Catherine is educated, refined, and a self-made millionaire by age 34.
Unfortunately, over two years of online dating, Catherine has been through CEOs, doctors, lawyers, hedge fund managers, business owners, athletes, and actors, yet nothing has worked out for her.
She has no idea why. All she knows is that as soon as she’s committed to them, they start to look elsewhere.
Michelle is 41 and describes herself as “happy, smart, direct and articulate.” She’s been told by her friends that her lack of dates is because:
Men don’t like smart, direct women.
She’s “centered,” which sends the message that she doesn’t need anyone.
Michelle asks me if men are really that insecure. She punctuates her request for help by saying, “I’m certainly not going to be less than I am just for someone else’s insecurities.”
So, why is it that smart, strong, successful women seem to have a harder time dating than smart, strong, successful men?
I’ve got the answer to that important question below, but what I’m about to say may feel both challenging and revelatory.
There IS a reason that smart, successful women struggle in love and it is NOT because you are TOO smart and successful.
Consider another person who is struggling to find a partner.
Jason is 5’11, in good shape, makes six figures, and treats women well. He is what you’d call “a nice guy.” All his female friends comment on what a great catch he is, but none of them are interested in dating him.
Jason wants to know if he’s cursed to be alone just because he is kind to women. After all, the same women he likes often complain about the selfish and insensitive jerks they’re dating
Jason’s not one of those guys — he knows how to treat a woman with respect. Yet he’s not even getting in the door, despite being cute, tall, fit, successful, nice, respectful, and marriage-oriented.
Men reading this might empathize. Women reading this know that it’s not BECAUSE he’s nice that he’s not attracting women. It’s because he doesn’t exhibit masculine energy.
It’s because he lacks basic confidence.
It’s because he doesn’t express his opinions or stand for anything.
It’s because he has no ambition.
It’s because he constantly seeks the approval of others.
It’s because he sees himself as a victim.
It’s because he doesn’t take the lead sexually.
It’s because he sacrifices his power to be conciliatory.
It’s because he puts you up on a pedestal and you can’t summon any attraction for him.
These are common attributes of nice guys, yet nice guys think women don’t like nice guys BECAUSE they’re nice.
Not true. Women want nice guys — nice guys with opinions who stand up for themselves and know how to take control – while remaining sweet and considerate.
Smart, strong, successful women are very much like nice guys.
Nice guys struggle in love because they’re in their “feminine.”
Powerful women struggle in love because they’re in their “masculine.”
The question is not whether this is true.
The question is “What do we do about it?”
Just so we don’t quibble about definitions:
Masculine is about self. Your ideas. Your ambitions. Your schedule. Your opinions. Your needs.
Feminine is other-centric - it involves putting your needs aside and prioritizing others’ happiness and well-being.
Donald Trump is a caricature of masculine energy because everything is always about him.
Mother Theresa is probably the epitome of feminine energy - due to her self-sacrificial career taking care of the poor.
We ALL need a blend of masculine and feminine to be fully functional people.
Many of my clients are Type A achievers with “masculine energy.” They work hard. They’ve achieved incredible things. Masters degrees. Six-figure careers. Home-ownership. Grown kids. World travel. Economic independence.
When you consider that, until the 1970s, most women married in their early 20s and took careers as nurses, teachers, and secretaries (all helping professions), we’ve made extraordinary strides.
And while no one (at least no one here) is trying to return to the 1950s, we must admit that there’s been a social cost to the dissolution of gender roles.
Men have become more feminine, women have become more masculine, and the result has been, at the very least, confusing.
The great irony is that the changes are all, theoretically, POSITIVE changes.
It’s a good thing that women are no longer stuck in bad marriages because they don’t have careers. It’s a good thing that “girlboss” is a term and that more women graduate college, law school, and med school than men. It’s a good thing that women have called attention to #MeToo and are chipping away at the old boys’ network that has dominated our society.
It’s a good thing that men are more in touch with their feelings. It’s a good thing that they help out more with housework and childrearing. It’s a good thing that they’ve gone to therapy and are in touch with their feelings. It’s a good thing that they live in a world where women are powerful and positive role models abound. It’s a good thing that toxic masculinity is frowned upon.
So if women becoming more masculine is good, and men becoming more feminine is good, then why are relationships struggling?
