The Power of Unconditional Love
It's an unappreciated blessing that shapes all your future relationships.
Everyone has an origin story. The ones that are mythologized have a certain arc: Poverty. Divorced parents. Addiction. Abuse. Hard work. Failure. A big break. More setbacks. And, finally, victory. It’s the hero’s journey and it’s something rightfully celebrated as a triumph of will over circumstance.
Let’s just say that no one would ever make a movie of my life.
My parents grew up in lower-middle-class Brooklyn. They were married in their early 20’s. Neither went to college. My dad worked in the garment district in NYC and traveled 20 weeks a year as a young father. They had an old-school relationship; he made the money, and she raised the kids.
It was a good, but not great, marriage. My Dad was a workaholic. My Mom was emotional and lacked the communication skills to express her needs effectively. But otherwise, we were like a fun-loving 80’s sitcom family.
We had Chinese food for dinner on Sunday nights. We played board games. We shot hoops in the driveway. We had big pool parties. We took family vacations to the Caribbean. We had inside jokes. So many inside jokes.
Instead of trying to rebel against Mom and Dad, as so many teens do, my sister and I only wanted to make our parents proud.
Things weren’t perfect. When I was 11, my mom considered getting divorced. But they pulled together and had just celebrated their 30th anniversary when my father died suddenly at age 53.
I considered both of my parents my best friends, for different reasons, but the one thing I knew in this world was that I was unconditionally loved.
I was the golden child, the most likely to succeed, the mama’s boy who could do no wrong, and I tried so hard to prove Mom right.
Yes, it’s a Jewish stereotype, but stereotypes exist for a reason.
I was told by my parents that I could do anything - and I believed them.
This dynamic later proved to be challenging because real life doesn’t give a shit about how much your parents love you.
My parents’ love didn’t make it easier when I was unpopular in middle school.
My parents’ love didn’t make it easier when I had panic attacks in college.
My parents’ love didn’t make it easier when I spent my twenties failing to write a screenplay that sold.
The gift my parents had given me - bottomless self-esteem and a deep-seated belief in my ability - was also my biggest flaw. It never occurred to me that I’d fail, so when I did, repeatedly, I was thin-skinned and fragile.
But the flip side is also true - and that’s what this post is about.
My parental-induced self-esteem was the engine that fueled me and allowed me to persevere despite my failures. While others were afraid to put themselves out there or would quit after a setback, I kept aiming high, because I believed I had the right to aim high. My confidence may have been unearned, but it was also a powerful belief system that would inform all my future choices.
It wasn’t until I became a dating coach that I realized how lucky I was.
Some statistics about families in the United States:
40% of marriages end in divorce.
2/3 of marriages are unhappy.
50% of families have a history of alcoholism and 10% are dealing with it now.
1/6 of children are obese.
16% live in poverty.
10% of girls experience sexual abuse.
How many children do you think are affected by this level of dysfunction? More pointedly: how many children do you think are NOT affected?
It’s rare to find happy families where the parents love each other, the kids love the parents, and there are no crises like addiction, abuse, or poverty.
When you come from a background of dysfunction, you will likely carry that dysfunction unwittingly into your adult relationships. We gravitate towards what’s familiar. So if your Mom was a doormat to placate your domineering father, you will be, too. If your parents fought and stayed together for 40 years despite being unhappy, you’ll probably stay too long in a dead-end relationship as well. It takes tremendous effort and good fortune to escape the demons you’ve inherited.
When I do my initial intake session with new Love U clients, I ask about their family dynamic from the ages of 8 to 18. Here’s a random sampling of their observations about their parents.
Never together. Always fighting. Dated since middle school. She married because it was the thing you do. Within a few years, he cheated with his secretary. She stayed for sixteen years. Dad was never around.
Dad divorced very young – in and out of life. Mom divorced a second time at 14. Stepdad worked all the time and was anxious. Mom kept their family together. Both dads were alcoholics. Mom was bossy and in charge.
Father was an alcoholic. Depressed. They divorced when I was 13. He moved out to live with his dog. Mom raised 3 kids on her own. Loved her sons but she said she wished her daughter (me) was never born.
