Why “Are We Dating the Same Guy” Groups Are a Horrible Idea
Different people can have different experiences with the same person.
I learned about “Are We Dating the Same Guy” Facebook groups, somewhat predictably, from my own private Love U Facebook group.
If you’re not in the know - and, to some degree, I hope you’re not - “Are We Dating the Same Guy” is a phenomenon - big enough to be written about in the New York Times - in which “members in those groups will share an image and brief details about a guy they are seeing along with one single inquiry: Is he taken? Others will post photos of their bad exes to warn other women.
These forums originated with the intention of helping women look out for other women. But Are We Dating The Same Guy groups — there are more than 150 in different cities around the world — have become increasingly criticized for divisiveness, toxicity, defamation and privacy issues.”
I’ve been writing online since 2003 and my site has 1000 blog posts with over 140,000 comments. I’ll give you one guess as to whether you think all of them were compliments from my Mom. The only thing you can count on when posting your opinion online is that someone will disagree, misinterpret what you meant, and write something nasty in return.
I once posted the below meme on Facebook.
The first comment was: “Why show a man I liked him if I wasn’t interested?!”
You can see my point.
I get why “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” groups exist. I have several clients who spend time there, vetting their men as if they were government agencies running background checks on potential employees. To be sure, some of these women have struck gold. Witness this online commentary that my client, Jessica, discovered about a man she’d gone out with twice.
“If you look up sociopath, he fits the description perfectly, with a healthy side of narcissism. He starts by love bombing. He’s charming to the extreme and will promise you the world with no intention of following through with anything he says. If his lips are moving, he’s lying. He has a good resume. He will introduce you to his family and when he turns on you, he will tell his family lies so they think you’re insane.”
Presuming that’s true, this is a bullet dodged.
Then again, another client, Amy, posted this comment about a different guy.
“I went on Are We Dating the Same Guy - Chicago and my guy was on there! 3 women were saying he plans great dates but in between dates, he doesn’t communicate except when making another date. A few of the women have dated him for 3 months and nothing changed.”
As a dating coach, I tell women to pay attention to how a man behaves in between dates, not just on the dates. If a guy doesn’t step up to become your boyfriend in the first 6 weeks or so, he’s probably not going to. By that token, this man’s behavior suggests he’s not likely to become Amy’s future partner.
But has he done anything wrong? Illegal? Unethical? Untoward? Are we now policing a man’s right to casually date in private?
If we reversed the roles, would any woman want to be outed publicly because she didn’t want to be in a relationship with any given man?
What if she was on the rebound and was unsure if she was ready for the level of commitment required to be a girlfriend? Nope. The only reason for not committing or making an effort is because you’re selfish, narcissistic, and avoidant - and must be pilloried with your name and face visible to anyone in one of these Facebook groups.
Listen, I get why women are fearful when it comes to dating. You can’t do my job and gloss over the awful stories about men who lie, men who ghost, and men who seem solid on paper but turn out to be awful human beings. In theory, if there were an objective way to rate men’s dating behaviors and motives, it would be a great public service.
The problem is that there’s not.
In theory, if there were an objective way to rate men’s dating behaviors and motives, it would be a great public service.
The problem is that there’s not.
I met over 300 women online before meeting my wife. The vast majority weren’t right for me. Doesn’t mean they were bad people. Doesn’t mean I would trash them online.
But if I were to channel the last three women who dumped me - and what they could hypothetically say in a Facebook group - it makes me shudder.
Marnie: “I dated Evan for six months. While he seems like a nice guy, all of his prolific dating just masked the fact that he wasn’t popular in high school and that’s why he’s decided to date everyone in Los Angeles. And while he claims to love women and is very close with his mom, he’s really a toxic narcissist and secret misogynist. I once checked his browser history and saw he looked at porn. Disgusting! While I broke up with him three times, I always took him back because he said he loved me. But if he loved me, would he still find other women attractive? When I introduced him to my therapist to see if she agreed with me, she said he seemed like a normal guy. He’s not. He’s bad news for any feminist with strong opinions.”
