It's Full Trust or No Trust
A story in which I look bad, make women upset, and still think I'm right.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for 4 months when I got a last-minute email from a friend from New York who wanted to grab a quick, spontaneous dinner at a famous Los Angeles diner called Swingers.
I said yes and told my girlfriend about my plans.
There was one small complication: my friend was a woman I had a crush on from a JDate singles trip the previous winter. (Ever practical, she rejected the dating coach from LA in favor of a doctor from New York).
My girlfriend balked. You’d probably balk, too.
I explained that it was no big deal. Sure, I had a four-day crush on her, largely aided by the atmosphere of Club Med Turks and Caicos, but she lives in New York and I’m now in a serious relationship, so what’s the big deal?
My girlfriend explained that she’d been cheated on before, both by her first husband and a few boyfriends before, and this was red flag behavior.
I explained that I’d never cheated on anybody before and we were just going to a diner down the street from 8-10 pm.
My girlfriend asked if she could join us at dinner. If this woman was such a good friend of mine, shouldn’t she get to know her?
I said she could not join us specifically because she was NOT a close friend. She was a fellow screenwriter who was in town for a day to take studio meetings and I would probably never see her again after dinner.
My girlfriend wanted to know why it was so important for me to meet her.
I told her it was not important for me to meet her. It was important to be with a woman who didn’t tell me what to do.
I went to dinner.
I married my girlfriend.
I’ve never cheated on her.
I never saw the screenwriter again.
Just like I said.
I told this story during a unit on communication at my Love U Retreat in Puerta Vallarta. In the conference room were me, my wife, and 11 women.
Everyone was shocked and they all started to shout out at me. Because I have goodwill with them, it wasn’t in anger, but there was certainly confusion.
“So your message to us is to be doormats?”
”How does this square with setting boundaries for men?”
“Pretty sure that didn’t make your wife feel safe, heard, and understood, Evan.”
I knew my stance wasn’t going to be popular. I also wasn’t backing away from it. Finally, the din died down and I called on a divorced woman in her 40s.
“Why was it more important for you to go out with this random woman than to simply pass on dinner and appease your girlfriend? Weren’t you choosing someone else OVER her? How was SHE supposed to feel?”
“That’s a perfect synopsis of what was going on in my wife’s head and what would probably be going on in your head. You’re thinking: ‘It’s not that I think he’s actually going to cheat on me at the diner. It’s that IF HE LOVED ME, he would do whatever I asked.’ Is that right?”
“Yes! That’s exactly it. You’re putting your shallow needs - to get validation from some stranger - over her deeper needs, to feel valued and secure.”
I took a second before replying.
“Are you sure her needs are more important than mine? Aren’t we both 50% of this relationship?”
“Yes, but you were doing something shady and defiant and unnecessary. It would have been so easy for you to skip dinner to make her happy.”
“Why should I have to skip dinner?”
“Because she asked you to.”
“Yes, but she knew I wasn’t going to cheat on her. I met her on vacation. I had a crush. I got rejected. She’s in town for a night. She asked me to dinner. Does telling the full truth sound like the behavior of a cheater to you?”
”Well, no, but—”
“So if I know I’m not going to cheat and she knows I’m not going to cheat, then what is the point of asking me to skip dinner?”
”To prove you would do what she asked.”
“Exactly,” I said, with a smile. The room was momentarily silent. Then, out of nowhere, my wife piped up.
“The reason that Evan’s needs were more important than mine is that my needs were based on my fears and insecurities - they had nothing to do with him. You know what he needed in that moment?”
All 11 women shook their heads.
“He needed to be with a woman who trusted him.”
It was an aha moment. Smiles emerged from the scowls. I could have defended myself for another hour but it wasn’t until my wife spoke that the women GOT that there was another valid point of view.
This wasn’t a case of another man saying “You’re not the boss of me!”
This was a case of an ethical man who was standing up for his honor, his independence, and his right to make his own decisions.
In short, if my girlfriend trusted me, there should be no problem with me going out to dinner with another woman - even if she’s attractive.
