What Should I Do If He's Great But There's No Chemistry?

Before I answer this week’s burning question, I want to remind you that I’m offering a six-month coaching scholarship to get you the love you deserve.

Click here to win a free Love U Masters Coaching Scholarship! 

To win this $24,000 scholarship and start coaching in January, just fill out this short application at length, telling me about yourself, what’s kept you from love, and why you’re ready for love in 2024. 

I’m also going to ask you to make a short video (which will only be seen by me) so I can get a sense of your personality and how we’re going to work together. 

I sincerely hope this allows you to prioritize love, get a ton of personal coaching, and catapult your relationships to new heights. 

And now for this week’s reader question:

Photo by Ludovic Migneault on Unsplash

Dear Evan,

I love your podcast, I'm a Lovesplaining Substack subscriber and feel that you offer some of the best dating advice online so thank you! I just watched your latest video "What Should I Compromise on for Love" and I have a question.

I've recently begun dating a man (we've been on 4 dates) who seems to have all of the "Cs" that you advise people to place importance on (character, kindness, consistency, communication, commitment). Most important of all of these - we have a genuine connection. We have great conversations and we laugh a ton which is something I value. There's a lot of chemistry in that way. It's fun to spend time with him and I feel like I can be my authentic self. I'd prefer him to share more of my interests such as being outdoorsy and active but he's already showing me that he is willing to go hiking and to try more of those activities.

He has some insecurities - he's checked in with me here and there for reassurance - but it's not overboard and we all have insecurities - it's human. Then there are some other superficial things - he's not as tall as I'd like and traveling is not the passion for him that it is for me but I'd be willing to overlook those things.

My main problem is that while his personality and our connection make me attracted to him, the physical attraction is very low - probably a 3 or 4 on a scale of 1-10. This is someone who I probably wouldn't have gone on a second date with but the connection was so strong and I had so much fun that I wanted to give him a chance and see if the physical attraction could grow. I will say that my emotional and mental attraction did grow for him throughout our dates but I've kissed him and I don't think I could go any further than that.

He's not someone I'd want to be naked with and I've made an effort to try and picture what that would be like to see if I could somehow make it work. My question is, what if you have all of the important components but the physical attraction is so low that you don't know if you can be physical with the person? Should I compromise on this? I'm so sad that this might not be able to work because I have such a great connection with this guy.

Dear Chloe,

By the time you read this, you will probably have sorted it all out yourself. But in case you haven’t, I’d like to answer this important question, once and for all.

The reason that people like me (dating coaches, married people, older people) pound the drum for compatibility over chemistry is that it is more common for people to dive into relationships - and stay in bad ones - when there is intense physical chemistry and great sex.

I’ve done it. I suspect you’ve done it. We all know how giddy and irrational we can be when we’re in lust - and how that feeling clouds the rest of your judgment, even when the rest of the relationship is deteriorating.