You Are Too Busy For Love
But you have a choice!
“All the Joy and No Fun” is the title of Jennifer Senior’s 2014 book on modern parenting.
I think that encapsulates the way we feel about most things now. We’re supposed to be passionate about our careers, our hobbies, and our kids, but we’re mostly feeling controlled by them. At some point, we end up with so many obligations that we have little time for ourselves - and then wonder why we’re so burned out and disconnected.
We know about the attention economy, where every platform (including this one) is vying to capture your eyeballs for a few fleeting moments, either to distract you, outrage you, or sell you something. The problem with the attention economy is that companies always win and you generally lose. Too many of your non-working hours are hoovered up by distractions - diet tips, leadership tips, cat videos, political red meat. In a world where your most precious gift is your time, every second of the day is already accounted for.
So what does this have to do with love?
Well, if we already know - and we do, from 1000 Arthur C. Brooks articles - that long-term happiness comes down to the quality of your relationships, and we barely have a second to breathe, it makes sense to reconsider our priorities and allocate our time differently.
Put another way: if you spend 50 hours per week at work and 0 hours per week on love, you probably have a lot more career success than relationship success. That’s the pattern I see as a dating coach for successful women, all of whom make six figures, none of whom have a satisfying long-term partner. I met two examples just last week.
One incredible woman signed up for six months of coaching, and if you saw her, your first question would be “Why?” She’s objectively stunning, she’s got a high-powered career, and she has an empty nest and the freedom to do what she wants.
How does she spend her time? A. Working. B. Traveling for work.
Her relationship history is all too common: 20 years in a bad marriage, a few months of dating, a 2 year bad marriage, a few months of dating, and 8 years in an unhealthy relationship that, mercifully, didn’t turn into a third bad marriage.
But it’s not like she’s unaware. As she explained:
“I’m a serial monogamist. I get attached to the first cute, successful guy who shows interest in me and keep my fingers crossed that he’ll be a good match. Basically, I get chosen, instead of doing the choosing, because I don’t like dating.”
Here’s a self-made millionaire with decades of experience hiring and managing high-performing teams, who literally hires the first qualified applicant and refuses to fire him, no matter how bad his performance reviews. The only thing she doesn’t have in life is a partner, yet dating is the thing she spends the LEAST time doing.
The following day, I spoke with another woman - mid-40s, independent, never married - who would love to start coaching but won’t be able to commit until she quits her current job in the fall. That’s how much we let our careers dominate our lives.
I know the value of a high-powered job: the money, the status, the excitement, not to mention the meaning and identity of being successful at your chosen career. I’m not suggesting that you quit your full-time gig and go on a 24/7 husband hunt. But I do have a saying that I think bears relevance here:
“You don’t make time WHEN you find the right partner, you make time TO find the right partner.”
I ask you: how much time are you currently devoting to finding the right partner?
And, if you have a relationship, how much time are you devoting to each other, rather than your job and your kids?
Love,
Evan
Raise your relationship standards