Married 51 years. Dad’s a doormat. Mom’s a narcissist. Miserable marriage. Dad traveled and wasn’t around. She was a stay at home mom who spent all his money and she’d have a list of things for him to do. No hobbies/friends.
Dad was an alcoholic. Mom was a co-dependent ostrich who pretended nothing was wrong. No affection. Dad surprise divorced Mom when she was 34.
Divorced after 30 years. Dad – military, domineering, controlling. Don’t talk. Don’t feel. Mom kept the peace, never fought. He had complete control and she couldn’t leave him until much later.
Both parents were extremely emotionally immature. Fraught with two way emotional abuse. Dad’s an alcoholic. Mom was depressed. Lots of fighting. Financial insecurity. Very chaotic and unpredictable. Couldn’t express feelings. Only means for survival was to remain quiet and under the radar. Everybody would attack each other
They’re still married. Dad’s an alcoholic. Violence was regular. To deflect his anger, and she’d offer up a kid to be beaten. Mom wanted stability for children. So she stayed in the crazy.
Can you imagine what it’s like to grow up like that?
I can’t. But the majority of women who turn to me can. Most of them have had therapy and are aware of how their parents’ relationship impacted them. In their words:
Don’t think I had a good role model. My experience with men hasn’t been amazing. I have enabled bad relationships the way Mom did with Dad.
I tend to become submissive/pleaser to men, despite that’s what my Mom did. Then I get mad and that confuses them. Then the story is that I’ve got anger issues.
I’ve become the doormat, the pleaser, providing services above and beyond. Takes care of every need you have. Subjugate myself. Worked 6-7 days/week for 15 years because work never let me down.
Attracted to large, alpha men who looked like my father
Lots of my exes are like dad. Stoic. I always give them the benefit of the doubt, even though they wouldn’t make an effort. I choose what’s familiar.
Allergic reaction to controlling men. Any needs he has are unacceptable. Comfortable with avoidance. Very independent. Somewhat avoidant of men who ask for too much.
I picked men just like him over and over. Never felt cherished yet continue to try to win over men who make me feel bad.
My job is to be the opposite of these men, to model healthy masculine behavior, and to let my clients know that they deserve to be treated well.
I only come by that behavior because I happened to grow up with it, not because I’ve done something special. I was given the gift of unconditional love from my parents. It has completely shaped my worldview and dictated the man I’ve become. And it’s easy to take for granted, the way one might take food for granted when millions of others are starving.
There is no skill in being born on third base.
There is only gratitude and the desire to pay it forward.
I didn’t become a dating coach because of a childhood fascination with psychology or because I spent decades working out my childhood trauma.
I became a dating coach because:
I was naturally sensitive, intuitive, and communicative.
I was very close with my Mom and sister.
I always wanted to have a family like the one I grew up in - but without the issues that plagued my parents’ marriage.
I had the belief that I was worthy enough to swing for the fences: to cancel my LSATs, to move to Hollywood and become a writer, to write a book about online dating despite having no credentials, and to make up a job called “dating coach” in 2003 before anyone else had thought of it.
This belief - inculcated by my parents - is what carried me through 10 years on Match and JDate. It’s what allowed me to show up on 300 dates, confident that I was a decent guy and women would like me. It’s what allowed me to survive when many of them didn’t. It’s what allowed me to cut bait when my needs weren’t met by girlfriends. It’s why it never occurred to me to quit dating or lower my standards. It’s what animates my coaching to this day.
One can read this piece through a negative lens - privileged white guy humblebrags his way to success! - but I hope that’s not how you received this.
I admit that I did nothing to deserve this good fortune except being born to two parents who loved me and told me that I could do anything.
Since I believed that, I held out for a partner who saw me the way my Mom saw me - as the best version of myself, not the worst version of myself.
If you didn’t have that growing up - if no one ever doted upon you and believed in you deeply - it’s hard to believe anyone ever would.
But I promise you: someone will. You just haven’t chosen that person yet.