If she didn’t trust me, then our problems were much bigger than dinner with another woman. You can’t have a relationship with someone you don’t trust.
The Love U saying is “It’s full trust or no trust.”
It’s not just a thing I say. It’s something I believe deeply.
My wife can be at a resort in Cabo with girlfriends, get drunkenly kissed by a rogue bachelor while dancing, tell me when she gets home that she’s flattered that much younger men still find her attractive and I will laugh along with her.
And, of course, I can be surrounded by attractive women, without supervision, and be trusted to be a faithful partner.
You may or may not agree with me. That’s your right. But if you’ve ever had a jealous or insecure boyfriend, perhaps you know how I felt. He said he’s controlling you out of love, but he was controlling you out of insecurity.
“Don’t wear that sexy dress!” “Why were you talking to that guy?” “Who were you out with?” “Let me see your phone!”
You’ve done nothing wrong but he’s making you pay the price as if you did. Maybe if he monitors your every move, you can never cheat on him. What he doesn’t calculate is that a strong woman will push back on his controlling behavior. Only a weak woman will accept being treated like a criminal.
For what it’s worth, I have never told my wife she’s dressing too sexy. I have no idea what she does with her time while I’m working. I have never paid attention to who she follows on social media nor ever checked her text messages. Honestly, it sounds exhausting - both for me and for her.
When you’re married, you should be able to have guy friends that you’ve maintained from before your marriage. You should be able to visit your ex and your child in a different state without a chaperone. You should be able to leaf through your old wedding album without fear of retribution or appreciate sexy photos online without having to justify it.
The only thing you can’t do is cheat.
A healthy relationship allows this kind of freedom.
Most people do not have a healthy relationship.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
What I Got Wrong
On Female Desirability pissed a few people off, including my client, Michelle:
I find this really depressing. Maybe I’m in denial but I feel like at 51 I still get attention from men. Maybe not as much as 20 years ago, but I still get the car honks, the cat calls, men talking to me in the grocery store or in the street. Maybe it’s the culture where I live? Not sure. My ego has taken a serious blow lately since I had a double mastectomy last fall and reconstruction has not been going well and has been a very slow process. I also gained weight during all this, and I am feeling way less confident in how I look, and my looks have always been something I take pride in, deservedly or not. However, I am still getting some guys’ attention at least. Not sure if it just means they would be dtf, or if they would “move mountains” for me as described in the article. I don’t know how I’ll do online because I have not been online since I was 47. I am a physically fit woman, and I like physically fit men. I used to feel relieved to look at my most recent boyfriend because he had nice muscles and was fit and trim and I was really attracted to his body. I always had this feeling like, “thank god I got one who looks good to me.” It was a major sense of relief, but then he turned out to be a total jerk, a liar, and a cheater. It makes me sad to think I’ll have to settle for some saggy old dude who doesn’t work out. I think I might just wait and be single, to tell the truth. I have tried to be with men who I was on the fence about physically, and it was not satisfying to me, regardless of how great a personality and heart he had. I guess I’ll see what happens when I go back online in a few weeks. I just don’t think it should be too much to ask that I find a guy who likes me who also works out and takes care of his body, even in his 50s and beyond. Sorry about the kind of rambling post, but I have a lot of thoughts about this.
My wife once said to me: “You know why people don’t like you, Evan? You’re the guy who tells people there’s no Santa Claus!” She’s right. Then again, there’s no Santa Claus. :) I’ve always seen myself as a truth-teller - the doctor who reads your chart and tells you that your cholesterol is high. But sometimes people need more cheerleading than chart-reading.
After talking with Michelle, I understood why she had this reaction to my piece and she understood that my job is to express the facts, acknowledge her feelings, and show a path forward. I’m grateful for my readers and your feedback.
Link That Made Me Think
True Love: Is There a Hack For That?
As a coach for twenty years, I’ve seen it all. And I agree that it’s never been a more challenging climate for dating, largely because of dating apps. Their ubiquity means you have to use them. The experience though, leaves much to be desired. But some power users are trying to find workarounds: deactivating and reactivating your account, rejecting a string of attractive profiles, or temporarily switching your location to a different city.
