9 Reasons You Stay in Bad Relationships For Too Long
And why it's better to start over than to double down on a mistake.
Linda, 67, was living with her boyfriend of ten years when she called me, distraught. Her boyfriend had repeatedly told her he would never marry her and wasn’t leaving her anything in his will.
Maria, 40, desperately wanted children. Her boyfriend of seven years moved away for work two years ago, and although he claimed to want to marry her, he still had not proposed.
Stacy, 56, was in an on-again, off-again relationship with her boyfriend of three years. Although she was trying hard to make things work, he hadn’t returned her calls in two weeks.
What do these women have in common, besides being smart, successful women who enrolled in Love U?
None of them ended up with the guy.
I have dozens of stories like this. They all break my heart.
My clients invariably have confidence in their ability to climb the corporate ladder, renovate a home, or travel solo in a foreign country.
Yet they have no confidence in their ability to expect more from their partners, no confidence in their ability to set healthy boundaries, and no confidence in their ability to let go of these dead-end relationships.
They have no confidence in their ability to expect more from their partners, no confidence in their ability to set healthy boundaries, and no confidence in their ability to let go of these dead-end relationships.
These women have lost sight of the very POINT of romantic love: to feel seen, to feel cherished, to feel supported, to have someone who is aligned with your long-term goals and does everything he can to make you happy.
In my experience as a dating coach, there are 9 primary reasons women stay too long in dissatisfying relationships that don’t have a happy future.
Reason #1: Comfort:
People sometimes stay in relationships because they're comfortable. They fear the unknown and find solace in the familiarity of their current situation. This comfort, even if it's in a dead-end relationship, can be difficult to give up, especially when facing the uncertainty of being alone or starting anew.
Staying in an unhealthy relationship is particularly comfortable if that’s what you witnessed with your parents growing up: two people who don’t get along but stayed together, even though no one was happy.
When you normalize similar dynamics as an adult, you ignore the fact that you can have a BETTER relationship than your parents - if only you let your boyfriend go.
Reason #2: Sunk Costs
Long-term relationships often involve significant investments of time, emotions, and shared experiences. Breaking away from such investments can feel like a waste, leading people to stay in relationships far beyond their expiration date. It’s easy to talk yourself into staying just a bit longer because of the fear of starting over, being alone, and dating once again.
I would probably guess that half of my clients stayed in bad marriages from 10-30 years. When asked when they knew there was an unfixable problem with their partner, most reported that they noticed it within the first year - but didn’t do anything about it for decades.
Reason #3: Chemistry
“Chemistry” is a chemical reaction in your brain that releases dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, and pheromones. These chemicals light up the same centers of your cerebral cortex as cocaine or methamphetamine and produce similar highs and lows. Chemistry tends to last 18-36 months, and if you’re holding onto a relationship where you don’t feel secure, you’re likely overvaluing the highs and trying to ignore the lows.
Reason #4: Common Interests
Many people think compatibility is about similarity. We’re both Catholic! We both like hiking! We’re both liberal New York Times readers! These are things that may bring people together. These are things that people find attractive. But they are not things that will keep a couple together forever. I can promise you that all of the sad women who turned to me to fix their dead-end relationships had plenty in common with their boyfriends - except for the most important thing: a shared vision and commitment to the future.
Reason #5: Wishful Thinking
Many individuals hold onto relationships due to a sense of hope. They might believe that things will eventually get better or that their partner will change. This hope can stem from genuine love or a desire to fix what's broken, but it often leads to prolonged stays in relationships that aren't improving.
It’s important to understand that a few things can be simultaneously true:
A man can treat you incredibly well at the beginning and incredibly poorly thereafter.
How he treats you now is more telling than how he treated you at the beginning. Most relationships start white-hot. What remains after a few years is a better predictor of your future.
You can’t change a man to be the person you believed he was or the person you want him to be.
Love is not enough to maintain a relationship. All divorced couples loved each other at one point. The problem is that they grew apart or were always incompatible and didn’t realize it until it was too late.
Reason #6: Last Man on Earth
We have a saying in Love U: “The man you’re dating is not the last man on earth.” The problem, when you’ve invested so much time, energy, and emotion in someone, is that you treat him as if he IS.
If the predominant emotions in your relationship are anxiety and fear, you need to reevaluate what love is supposed to feel like. If 80% of the time you’re on edge, arguing, or afraid of speaking your mind, and only 20% of your time is spent laughing and connecting, what’s the point of your partnership?
You’ll have a better chance of happiness with a random guy online than you do of turning your disappointing boyfriend into your future husband.
Reason #7: Good But Not Great
One of the hardest things about breaking up is when you have a relationship that is decent but ultimately dissatisfying. You can spend your life contorting yourself, trying to justify why you stay, but, in your body, you know this isn’t what you want your future to feel like. Women often stay with men who aren’t their best friends because they’re good on paper, stay with men they’re not attracted to because they’re nice guys, or stay with men with poor character and communication because they’re cute or wealthy.
Your future husband should be your favorite person. Not flawless, but someone you don’t have to change to be content for the rest of your life.
Reason #8: External Pressures:
Societal expectations, family pressure, or financial dependencies can also keep individuals tethered to an unfulfilling relationship.
Sometimes you stay because you declared your love early in the relationship. Sometimes you stay because your parents and culture frown upon divorce. Sometimes you stay because you want stability for your kids. Sometimes you stay because your finances are intertwined. All of these are valid concerns; none of these are reasons to spend your life with someone.
