On Female Desirability

It's hard for men to understand.

I’m probably going to get into some hot water today but there’s no point in writing something blandly agreeable that doesn’t spark discussion.

As a male dating coach for women, I’m acutely aware of the disconnect between how women and men think. It’s not that either of us is “right”; it’s that we have such different life experiences and perspectives that we often talk past each other. Just last night, after a Love U Live coaching call in which I demonstrated how to be sensitive to a guy with erectile dysfunction, a member posted this in our private Facebook group:

I’m not sure Evan knows how personally wounded a woman feels by thinking they’re not alluring enough for a man to “get it up.” (Even if this isn’t a fair or accurate assessment of the situation.)

To her credit, she added the parenthetical. But to make HIS embarrassing situation (HIS age, HIS performance anxiety, HIS health, HIS penis) about HER looks is to wildly miss the point. That’s why I feel compelled to write about female desirability today - both the reality and the fantasy of it.

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The reality is sobering. Suffice it to say that female desirability goes down over time. Whether it’s fair or right or bullshit or patriarchy or hypocrisy is another story. The stats from OkCupid:

Yep, you read that right. Whether a man is 20 or 50, his first click is always a woman in her early 20s. It’s not ALL bad news, per Gabrielle Moss in Bustle:

While these numbers reflect the “who’s liking who” information on OkCupid, the actual messaging patterns of men on the site show that they’re much more likely to message someone closer to their own age…More importantly: these surveys chart the desires of EVERY kind of guy on OkCupid, not just the guys you'd want to date…And perhaps most importantly: one of the things that changes most about dating as you age is the qualities you desire. Though many of us consider hotness a primary priority when dating in our late teens, when we get older, that generally begins to come second to the kind of qualities that make a man someone you're able to spend the next 20-60 years around without constantly wanting to fake your own death.

This is exactly what I’d say to my clients. It’s also a pretty dispiriting chart.

Then again, it tracks with the female “lived experience,” in which women are objectified at a shockingly young age. We’re not just talking about parents turning their adolescents into influencers. We’re acknowledging - however uncomfortably - that teens have always turned the heads of men. Feminist author Jessica Valenti wrote about this in her memoir Sex Object. Once girls start developing, they get all sorts of unwanted attention that they’re ill-equipped to handle. To be sexualized by others when you barely have any inklings of your own sexuality has to be incredibly confusing.

But that’s only where the story begins, because, as you know, being desired is a HUGE part of women’s lives. I’m not saying that women should be obsessed with male attention (although the $1 trillion beauty industry says you should). I’m saying that being physically attractive is a superpower that you don’t realize you have until it’s gone. Consider:

1. Social Interactions: Attractive individuals often find it easier to initiate and maintain social interactions.

2. Professional Opportunities: Attractiveness can positively influence hiring decisions and career advancement.

3. Personal Relationships: Attractive women get more opportunities for dating and forming meaningful relationships.

4. Perceptions of Competence: Physical attractiveness is often associated with intelligence, trustworthiness, and competence.

5. Confidence Boost: Feeling attractive can contribute to higher self-esteem and confidence levels.

Yes, these are bullet points generated by ChatGPT. But if you’re a woman, you know what it feels like to have men cross a room to talk to you, offer to buy you things, take you on vacation, tell you how hot you are, praise your eyes, your face, your naked body, and move mountains to be with you.

That’s powerful. And 99% of men have never experienced anything like it.

Men are praised for being smart, funny, and financially successful. We are sometimes called cute, handsome, or even hot. But having the world bend to our will because of how we LOOK? Most guys have no experience with that level of being desired. This is why it’s been hard for me to understand my aging female clients as they struggle with their increasing invisibility to men.

It’s not just in their imaginations. In fact, there’s an actual point (around age 50) at which male desirability and female desirability cross paths. That’s the first time men have more dating options than women. The first time that average men can expect to get more emails than average women.

But if you’re a woman, you feel the pain way before that. It starts when you reach advanced maternal age (35) and suddenly, the dating pool dries up. This is the opposite of the male experience. While men are largely useless in their 20s, they finally start to come into their own in their 30s and 40s.

So even though attractive women still get more attention than men, their long-term options dim past 35, while men’s options expand. The data on this is messier but it’s not hard to see how this plays out anecdotally.

Men, as they age past 50, set their search criteria for 10-20 years younger. For the most part, they get rejected (unless they’re hot and/or rich). But because of the desirability curve, women are forced to open up to older men even though they, too, prefer younger guys.

Women, as they age, set their search criteria for 10 years younger to 5 years older. They usually discover that although younger men are up for sex, they don’t want commitment, while the men who desire them the most are often more than 5 years older.

You can see how this may be a problem.

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I’ve written about female desirability before.

There was this post, called Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can’t Find Boyfriends.

There was this post, about supermodel Paulina Porizkova, and how being overvalued for her beauty caused an identity crisis as she got older.

But I don’t think these two posts cover the territory I’m trying to cover today - which is the gap in desirability between men and women.