Lana: “I dated Evan for 3 months. Although everything was amazing in the beginning - we were both saying I love you and talking about having kids within two weeks - my feelings about him changed. First of all, Evan seemed needy. He’d gotten a job offer that was way more prestigious than writing dating profiles for his own company, but he was so anxious that the opportunity fell apart. I’m sorry, but as a senior executive, I have no patience for a guy who can’t figure out how to climb the corporate ladder. I know he’s a sensitive guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, but it was too much drama for a short relationship. Plus, when we went away on vacation and I wanted him to pay half, he balked, which is not a good look for a man.”
Elsa: “I’m not even sure you can say that Evan and I dated. We were a long-distance thing. We talked every night for two months and got close. Then he came to New York for a four-day weekend so we could see if we had something real. He felt it. I didn’t. He was a perfectly good guy, I just wasn’t that attracted to him. Maybe he was too into me but all I knew was that after a few days with him, I was making excuses to take a break or not sleep in the same bed. I didn’t mean to put him in the friend zone, but that’s what he reminded me of - some of the nice Jewish boys I grew up with - and I felt I needed more of a man’s man - someone I could admire and respect more.”
Everything above was an earnest attempt to capture their worst possible interpretations of me in my early 30s. As you know, there are two sides to every story. (I promise: my side sounds MUCH different.)
However, if these women, after our breakup, sought to warn others about me in their local “Are We Dating The Same Guy” group, the above impression - as narcissistic, insensitive, immature, anxious, cheap, and needy - would be impossible to turn around.
So, are those women “wrong” for feeling the way they felt about me twenty years ago? Not necessarily. We’re all entitled to our feelings. But just because two people disagree doesn’t mean one side has a monopoly on truth.
This is the primary reason I’m against groups like this.
Instead of “innocent until proven guilty,” it’s “guilty with no chance of innocence.”
There’s no assumption of positive intent - the belief that all people are flawed but are generally good and doing the best they can.
There’s no assumption of positive intent - the belief that all people are flawed but are generally good and doing the best they can.
The default assumption tends to be more sinister.
If he sleeps with you on Date 4 and later decides he doesn’t see a future, he’s a player.
If he comes on strong at the beginning but concludes after 3 months you’re not the one, he’s a love bomber.
If he recently divorced and has no desire to remarry soon, he’s a commitmentphobe who used you to work out his issues.
This serves to distort and flatten the male experience. Men are just as insecure, confused, and unsure about how to choose a partner as women.
While I concede your right to do a cursory Google search on any guy you’re dating, many women take things to the next level.
Suddenly, you’re doing a full social media audit, combing through a few years of his posts on various platforms, running a background check on him, and joining one of these “Are We Dating the Same Guy” groups. But to what end?
How much paranoia is necessary for a single woman in the 21st century? I don’t know. How much negativity can you take? How many horrible stories can you hear about men without poisoning your view of them? How much bias - always her side, never his side - are you inclined to accept as fact?
I don’t know the answer. I do know that despite the existence of well-meaning places that save women from scammers and two-timers, it FEELS a bit inorganic and fearful. Like frisking everyone on the way out of the office to ensure he’s not stealing office supplies, or making everyone take off his shoes at the airport to ensure there’s no bomb.
Are there shitty guys out there? Abso-fucking-lutely! SO MANY! But do you want to (metaphorically) let the terrorists win by assuming the worst of men instead of the best of men?
No, you do not.
Instead, you can do what everyone did until the past 20 years - go out on a date, see how quickly he follows up, listen to your feelings over the next month about whether he’s worth your time, and, eventually, over the next two years or so, determine if you have what it takes to be a long-term couple.
It’s not that radical.
In fact, it’s exactly how you treat everyone else in the world.
You may find it scary to date from a place of curiosity instead of fear.
I think you’ll find that it’s a lot more enjoyable - and effective with men.