I can’t say if any of this works but if you’re gonna stay on the apps, you might as well try to do something different to produce a different result.
On the Love U Podcast
How to Balance an Anxious/Avoidant Attachment Style
If you didn't have a healthy nuclear family with loving married parents, you likely formed an attachment style that is either anxious or avoidant. But what happens when your anxiety turns into avoidance, and your avoidance turns into anxiety? This is something I see with women in Love U and a phenomenon worth airing in this episode. Your past doesn't have to predict your future; it just takes strength to make different choices with men.
My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week
You Can Also See Me On…
I met with Paulette Rigo on her Better Divorce podcast for a wide-ranging conversation about some of my favorite topics, including:
Why it’s important to approach dating after divorce with confidence and a positive mindset.
Your success depends not on the online dating apps themselves but on how you use them and the effort you put in.
You may carry limiting beliefs from your marriage, but it's important to recognize that there are healthy and functional relationships out there.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable and make smart compromises in relationships
Seek resources and support to navigate the complexities of dating after divorce.
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - Friends - My wife just started Season 1 with my daughter and I remember why I fell in love with the show. I forgot how singularly obsessed they were with sex, which is a little uncomfortable when watching with a 13-year-old, but, oh well.
Movies - American Fiction - My favorite movie of 2023. Hits all the notes. Funny. Relevant. Skewering. Timely. You don’t have to know what it’s about. Just enjoy it.
Books - Lives of the Stoics - The Art of Living from Zeno to Marcus Aurelius by Ryan Holiday and Steven Hanselman. A history book without being long. A philosophy book without being dense. A useful reminder of the value of hard work, virtue, honesty, and the values that we should all strive to embody.
Substack - Maybe You’re Not Anxiously Attached - by Freya India - India does rantier Gen Z versions of some of the same ideas we tackle here - in this case, the idea that the problem is YOUR anxious attachment style and not HIS shitty behavior.
The Honey Shot
Thanks to you and Love U, I got everything I’ve ever wanted. My son just turned one. He is an amazing, happy, and sweet little boy and nothing makes me happier in this world than to be his mama. Children grow so fast- I had always heard that but never realized it until I became a parent. I am working full time (36 hours, 3 days/week) so I have a fairly good work/mommy balance.
I have taught my husband the value of communication and basically how to communicate in a relationship. I have set the examples of what I expect, need, and want. We are not perfect – I make mistakes and so does he. But he always puts me first, communicates with me, and makes me feel heard and understood, which is all a woman could ever ask for.
XO Nicole
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When I was in my early 20s, I was living in Israel and someone I'd had a fling with had a work-related trip that would take her through Tel Aviv, the West Bank, and Jordan. We decided to do the trip together, but in the time between planning the trip and actually taking it, I started dating an Israeli woman who couldn't safely travel with us through the West Bank. What to do? My then-GF said, "Go on the trip. There will be moments when you're attracted to her, that's fine. Just don't do anything about it and come back to me." I did as instructed and we dated for another two years, only breaking up because I wanted to go back to America and she would NEVER raise a family outside Israel.
Flash forward 10 years and the Israeli ex gets offered a job in the States that she just can't turn down. She moves here with her husband and three kids, and it's supposed to only be temporary but one year turns to two, then three, then pandemic... Anyway, now my parents, sister, and I do most major holidays with my ex's fam. When my mom had a health issue in my ex's area of expertise, my ex went with her to the doctor's appointments. The woman I dated last fall was so threatened by this friendship that she spun out and, between that and other things, I ended it. Trust can give a LOT of gifts, and the lack of it is wildly destructive.
I agree with almost all of this post, except for the ending line about “appreciating sexy pictures online.” If your husband follows a girl from college who occasionally posts something a little provocative, that’s one thing. But beyond that, I fully believe porn and/or following IG influencers who routinely post half-naked photos constitutes cheating.