When You Just Can’t Take It Anymore

Please, don’t quit!

Veronica is, objectively, a great catch.

46, an entrepreneur, a coach, a fascinating free spirit, Veronica’s Hinge profile is smart and sexy and gets thousands of matches each year. There’s only one problem:

She doesn’t like ANY of them.

I’m not blaming her for this. If anything, I’m painfully observing this with her since her story isn’t entirely uncommon.

Veronica has been dating online for 13 years and because she feels she’s in the 99th percentile of most desirable women, she wants to date a man who is also in the 99th percentile of most desirable men.

Six feet tall, broad shoulders, big hands, younger - a man who is just as sexy as she is.

Willing to go to Burning Man each year or move to another city as a digital nomad - a man who is just as adventurous as she is.

Has gone to therapy, done the work, willing to consistently go deep - a man who is just as intense as she is.

We can go on, but you get the picture. Veronica wants to date the male version of herself, realizes there are almost no male versions of herself, and gets despondent.

I was optimistic that I’d be able to help her when she hired me in February.

My feeling has always been that if you’re only open to 1% of the population - and that’s BEFORE we talk about selflessness, character, communication skills, and emotional availability - it’s hard to find your person. But if you’re open to 10% of men based on looks, intelligence, and basic demographics, you will find him sooner, rather than later.

Veronica and I went back and forth about this for the past 4 months. We debated the difference between settling and compromising. We talked about my other successful clients who found partners that were different than they imagined. We discussed how chemistry is important but often masks bad qualities, and how I don’t know any relationships that have both “10” chemistry AND “10” compatibility.

Our conversations were always spirited and always in good faith, and I felt that we’d developed a close, transparent relationship. That’s why I was devastated when she told me the other day that she was giving up on love…for the rest of her life.

I couldn’t even fathom this.

Veronica has everything going for her. She has, presumably, another 46 years left on Earth. Even if she is feeling down (which is fair) or burned out (which is fair) or pessimistic (which is fair) there’s no reason to make a permanent decision based on her feelings today.

She replied, “The reason I’m making this decision is that it’s TOO PAINFUL to continue to hold out hope. I just want to live the rest of my life on my terms, without dating, without compromising, without feeling bad about myself that I don’t find any man up to my standards. To persevere only makes me feel more depressed, so I’m just not going to.”

I completely understood what she was saying because it was exactly what I told myself when I gave up screenwriting after 10 years in Hollywood. If my dream was making me miserable because I couldn’t achieve it, why would I keep pursuing it?

There’s a logic to that and, while I was on with Veronica, I honored her feelings.

I told her that she should take a break - from me, from men, from coaching - because to date from such a place of negativity will not manifest her ideal relationship.

All I urged her to do was remember these two things:

1. There’s a reason people come back to love. There’s no force in the world that is more universal or transcendent than having a partner who loves you unconditionally. Yes, you can live without it; you can find meaning in your work, pets, friends and travel. But romantic love is bigger than all of that - and it’s worth it to keep hope alive.

2. Life is a really long time. I just came back from an event with Modern Elder Academy in which someone pointed out that if the first 18 years of your life comprise your childhood, you can divide your adulthood into two equal phases: 18-54 and 54-90.

The point of the story isn’t diminished by the fact that not everyone lives to 90. The point of the story is that if you look back 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years, you have wildly different life circumstances. Well, the same goes with looking FORWARD 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years.

Veronica may find herself in a different phase of life when she’s in her 50s and a whole generation of divorced men with grown kids are suddenly interested in building a third act with her. Why declare at age 46 that she’s closed for business FOREVER?

You may identify with Veronica and silently cheer on her decision because it’s a decision you want to make yourself. If that’s the case, I respect you and your choice.

But if you’re feeling a little sad, a little lonely, and a lot frustrated with dating, maybe all you need is someone to hold your hand and light your way.

I currently have 15 clients who are dating with joy, confidence, and optimism - and meeting great guys every week.

At any moment, you can choose between giving up and taking action, a glass-half-full or a glass-half-empty, abundant love or safe solitude.

Click here to tell me which path you want to take.

Love,

Evan

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