My take is that societally, we’ve tried to abandon gender roles, but biologically and historically, we’re not quite ready to.
Men may be attracted to powerful women, but they still want someone to make them feel accepted, appreciated, and admired. While it would be great to marry a brilliant woman who is a partner at a law firm, deep down, many men crave a partner who cooks, raises the kids, and loves them unconditionally.
Women may be attracted to sensitive and evolved men, but they still want someone bold, confident, and ambitious. While it would be great to marry a man who is sensitive and selfless, deep down, many women crave a partner who is more of a confident alpha male with big opinions and a bigger wallet.
The problem is that there are very few men who are more impressive than my Type-A clients AND there are NO men who can embody ALL of these traits.
In my second book, “Why You’re Still Single”, I suggested that women want to date both the Marlboro Man AND the Sensitive Artist. But the Marlboro Man doesn’t want to talk about his feelings, and the Sensitive Artist is never going to be as strong and stoic as you want.
Ultimately, we all have to make tradeoffs to determine what qualities you need in a partner. The thing is: most people don’t want to make any tradeoffs.
Last week, I had a conversation with a woman who was sick of seeing all the messages online about women having to be “feminine” to do well with men.
She declared that was not going to dim her shine just to appease a man who was intimidated by her intellect and success.
I wholeheartedly agreed with her.
Any man who is intimidated by you is not “man enough” for you.
But since she’s not going to change her personality - and I’m not asking her to - what can she do differently to get a different result?
The answer is to do exactly what I did when I was struggling to figure out what kind of woman was compatible with me.
A. Choose a different kind of partner. Instead of dating women like me (opinionated, difficult, Type A) simply because I was attracted to them, I realized that I was better off choosing a complement, not a clone. Someone a little more easygoing, agreeable, and positive than I was.
B. Sand off some of the rough edges that come with being masculine. Marrying my wife made me more patient, more understanding, less critical, and less devoted to my career. Did I change my personality? No, but I ensured that my desire to control everything wouldn’t destroy my marriage.
I firmly believe that you can’t change your partner.
If you’re dating a workaholic, don’t expect him to change.
If you’re dating a jealous guy, don’t expect him to change.
If you’re dating an insecure guy, don’t expect him to change.
Choose a guy who DOESN’T HAVE TO CHANGE for you to be happy.
If you’re a high-achieving woman reading this now, you’re probably torn between your attraction to the Marlboro Man and your understanding that the Sensitive Artist will be the best friend you’ve ever had.
I’m not asking you to sacrifice one for the other. I’m asking you to find a blend of masculine and feminine that balances YOUR blend of masculine and feminine.
When I was single I was probably 70% masculine. I called, I planned, I paid, I had big dreams and strong opinions. But I still liked to talk about feelings, and had an innate sense of fairness. My wife was 30% masculine. She didn’t need to be the boss. She didn’t need to micromanage. She didn’t need to criticize. She was happy and comfortable in her own skin. We were a great fit.
In marriage, as she became a stay-at-home Mom who channeled her energies into the kids, she became closer to 50% masculine. Her opinions are stronger. Her communication is more direct. She’s the boss of our house. Which means I’ve had to become less masculine/controlling to balance her out.
This shift has been essential for our relationship.
So I ask you:
Are you more in your controlling masculine or your supportive feminine?
Do you choose partners who are more controlling or more agreeable
What if you chose a different type of partner?
What if you became a little more masculine/feminine depending on who you’re dating?
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
What I Got Wrong
On “Why Are Women Embarrassed to Admit That Love Is Important?” Lucy writes:
I am new to Substack and I love reading intelligent writing so thank you for your work. This was a great piece and it felt like it should have been about five paragraphs longer. As a woman who likely fits into your client demographic, and who has spent a good part of the last seven years taking responsibility for twenty years of unhapppy marriage, I can relate.
One of the reasons that people get into and stay in these lopsided and dysfunctional relationships is that they have gaps in their ‘relational’ development. Not trusting or knowing our feelings, not knowing or having boundaries, and being compliant for the sake of conflict avoidance are part of that. If you don’t figure this out about yourself, chances are the gaps get filled in with the romantic cultural norm or expectation of finding a soulmate and a better half. We marry hastily exactly because someone makes us feel complete in a way we actually should be feeling for ourselves. As a woman who was raised in the 70’s, when women were first starting to leave unhappy marriages (my mom included) and then having to suffer being labeled crazy home-wrecking feminists, I don’t think we’ve come that far.
