I was wondering if you had any advice on which Hinge prompts you'd recommend using or women that you coach have the most success with. For example, some of them (ex. 2 Truths and a Lie) seem less effective or interesting when it's a complete stranger vs. someone you already know and some of the prompts seem very superficial.
Thanks,
Dana
Lovesplaining is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Dear Dana,
I have answered 1,000 questions on my blog. The reason I chose your question - apart from the fact that you’re a paid subscriber and only paid subscribers get their questions answered - is this:
I didn’t know the answer!
Is it a bad look for me to admit as an “expert” that I don’t know something? Perhaps. But what kind of expert would I be if I didn’t have the humility to say that, as a man who has been married for 15 years, I have never had the occasion to use dating apps, and thus, have no first-hand experience with the best prompts for a Hinge profile?
So I did what anyone else would do in this situation: I Googled the answer.
What I discovered may surprise you.
For those not in the know, Hinge is one of the biggest dating apps, and, from my research on the subject, one of the better ones as well.
Its tagline is “The Dating App That’s Meant to Be Deleted,” thereby implying that it’s for relationships, not just hookups.
While I’m not a fan of dating apps (too much emphasis on photos, too little profile information), Hinge tries - in a very OKCupid way - to give people clever opportunities to start a conversation. That’s why there’s a list of over 100 prompts, in which you can write two sentences to show your personality.
But here’s the thing: most people (men and women) do NOT know how to write a profile with personality. This says nothing about their intelligence - or even their actual personalities. This is the limitation of dating apps to convey information - coupled with the fact that most people don’t spend an inordinate amount of time trying to crack the dating profile code.
My first business wase-Cyrano.com, an online dating profile writing service.
My first program was called Finding the One Online - a comprehensive 7-hour audio with a 200-page transcript and 35-page workbook, walking you through everything you need to do to attract high-quality men online.
Now that I’ve established my credentials as a dating profile dork, allow me to share a few things that you will generally not hear anywhere else.
Your profile should not use any adjectives, lists, or cliches (and sparing in the use of hobbies and interests.)
Why? Because that’s what everyone else does. If everyone else is doing it, you can’t distinguish yourself in a very crowded marketplace.
This begs the question: if you’re NOT using lists of adjectives (nice, smart, kind, funny, honest, successful, ambitious, family oriented) and you’re NOT using lists of hobbies (hiking, biking, movies, music, travel), and you’re NOT using cliches (comfortable going out or staying in, comfortable in a black dress or a T-shirt and jeans, looking for a guy to make me laugh) and you don’t think that compatibility is measured in hobbies (We both like skiing? We must be a match!) what does that even LEAVE?
Great question. I’ll answer that in a second.
Your profile should illustrate your core traits, and demonstrate what a partner gets out of dating you.
If you’re smart, don’t tell him you read the Economist and had a 3.84 in psychology. Tell him you’d figure out how to take a five-star vacation to Florence and Venice using only points and get us upgraded to business class.
If you’re fun, don’t tell him you’re up for anything and are willing to go on all sorts of adventures. Tell him that you'd throw a Super Bowl party for his friends and make a special 7-bean chili for the event.
If you’re caring, don’t tell him that you’re a loving person who rescues dogs and is close with her sister, tell him that you’d put a tiny post-it note in his luggage to pump him up before a big business trip and will love him no matter whether or not he gets the promotion.
Making the profile about the READER instead of YOURSELF is Marketing 101 -yet virtually nobody writes profiles this way.
It’s all about being funny - and most people aren’t funny.
That’s the data-driven answer, directly from Hinge’s mouth. But does that REALLY help you, though? I doubt it.
That list only shares which prompts have elicited the most responses; it doesn’t tell you specifically HOW to respond.
The unfortunate answer is that it doesn’t matter which prompt you use if you’re not saying anything funny, interesting, or memorable.
It doesn’t matter which prompt you use if you’re not saying anything funny, interesting, or memorable.
Let’s take an example from the top of the list: “The way to win me over is…”
Here’s one possible answer:
The way to win me over is: to make plans for the first date at an interesting restaurant, be a great conversationalist, and treat me with respect.
Here’s another hypothetical answer:
The way to win me over is: to be a perfect gentleman that I’m proud to introduce to my friends and family.