What I Got Wrong
You said in Love U, "Smart women use their sex appeal to keep a guy hooked while evaluating whether he has boyfriend potential" I dislike this purely for the use of sex appeal to keep a guy hooked. The reason being that women are constantly - from a young age - made to think their only offering is being attractive. In reality, men find me sexy as I am. I don't need to "do" anything other than remember that I am the prize.
This is a dissent well worth airing. The greater context is that this point was made in a longer video from Love U about sex - specifically the concept of “going around the bases” during courtship before you have sex.
I was merely intimating that if you don’t do ANYTHING physical for 6 weeks (say, just a hug and a kiss on the cheek), many men will feel unattractive or like they’re not making any progress. Therefore, it’s wise to keep them hooked by engaging in foreplay prior to commitment. I hope that clarifies my feelings on the subject - even if you still disagree with my assessment.
I do have to disagree completely with your take on attraction, Evan. Attraction plays a big role in dating and being in a relationship. If you are not attracted, intimacy becomes a burden and an obligation. No loving intimate relationship can survive just based on personality or he just becomes your roommate. I tried to build up that attraction for over 20 years, it’s just not that simple.
My name is Evan Marc Katz and I approve of this message.
You’re right: you can’t have a relationship without attraction.
Then again, I’ve never said you should.
But when I point out that attraction is often what gets us into bad relationships and suggest that character or kindness should be deemed equally important, I’m accused of saying that attraction is unimportant.
So let me restate my views for the cheap seats in the back: attraction is important. Sex is important. But attraction without solid communication or his desire for commitment is pretty useless - at least for my clients.
Disagree with anything I wrote? You’re not alone. Click the button below or email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com.
You Can Also See Me On…
We Met at Acme
Lindsay Metselaar offers up some no-nonsense dating and relationship advice on her popular We Met at Acme podcast.
Not surprisingly, we get along famously.
Together, we discuss green flags in women that men look for, the most toxic piece of dating advice for women, how much it’s about physical appearance, dating as a successful woman, how to know if someone makes you happy, why lowering your standards may be necessary, and more.
By the way, I never actually suggest lowering your standards. I talk about RAISING your standards for how you’re treated by men and opening up to guys who aren’t exactly like the fantasy partner you’ve imagined.
This is what my wife and I both did, for what it’s worth.
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - Silo - I’m not a big sci-fi guy but this one has me paying attention. It’s a post-apocalyptic dystopian society, everyone is stuck inside, and the leaders clearly have something to hide. Shades of Westworld and Gattaca. And Smallfoot, if you have kids and are a fan of Common.
Movies - You Are SO Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah - Adam Sandler and his family make a quintessential teen coming-of-age comedy centered around two best friends who let a boy come between them. The “Mean Girls” aspect of it was excruciating - as was the conspicuous consumption - but I had to enjoy a film that didn’t run from its matter-of-fact cultural Judaism. And since I’m throwing a bat mitzvah next year, I also learned what NOT to do.
Books - Buy Back Your Time by Dan Martell - A mutual friend in the dating business said this book changed his life. While I already have a good work/life balance - I don’t work nights, I don’t work weekends - I’m learning how to hire better and run a business more effectively. Let’s just say I’m a far better dating coach than I am a CEO.
Substack - Love Shouldn’t Feel Bad by Heather Havrilesky. The author is the OG advice columnist and someone I respect immensely. A fellow Duke graduate, she pours her heart and soul into her responses. Never writes a half-assed column and often leaves me astonished at the passion and compassion she has for helping her readers. Money quote:
“Love doesn’t have to be hard. Good love can be frustrating, boring, irritating. But it’s often easy. It’s comforting. You feel known and adored, even when things are challenging. You feel relaxed when you’re together. You feel accepted and loved.”
Hmm…sounds familiar.
The Honey Shot
Here’s a picture of me and my guy (we just celebrated 2 years together last week). He joined me at a country music festival to see Cory Marks. I should note that he was not much of a country guy when we started dating, but he put up with it and actually started listening to it on his own!
Jen B
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A screenshot of a guy’s text message? A dating profile you want to write to? A Honey Shot? Click here, comment below, or email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
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