I am surprised that you didn’t bring up the notion that the stigma of being ‘single’ still exists today. If women admit to enjoying being single, people don’t believe them (cue the raised eyebrow), and they are considered not normal and if they admit to desiring deep love they are considered ‘needy’ by popular culture. A quick look at the variety of Insta therapists out there confirms this pretty quickly. No wonder the confusion. I really loved the article because you reinforce the both/and, not just the either/or. I just also felt there was more backstory and cultural context not being presented.
A fair note - and part of the limitations of being a never-divorced Gen X male. We all write what we know.
Link That Made Me Think
The Key to Escaping the Couple Envy Trap - by Joshua Coleman
Comparison is the enemy of contentment. That’s why social media is so pernicious. It’s also why we glorify other people’s relationships without knowing anything that happens behind closed doors. Instead of thinking about how everybody’s happier than you, it’s actually healthier to do what my wife and I do: tell each other after every party that we’re the best couple in the world. Whether it’s true or not is irrelevant. All that matters is that you focus on gratitude for what you have instead of envy for what you don’t.
The full article is worth your time so click on the link above.
On the Love U Podcast
Should You Be Happy Alone?
My smart, successful clients have all loved and lost. Yet they recovered to rebuild their lives and fill them with meaningful work, travel, hobbies,and friendship. Today's question is whether this is enough. Is being happy alone a condition for finding love or is it a trap that allows you to stay alone indefinitely? What's the benefit of lasting love when being single is better than being in a bad relationship? In this Love U Podcast, I try to explain.
My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week
You Can Also See Me On…
Love Stories with Charlene Byars
In this YouTube podcast, I share my journey from being the world's first dating coach to finding true love myself. We discuss the importance of forgiveness, setting standards, and taking proactive steps in your love life. As always, we discuss common dating pitfalls and redefine the term settling.
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - The Regime - Kate Winslet and Cate Blanchett are my two favorite actresses since they can disappear into a role and make every character unique. In this one, Winslet plays Chancellor Elena Vernham, from a fictional Eastern European country that is becoming right-wing, authoritarian, and populist. It’s black humor and it’s all too relevant for American audiences.
Movies - Ferrari - Michael Mann makes masculine movies but this one was better than expected. Everything Adam Driver does is incredible, and the verisimilitude with 1950’s Italy and the race sequences was jaw-dropping.
Books - Victim - by Andrew Boryga - I read about this on Substack and it was right up my alley. I’m only 50 pages in but it feels like Junot Diaz with its authentic Nuyorican voice and it tells the story of a Latino writer who gets ahead by pretending to be more of a victim than he really is. Shades of American Fiction and Yellowface.
Substack - This is Why You’re Still Single - Zvi Mowshowitz - It’s a longer version of the themes you read here: you’re not making an effort, you’re giving up on online dating, you treat dating as if it’s scary, etc. He even lands on the Love U idea that dating is a funnel. Smart dude.
The Honey Shot
At 27-years-old, I am young, I am extremely goal-oriented and busy, but I've known for a while that I want to make time in my life for love. For a long time, I really only believed this in theory, but over the last few years, I have had a few boyfriends, random love interests, the guys you go out with who string you along and it doesn't go anywhere, and even a couple of guys I have been guilty of stringing along without it going anywhere...
Before joining Evan's Love U program, I had actually already been receiving a lot of his newsletters for a while and putting them into practice the best I could (like actually making time to date people, and putting in the required energy / minimal effort to have results ;). It took me a while, but I had already begun taking his advice seriously about knowing when to walk and when to give men a second chance, to look for things in potential future-boyfriends that would make me feel good and fulfilled in the long-run rather than looking for someone who was just like me, and of course, to keep dating, no matter all those disappointing dates!
Naila R.
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Watch This Video to Fix Your Man-Picker
I'm a political consultant and was having dinner with a few colleagues last week observing that like 90% of our politics is really about how the role of women changed more in the past 50 years than the prior 5000. And mostly very much for the good. But you can't make that big a change without upheaval, and it plays out everywhere.
Love this one Evan. We’ve discussed it many times in coaching but this article is such a great reminder for me and all of us ladies to find the balance.
-Sara