These are not “bad” answers. They are not insincere. They are not misspelled. They are not unreasonable. You know what they’re also not? Entertaining.
Here’s a different kind of answer to the same question:
The way to win me over is: to woo my father with a dowry of yams and goats that demonstrate your worthiness as an elder tribesman.
Think about how happy I can make you!
Now that may not be your sense of humor…but it is mine. In fact, once upon a time, I wrote an email to a woman based on a “prompt” in her JDate profile which jokingly suggested that she had a dowry of goats.
Subject: Low on goats, high on yams
In the Trobriand Islands, anyway, yams are a very popular dowry staple. That's about all I got out of cultural anthropology from my freshman year of college, but I think it was worth my parents' $20,000.
In any case, you're interesting. Very interesting. And, at risk of being cheesy (I risk this a lot), there's something behind your eyes. It could be an optic nerve or a sinus, but I'm thinking that it's some sort of intelligence or mischief or both.
If I'm wrong, well, no yams for you.
Evan
I know I’m going far afield to jam in another self-referential joke but the larger point is this: the best dating prompt is the one that allows you to write something funny to spur conversation.
Your initial concern that 2 Truths and a Lie seems superficial is, therefore, the OPPOSITE of my beliefs about ideal dating app conversation.
You’re not on Hinge to figure out if he’s your soulmate from his profile.
You’re on Hinge to flirt, to banter, to play, to tease, to laugh, to make a connection that leads to a FaceTime call, which may lead to a date. That’s all.
Choose the prompts that allow you to write something funny and appealing to men. Because if you’re having fun and he’s having fun, maybe you’ve stumbled upon the idea that online dating can actually be…fun?
P.S. Who responds to such a weird opening line? This amazing woman - who later became my girlfriend and is still my friend 20 years later.
Hope you are really well! I miss our weekly chats. I never thought I’d be one of those people, but I am writing to let you know of a happy update in my relationship status.
Jim and I met online (Match) in December. The process of getting to know him was informed in large part by your excellent training and I knew to keep my eye on the ball of character, kindness, consistency, communication, and commitment. He possesses all of this, we are attracted to each other, and we have fun too. He asked me to be his girlfriend after two months of dating. He talks about the future, marriage, and is introducing me to his mom this weekend. He tells and shows me how much he appreciates me, values me, and how easy it is to love me. I am really lucky! And I learned how to get out of my own way.
We’ll see what the future ultimately holds. But for now, it feels so good to be with a man who is good to me and good for me. Even though I suffered a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation in my past, he is nothing like those people. It really is possible to change and choose better partners, and I’m now proof of that.
Please feel free to share this. I want to offer hope and possibility to others. Just keep up the daily work, stick to the Love U training, and good things will happen, and this from someone who feared it would not be true for me.
Thank you, Evan, for all you do for others. You helped to change my life for the better.
XO
Jocelyn
13,000 women have gone to Love U to gain confidence, understand dating, set healthy boundaries, and attract high-quality, commitment-oriented men.
Whether you’re still mourning the relationship with the last guy (Why He Disappeared), pessimistic about dating (Believe in Love), or actively pursuing love (Finding the One Online), I have a special opportunity for you.
Are you the woman who has everything except your man?
Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach who has specialized in helping smart, strong, successful women since 2003. He has written four books and has been featured in hundreds of media outlets, including Today, the New York Times, and CNN. Since 2015, Evan’s blog has had 35 million readers, his Love U podcast has 2.5 million downloads and 13,000 women from 40 countries have graduated from Love U, his six-month video course that helps women understand men and find love. Evan lives in Los Angeles with his incredibly cool, incredibly patient wife and their two surprisingly funny children.. www.evanmarckatz.com/apply
Are you the woman who has everything except your man?
Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach who has specialized in helping smart, strong, successful women since 2003. He has written four books and has been featured in hundreds of media outlets, including Today, the New York Times, and CNN. Since 2015, Evan’s blog has had 35 million readers, his Love U podcast has 2.5 million downloads and 13,000 women from 40 countries have graduated from Love U, his six-month video course that helps women understand men and find love. Evan lives in Los Angeles with his incredibly cool, incredibly patient wife and their two surprisingly funny children.. www.evanmarckatz.com/apply
