Taylor Swift announced her engagement and proclaimed that she was the “English teacher” marrying the “gym teacher.” There were a variety of takes on this. “Why does Taylor think she’s so smart?” “Why is she dating a guy who isn’t as intellectually stimulating?” There were even some “Thank god there are men who are not intimidated by smart, successful women” pieces. I’ve been saying that for years!
However, the take that struck me most was written on Substack by a woman who calls herself Kryptogal. She posits something insightful; as attractive as it is to find someone who is just like you but better (smarter, richer, funnier, etc), all relationships need polarity. Two intellectuals, just like two Type A people, or two artists, are not a healthy long-term pairing.
But when you're the type of person who’s more entertained by what's in your own head than you are by the real world around you, you can create a real little built-just-for-two bubble world of your own making, in your heads. Which is amazing for a while. But…one day one or both of you will become bored after you've heard everything the other has to say and have thoroughly plumbed the depths of their mind. When you become bored you will either retreat back into your own mind again, or become fascinated with someone else’s and start resenting the one you're with. And then it falls apart, because your fellow intellectual is not going to fight to save the relationship the way a less obsessed with their own mind person would. They’ll be too busy being fascinated by their own experience and narrative of the whole tragedy.
Because someone has to be the reliable, dependable, made of earth and fire and not air and water one. The one who pays attention to the day to day and isn't always caught up in the ideas in their head. The one with their feet on the ground while they hold on to your ankles as you start flying off into the atmosphere, because your head is full of weightless gases. The one who stays focused on the more animal and physical while you're off in the metaphysical. You get my drift.
Anyway, just because someone isn't as intellectual doesn't mean they're dumb. It doesn't mean they don't read. It doesn't mean they can't discuss interesting things. It’s more like a personality trait, a temperament. The real NT types are prone to just…literally disappearing from the room (mentally if not physically) and being gone in their own mind for weeks or years on end, if someone doesn't forcibly stop them. A fellow intellect doesn't have that level of fight. They'll float off too.
And complementary temperaments are a good thing. Besides, you don't need to have all those conversations with your spouse, it's literally the most easily outsourced part of your relationship! I mean come on, isn't that what Substack is for?? 😉
Not so easy to outsource sexual chemistry or domestic or financial or caretaking matters.
I shared this in my Love U Facebook group and got pushback from the intellectuals who took this personally. But I didn’t because it rang true for me. I’m the guy who writes books, has deep conversations for a living, and reads the New York Times and Atlantic for two hours each day. My wife is the grounded one. Less in her head. Less anxious. Less concerned with big ideas and big achievements. This is a compliment, not an insult.
Here’s our relationship dynamic in one short story:
When we were first dating, my wife was complaining about her boss, as one does after 13 years at one company. In my well-intentioned but mansplaining way, I encouraged her to quit her job and take a Landmark Education seminar to shift her belief so that she could run her own company. You know what she told me?
“Evan, I love you and I know you’re trying to help. But you do all this personal growth and therapy and journaling and, you know what? I’m happier than you. So shut the fuck up.”
I don’t know if she said the last part. But that’s the way I remember it. It was a drop-the-mic, knockout line that I never forgot. She was right. My wife’s a happier person than I am and while she may not be as into Oscar dramas and self-help books, I can assure you, that’s not what makes for a happy marriage.
I get why - as a smart, successful woman - you may find it challenging to let go of the man in the 99th percentile of intelligence. But those brilliant guys have their own set of problems - as you know from dating them a few times before. Ultimately, balance makes relationships work. Perhaps that’s something worth considering when you meet someone warm, funny, kind, and attractive, who may not have a fancy degree or big bookshelf.
Love,
Evan
Wow, Evan, this post may be the one of yours that sticks with me the longest and finally gets through to me. So much of this resonates. And yet I still find myself pining for the 'soul mate,' the one who shared an intellectual, philosophical, and conversational (and physical) chemistry but was anything but grounded, either in his own daily life or in relationships. Thanks for sharing exerpts from Kryptogal too-- the image of a lover holding down their partner's feet to keep them from drifting up into the ether is now seared into my brain. People love to say 'opposites attract,' but I always felt that was trite. It's about balance. As a Libra, I should get that! And clearly, it's not always natural attraction that brings this balance and attraction of opposites, but maybe a hefty dose of this kind of logical advice to counter the intellectual thirst for a like-minded companion. Thanks for this.