I candidly admit that, having never been particularly praised for my looks, it’s not a huge part of my identity. When I consider most of my friends, they, too, are in the 6-7 range of attractiveness as well. No one has ever bought us dinner. No one has ever worshipped our bodies. We’re “catches” because we’re nice guys with good senses of humor and high earning potential who are okay to look at. Being desirable as a middle-aged man is confusing. We remember the days in which hot women ignored us. Now, suddenly, those hot women are just women who have been brought back down to earth.

If you’re a woman who feels increasingly undesirable, I want to acknowledge your experience. It has to feel unfair to be an accomplished, resilient, self-actualized woman who, for reasons beyond your control, has fewer dating options. Yet, the first thing we’re taught as kids is that life is unfair. Is it fair that short guys are dismissed? Is it fair that men have to pay for dates and wedding rings? No. Fair doesn’t matter. It’s more empowering to make the most of what you’ve got than to complain that men will continue to physically desire younger women.

Age comes for all of us. I went to PT the other day because my feet hurt and my calves are cramping. My wife is getting her ass kicked by menopause. My older clients constantly tell me how NO men are attractive in their late 60s. That’s a fair observation. I will only gently point out that there’s a big difference between looking good for your age (when some strangers THINK you’re 15 years younger) and BEING 15 years younger. Everyone can tell the difference between a youthful 60-year-old and a normal 45-year-old. The skin sags. The hairs turn grey. The body parts ache. No one can escape it.

Personally, I think we’re fighting against evolution, but we can never win.

Women are programmed to want men with more resources to provide security for themselves and their families - even when you’re an independently wealthy woman.

Men are programmed to be attracted to young, fertile women - even when they’re not looking to have any more children.

Humans can override this and we often do. But it takes effort for successful women to get over their desire for high-status men and give a chance to men with less money. Similarly, it takes effort for men to overcome their desire for younger women and give a chance to women their age.

Why do we do it? Not because we want to but because we HAVE to.

People in the 99th percentile can break the rules. Robert DeNiro can date a woman 35 years younger. Salma Hayek can marry a billionaire in her 50s.

The rest of us just have to make calculated compromises, whether we think it’s fair or not.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

Link That Made Me Think

The Mystery of Partner Convergence by Faith Hill

Do couples become more alike? Or do they just THINK they do? This fascinating article explains:

If you feel like you and your partner are seeing the world through the same lens, it might just mean you feel close to them. But you don’t need to be similar to your partner in every way, nor should you necessarily want to be; if one partner gets panicky in stressful situations, it’s helpful for the other to remain calm. If one partner tends toward insecure attachment, research suggests that a more secure partner can do wonders to build their trust. And, indeed, studies have found that when partners think they’re similar, that’s much more predictive of their attraction, perceived responsiveness to each other, and self-reported feelings of love than the degree to which they really are similar.

My wife and I have definitely converged. She’s a little more outspoken. I’m a little more patient. She’s a little more political. I’m a little less ambitious. The moral of the story is that:

Whether convergence is a reality, a projection, or a little bit of both—the takeaway is largely the same: What’s important is that they feel connected and understood.

Amen.

On the Love U Podcast

Are You Trying to Change Him?

You know the narrative. Men suck. There are no good ones left. They're all narcissists or losers or emotionally unavailable. The cute ones don't want to settle down. The ones who want to settle down aren't attractive. When you finally find one you like, the compromises are too great. I'm not here to argue with you. What I will say, as a happily married dating coach, is that you have two choices: accept him as he is or dump him. What you can't do is stay in a relationship with a man who you're constantly criticizing and wanting to change. My take: if you can find one man on Earth you can fully accept, you'll both be happy for the rest of your life.

My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week

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You Can Also See Me On…

Sparks fly as I sit down with Andrea Knoche, who hosts a podcast about divorce called From Mrs. to Ms. Get ready to laugh and learn as we dive into the wild world of online dating, uncovering the art of setting filters and decoding the dating matrix. Naturally, I can’t help but offer Andrea unsolicited dating advice. I’m thankful she was a great sport. Enjoy.

You HAVE to Check Out…

Movies - Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy - It gives me infinite pleasure to share rated-R comedies with my kids. Stay classy, San Diego.

Books - Unwanted Advances - by Laura Kipnis - After getting suspended from Northwestern for writing a tongue-in-cheek article about why it was okay to have sex with your professor, Kipnis became a lightning rod for others facing questionable sexual harassment claims. Kipnis is one of our bravest feminist cultural critics who points out that just because #MeToo is harrowing doesn’t mean that women’s accounts are always to be believed.

Substack - The Coddling of the American Mind - the bestselling book by Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianoff is now a documentary that’s exclusively on Substack. If you’re as concerned about the mental health of our young people as I am, it’s worth your time to see how college campuses are contributing to an increasingly fragile demographic.

The Honey Shot

I followed your advice religiously and found exactly what I was looking for!  I’m still touched and grateful that you did that call with me back in January. I sing your praises to all of my friends and even had my boyfriend watch your videos with me as he entered my life before I completed Love U. Thanks for all of your good work!

Best,

Ashley

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