed for psychological flexibility. These include being open to and accepting of experiences, whether good or bad, and having a mindful, attentive awareness of the present through daily life.
Other positive skills include experiencing thoughts and feelings without obsessing over them, keeping a broad perspective even in difficult times, staying in touch with deeper values through the fluctuating moods of each day, and being able to continue to take steps towards a goal even amidst difficulties and setbacks.
None of this should come as a surprise. And yet… most people aren’t on Tinder swiping right on men who look “flexible.”
We’re doing what we always do: choosing partners based on chemistry and common interests, and wondering why we’re not happy. There’s an answer to that question: that attractive guy you’re dating is NOT FLEXIBLE!
He doesn’t want to call you every day even though you said it would make you feel more connected.
He doesn’t want to give up watching football on Saturdays to be more present for you.
He doesn’t want to listen to your feelings about your relationship or be open to how he could be a better boyfriend.
I once heard someone say that “men don’t like to be directed or corrected.” It’s kind of true. But there’s a big difference between telling some dude you want him to get a better job (do not do that!) and letting him know you want to feel like a top priority to him. The guy who is inflexible and doesn’t try to please you will NEVER be a good partner, no matter how much you love him.
The guy who is inflexible and doesn’t try to please you will NEVER be a good partner, no matter how much you love him.
So maybe, the next time you’re seeing a man and despite your feelings for him, it feels like a little bit too much work, consider what you read above.
Consider that the right guy makes your life easier, not harder.
Consider that the only way to be happy is to be with a flexible man.
Not because I said so, but because 44,000 people have said so, and because this squares with your life experience of choosing men who would rather get their way than give you what you want.
Your thoughts, as always, are appreciated.
On the Love U Podcast
Do Men Have Feelings, Too?
I know men are supposed to be heartless and soulless.
Sex machines who only text. Losers with no moral compass. Opponents on the battlefield of love.
Surely, some of them are. But more of them, you may be surprised to remember, are actual human beings.
Like you, they're attracted to what they're attracted to. Like you, they've made questionable choices in the past.
Like you, they don't know what combination of chemistry and compatibility makes for a great partner.
Like you, they're muddling through, doing their best, and realizing that something isn't working.
As Mansplainer-in-Chief, I'm not justifying any male misbehavior. I am saying that the more you can emotionally connect with a man on a date, the more likely you'll see a better side of him.
My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week
Letting Go Early vs Holding On Too Long: A Dating Perspective
Ever thought of love and relationships in terms of poker? Well, there’s an intriguing perspective that’s making rounds: “Better to fold 80% of your hands in the first few months than to hold onto a losing hand for five years, don’t you think?” And honestly, it hits home for many of us!
Let's break it down:
Early Evaluation: Just like in poker, the initial phase of dating is about getting to know the cards you're dealt. This means understanding not only your partner but also the dynamics of the relationship. If things don’t align with your core values, aspirations, and boundaries, it might be time to consider if this hand (read: relationship) is worth playing.
Avoiding the Sunk Cost Fallacy: Holding onto a relationship just because you've invested time, emotions, or resources can lead to a prolonged period of unhappiness. Remember, past investments shouldn't dictate your future decisions. It's what lies ahead that matters.
The Beauty of Letting Go: There’s immense strength in acknowledging that something isn't right for you and having the courage to let it go. By folding those hands early, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to find a better match and save both you and your partner potential years of misalignment or discontent.
Learning & Growing: Every hand you fold is a lesson learned. You understand more about yourself, your preferences, and your dealbreakers. These experiences make you wiser for the next game or relationship.
So, next time you're questioning whether to stay or leave, remember this poker analogy. Listen to your intuition, evaluate the relationship objectively, and make choices that prioritize your happiness and well-being.
After all, life's too short to play a losing hand for too long.
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A screenshot of a guy’s text message? A dating profile you want to write to? A Honey Shot? Click here, comment below, or email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
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Loved this article. Now it’s my turn to give Evan advice (as a native Floridian and someone who’s gone to Disney World a lot through childhood and adolescence). You go there early, have lunch, spend part of afternoon there, go back to the hotel and rest up, and then go back to the park for dinner and fireworks:) That’s how we do it in FL.
Then what are other reasons a guy doesn't want to please or be flexible outside of not liking to feel controlled? Bad personality, not much into his woman?