Why Have a Relationship If You Have to Censor Yourself?

Keeping secrets is antithetical to true intimacy

Sep 22, 2023

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Why so many papers? She can’t tell you. It’s a secret!

I have a friend who knows nothing about his wife.

That’s not entirely fair. He knows she has a great smile. He knows she’s close to her mom. He knows she’s inquisitive and laughs at all his jokes.

But he doesn’t know anything about her past relationships. He has little knowledge about her first husband, no clue about her former sexual partners, and only a partial picture of what led her to become the woman she is today.

To be fair, SHE doesn’t know anything about HIS previous relationships either. That’s their agreement - “we don’t talk about the past”- and, for 10 years, they’ve largely stuck to it.

I don’t get this at all.

As much as I respect everyone’s right to make her own choices - and I’m not so arrogant to think my marital dynamic is the only way to be happy - this level of secrecy within marriage would seem to create a weaker relationship.

Let’s take a step back to ask an unusual question: How do people get close?

On one hand, you can say that it’s all about the cumulative number of hours you’ve been together. Spend enough time with anyone over many years, you’re going to get close. Except that’s not how it works.

You can share an office with a co-worker for a decade and not get close. You can grow up in the same house as two sisters and not get close. You can be like me - an open book - and still not feel close to your in-laws after 15 years.

So if the formula is not simply proximity + time, what makes people close?

Here’s what I’ve come up with: Closeness - or intimacy if you prefer - is about the vulnerable exchange of information.

Closeness - or intimacy, if you prefer - is about the vulnerable exchange of information.

Letting down your guard, being authentic, finding comfort in sharing your feelings without the fear of judgment or abandonment.

Hell, you can feel “close” after bonding with a stranger on an airplane for five hours. It’s all about the nature of the information exchanged. I’ve probably shared more with strangers than I’ve shared with my in-laws, if only because the strangers were curious about me and my in-laws find personal questions to be invasive.

In this (somewhat WASPy) worldview, talking about anything real is seen as potentially divisive and is, therefore, to be avoided.

Personally, I find it easier to share the real me instead of creating a curated persona with no past, no insecurities, and no complex thoughts.

But that begs the question: if it’s more rewarding to be authentic and feel seen, why do so many people keep secrets from those who love them?

My guess: to avoid shame, judgment, and embarrassment.

What information is the most personal, revealing, and embarrassing?

You’ve got it: your old romantic relationships!

I never saw things this way. Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be like my Dad; to fall in love and start a family that enjoyed 80’s movies, basketball and Balderdash. I succeeded, but it was far from easy. Not only did it take me 35 years and 300 dates before I got married but I made so many mistakes along the way that my failures in love are inextricable from my identity.

In other words, if my wife didn’t know about my past, she wouldn’t know ME - who I am, what I’ve learned, and why I devote my life to her and other women longing to create happy relationships.

You can only discuss the weather, what happened at work, and what you’re streaming this weekend so often before your relationship - by staying in the present and avoiding the past - lacks a certain depth and intimacy.

I naturally want to acknowledge there are many valid counterarguments as to why you’d never talk about your exes.

Some people are big on privacy. Some are concerned about judgment. Some worry that their partners are too sensitive to handle the truth. Some say it’s disrespectful to tell your current partner about previous relationships.

I get it… and yet it still feels like an excuse. An excuse rationalizing how fragile your relationship is that you can’t speak your truth. Really, what kind of life partnership forces you to hold things back, to keep secrets, to never fully express yourself?

Maybe that’s the way one must act in a corporate environment, but, to me, the most important facet of my closest relationships is that I can speak my mind without repercussion and know that I am loved, despite my flaws.

To me, the most important facet of my closest relationships is that I can speak my mind without repercussion and know that I am loved, despite my flaws.

I was reminded of this last week when I was on Zoom with three different Love U clients who were having issues with the men they were dating.

Samantha was upset because her boyfriend didn’t have sex with her on her birthday. He explained he had a bad day and wasn’t in the mood. She accepted this begrudgingly but never shared her true feelings.

Meredith was frustrated because the guy she was seeing texted but didn’t call. Of course, she never actually told him she’d prefer to talk on the phone.

Erica was frustrated because her boyfriend got invited to an event but hadn’t yet invited her. She, too, didn’t say anything, to avoid rocking the boat.

Q: Why are so many women afraid of expressing their needs to their men?

A: Fear.

Fear of arguing. Fear of his anger. Fear of breaking up. Fear of abandonment. Fear of being alone. Fear that you’re selfish for even having needs.

If, for example, you grew up in a household with a domineering father and an alcoholic mother, you learn quickly that your opinion doesn’t matter. Your job is to placate the difficult personalities around you. Then, since what you grow up with becomes your template for what’s normal, you unconsciously choose partners who possess the same traits as your dysfunctional parents.

This is the origin of most of our broken relationship choices as well as our poor communication skills. It becomes commonplace to find yourself in an infinite negative feedback loop with your partner.

He does something you don’t like. In response, you don’t speak your mind. You bite your tongue. You swallow your pride. You bend over backward to avoid conflict.

Because anything you say can and will be used against you, you decide you won’t say anything. You’ll just roll with the punches and stew silently that your insensitive partner isn’t meeting your needs - even though you’ve never calmly and directly told him what your needs are.

You’ll just roll with the punches and stew silently that your insensitive partner isn’t meeting your needs - even though you’ve never calmly and directly told him what your needs are.