When someone believes in you, you’ll believe in yourself, and you’ll refuse to settle on a man who doesn’t make you feel special.
Unconditional love is real. I have it. My wife has it. My clients have it.
I only hope for you to experience it, too.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
Link That Made Me Think
On the Desperation of Female Neediness by Stella Tsankekidou - I just read this today so it’s fresh in my mind. The author parallels the experience of horny men on the perpetual hunt for youth, beauty, and sex with the female experience of just wanting to be loved unconditionally. I have so much to say about this that it may be its own future Friday Lovesplaining post but for now, check it out and let me know what you think.
On the Love U Podcast
How You Can Be Your Most Authentic in Dating
Dating brings up all your insecurities. Am I attractive enough? Young enough? Smart enough? Am I worthy? When those thoughts are running through your head, it's hard to be the best version of you. What IS the best version of you? Well, after listening to Selena Gomez on Smartless talk about her mental health issues that stem from being in the public eye, the only word that came to mind was AUTHENTIC. So today, we're going to talk about why you must stop caring about what men think and start focusing on what YOU think.
You Can Also See Me On…
Jaqueline Trumbull and Kibby McMahon are my kind of women: Duke University clinical psychology Ph.D. trainees who share insights from their training on the relational nature of mental health. They were very generous hosts in allowing me to expound on what it’s like to be a successful woman who struggles to find a quality partner. Take a listen.
You HAVE to Check Out…
Movies - The Silence of the Lambs - We tried The Shining. Scream. Hereditary. Nothing scared my son. So what better than the 1991 Best Picture - a classic that defies genre. Horror? Thriller? Mystery? Well, my wife and I loved it. My son just shrugged and said he wanted more killing. Sigh.
Books - One Last Thing Before I Go by Jonathan Tropper - The author of This is Where I Leave You is a modern master of dysfunctional family fiction. If you like to see a male protagonist bumble his way through laugh-out-loud situations in his attempts to repair his relationship with his daughter, you can’t do much better.
Substack - We Can’t Compete with AI Girlfriends by Freya India - India wonders what happens to real-life relationships when men turn to artificial intelligence for companionship. In my opinion, any guy who chooses a bot for a partner is NOT someone you should worry about losing.
The Honey Shot
Before joining Evan’s Love U program, I had actually already been receiving a lot of his newsletters for a while and putting them into practice the best I could (like actually making time to date people, and putting in the required energy / minimal effort to have results ;). It took me a while, but I had already begun taking his advice seriously about knowing when to walk and when to give men a second chance, to look for things in potential future-boyfriends that would make me feel good and fulfilled in the long-run rather than looking for someone who was just like me, and of course, to keep dating, no matter all those disappointing dates!
However, with Love U, I found that by having Evan answer some of my questions directly about some of the more specific issues that come up when practicing his advice, as well as being supported by other women going through the same thing, was really helpful, especially with regard to dealing with that negative, pessimistic voice in your head, how to deal with “texters” and concerns about pacing. As well, I found “Why He Disappeared” was particularly insightful with very useful, practical strategies to handle uncomfortable moments, learning to pick your battles when there’s conflict, and learning to choose to not act on the fear-based impulse to try to control situations by calling or emailing or making plans first, etc.
I’m happy to say that I’ve recently celebrated my two-year anniversary with my husband (6.5 years together). My family likes him and he likes them… he just seems to fit right in! We have a lovely intellectual and emotional connection that I make a point to openly appreciate as often as I can, which only brings out more of what I love!
So, take all Evan’s advice to heart and resist the urge to become defensive – that is just your scared ego not allowing you the chance to be truly fulfilled in love and you deserve better – the world will also benefit more generally when the better part of yourself really shines!
Naila R.
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? (We need dissents!) Email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
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Unconditional love... that was your promise when we did our initial post it note session! I wrote my own post it note during our first conversation, Evan. I saved it, tucked in the cover of my Love U journal. Thank you for teaching me to hold out for unconditional love. I know it will be there for me. Thank you show much for continuing to guide me away from the ineffective behaviors with men that I
Your best article to date in my opinion. :)