I know: there are plenty of men who are selfish assholes who have no interest in meeting your needs. But there are also plenty who want to be good partners, who can’t read your mind and need you to express your feelings in a way that entices them to WANT to please you.

Imagine how easy it’d be for any of the above women to express their needs.

Samantha: “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day, babe. That sucks. It’s not your fault that you’re in a bad mood on my birthday. But I only get one of these per year and, it makes me feel sad that we can’t find a way to pull together and try to make it special. What can we do to get you out of this negative space and have a hot, amazing night together?

Meredith: “I love it when you text me while you’re watching TV, but you know what I love more? Seeing your cute face and hearing your sexy voice. How about you press the little green dial button and make me smile?”

Erica: “Congratulations on qualifying for that triathlon! I’m proud of you and I’m so glad your hard work is paying off. I know you didn’t mean it this way but it didn’t feel good that you didn’t consider I might want to support you in person next year. In the future, can you assume that I want to be your biggest cheerleader and the first person you turn to when big things come up - and if I can’t make it due to a prior conflict, at least I know you want me to be there? Thanks, babe.”

You may (rightfully) quibble with my word choices, but this is effective communication and it would be hard to fathom a decent guy getting angry upon hearing the above. If a man did get upset by such reasonable requests, it would reveal that he’s not the kind of man with whom you can share your true feelings - and that it may be time to exit.

All of this is to say that full self-expression is the relationship ideal and we should strive to find partners who are comfortable with this mode of honesty.

I know my wife lost her virginity three years before I did, kept her first wedding album, and slept her way around Europe after her divorce

She can cite a few dozen of my most horrifying dating stories. She knows the names of all my exes. She understands that I publicly share embarrassing anecdotes about us as a means of helping other people.

Would we be a better couple if our relationship was all about what we’re having for dinner and who’s picking up the kids from soccer? I don’t think so.

There might be less TMI but there’d be a LOT less depth and connection.

The greatest gift you can give another human being is your full acceptance.

Find someone who lets you be you; both the best and the worst you.

Anything else - in my opinion - is settling.

What I Got Wrong

In a thematic nod to this week’s Lovesplaining, reader Shari takes issue with my Love U mantra: “Full trust or no trust,” in which I intimate that if you don’t trust your partner, you shouldn’t have a relationship with him.

Evan, you suggest that a boyfriend does not "earn" our trust. A boyfriend is to be given "full trust or no trust." Meanwhile, we are compelled to give complete strangers online a fair amount of trust in order to funnel, flirt, and go on a first date... I believe there is a Both/And here that merits your attention and wisdom. I believe it is absolutely possible to be light and fun and also diligent about sexual and physical safety.

Perhaps just recognize that for a woman to feel physically safe, she is justified in looking out for herself. She is not making all men bad. She is smart. If a woman has a bad feeling about a man, yes she may be judging him too harshly. Again, balance... but perhaps give women permission to say, "Brad, I really love how I am feeling with you. I just need more time to be close before driving to your home. How about I meet you there this time?

I hear Shari and agree with the both/and approach, especially at the beginning. In general, however, I don’t want the fear of being hurt to take precedence over the trust necessary to build a healthy relationship.

It’s easy to treat new guys as potential criminals in waiting; it’s a lot harder to learn to trust your judgment. That’s what we do together in Love U.

Keep those dissents coming!

You Can Also See Me On…

I recorded two episodes of comedian Natasha Chandel’s Kinda Dating podcast at her home in Marina del Rey.

In the first, I reveal the unique challenges modern women come across when looking for love, discuss the role of personal accountability, and share tips on how to avoid wasting time on the wrong person! Click below to listen:

In the second, I reveal how men and women approach dating (and ultimately sex) differently, and discuss the concept that men look for sex and stumble upon love. I also share practical tips on how women can weed out bad apples, leading to a spirited debate on the “when to have sex” rule. It’s a titillating conversation (Natasha’s words, not mine!) so please, enjoy:

You HAVE to Check Out…

TV - Only Murders In the Building - My wife is a sucker for comedies (and true crime podcasts) and Steve Martin automatically gives any project a stamp of credibility. I’m not sure I find the show laugh-out-loud funny the way I did “Veep” or “Silicon Valley” but it’s cute, high-class, and reminds me of New York, which is, for me, a good thing.

Movies - Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part 1 - Tom Cruise is just one-of-a-kind. I don’t care about the couch-jumping on Oprah, his anti-psychology rant to Matt Lauer, or the fact that he might be a robot. I sort of care about the Scientology thing, but not if it means he’s going to make movies like this. This was a three-hour action film that FLEW by.

Books - Think Again by Adam Grant - If you like understanding how people think so you can see into your blind spots, Grant makes the topic easily accessible. Fans of Dan Ariely, Jonah Lehrer, Daniel Kahneman, and Barry Schwartz will breeze through this. You’ll want to take notes.

Substack - A Cold Email Got Me My Job - and an Afternoon with Gay Talese - Stories like this warm my heart. A woman with big ambitions and dreams reaches out directly to the people she admires, and, more often than not, they write back. Reaching out to Matt Yglesias and Bari Weiss is how I landed this Substack, so the proof is in the pudding.

The Honey Shot

This is our first anniversary trip in… Cabo? Puerta Vallarta? I should remember this, shouldn’t I? My wife is the one on the left.

Thank you for reading Lovesplaining. Please share with a friend who needs some inspiration.

Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A screenshot of a guy’s text message? A dating profile you want to write to? A Honey Shot? Click here, comment below, or email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.

Thanks for being part of my Love Universe!