Reason #9: Low-Self-Esteem
Some people stay in dead-end relationships because they undervalue themselves. They might believe they don't deserve better or that this relationship is as good as it gets. Low self-esteem can trap individuals in situations where they settle for less than they deserve.
This, to me, is the most fascinating and disappointing reason.
These are women who know they’re gorgeous.
These are women who complain they’re smarter than most men.
These are women who can’t find too many men who outearn them.
These are high-value women who are objectively great catches, and due to a negative script implanted in their heads by their critical, emotionally unavailable parents, think it’s okay to suffer endlessly for love.
It’s not.
Life can be hard, chaotic, and cruel.
That’s why LOVE should feel warm, easy, nurturing, and safe - the OPPOSITE of the relationships Linda, Maria, and Stacy talked themselves into.
There’s a great quote from the book “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller: “You’re only as needy as your unmet needs.”
When someone feels needy, it might not be because they inherently require more than others; instead, it could be a signal that certain emotional or psychological needs are not being adequately addressed.
If your partner is too busy for you, you’re not needy. He’s not meeting your needs.
If your partner doesn’t express a physical desire for you, you’re not needy. He’s not meeting your needs.
If your partner is incapable of supporting himself financially, you’re not needy. He’s not meeting your needs.
If your partner can’t have important conversations without getting angry, shutting down, or threatening to leave, you’re not needy. He’s not meeting your needs.
If your partner doesn’t want to marry you after 2-3 years, you’re not needy. He’s not meeting your needs.
Look back at that list. Look back at the 9 bullets above that list. Notice how many of these traps you’ve fallen into. You’re a CEO who has been perpetually reluctant to fire underperforming interns. Now’s the time to start.
What I Got Wrong
In response to this chart in Are There Really No Good Looking Men?
I just wanted to point out that if that Tinder study was just talking about swiping, then that's inordinately off when it comes to attractiveness. Especially if you don't pay for "premium." There have been a lot of guys that I find really attractive but when I get into their profile, they're smokers, or use drugs or marijuana, or they're allergic to animals of some kind, and that's an automatic left swipe for me. Which is sad, because quite a few are good-looking men! I guess that's just another way I make my dating pool smaller though, lol.
I mean, I guess. But whether you find men unattractive and don’t swipe on them or find them attractive and don’t swipe on them, rejecting 95% of men before you even text them is still a striking figure - especially compared to the rate at which men swipe right on women.
On the Love U Podcast
The Value of Conflict
I often mention that good relationships should be easy. It's true. But that doesn't mean there should never be conflict. Conflict is normal between two free-thinking adults; the key to your relationship is how you resolve that conflict. In this Love U Podcast, I share a small story from my marriage that is indicative of how two people who are deeply in love can still talk past each other, even after 15 years together. I hope you see yourself in the story and can use it to bring healthier conflict resolution to your relationships.
My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week
Do guys have a different agenda when it comes to dating? 🤨
Listen to this video to hear my opinion.
You Can Also See Me On…
I’ve known Marni Battista since she before she was a dating coach, witnessed her rise and evolution from schoolteacher to powerful businesswoman, from single divorcee to happily remarried. On her Life Check Yourself podcast, we delve into what dating looks like today and how to navigate it. Why do women keep falling into the same patterns? How do you tap into your feelings?
We specifically talk about: Why you should stop focusing on landing a man, why hope springs eternal, and how to dump the scarcity thinking and operate from a place of confidence and abundance. Enjoy.
You HAVE to Check Out…
Movies - The Jagged Edge - my favorite thriller from the 80’s. Glenn Close. Jeff Bridges is a rich socialite accused of murder. Glenn Close defends him. They fall in love. Plot twists ensue. You’ll thank me later.
Books - The Plot Against America - Philip Roth - The rise of anti-Semitism has been somewhat astounding to me as a secular Jew. Well, the best secular Jewish writer of all time wrote the definitive work of fiction on the subject. In it, President Charles Lindbergh, a rabid isolationist, negotiates a cordial understanding with Hitler and the government embarks on a program of folksy anti-Semitism. Believe it or not, it’s a rollicking read - not about the Holocaust - but about the emotional pull of America First-type movements.
Substack - America’s Small Dick Joke Problem - by Mikaela Jamison - I’ve never seen another piece like this in 20 years. Hypocrisy abounds when it comes to dating and people justify behaviors they’d decry if they went in the other direction. Kudos to the author for acknowledging that if body shaming women is wrong, so is body shaming men.
The Honey Shot
Your books, your videos, and being part of your community gave me a complete change in direction in finding love.
It’s been 6 years with my man whom I adore and who is my best friend, lover, and companion for life. I often think about it was your advice that brought my man into my life but also made it work.
Focusing on his character and how he made me feel completely changed my dating life. But it was also your advice on saying yes to his suggestions. As a result, we bike and hike and I always say yes to his outdoors side. I’m fitter and happier due to your point to say yes.
I am 63 in this photograph and I am grateful to you and your input.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Jacoline
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A Honey Shot? Email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com or click the button below and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
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"compared to the rate at which men swipe right on women." -- I don't know if this is your girls exactly, but do you know if there has been discussions of how men swipe yes simply to have a pool of women to choose from? I don't know if I'm wording that right, but I noticed it when I was using apps that you might match with someone and get unmatched very quickly. I also experienced men I knew simply swiping yes to everyone so they would get notified of who said yes to them and go from there? I don't know if this is just a phenomenon I've noticed/experienced but it's a kick to the teeth for sure.
"Jagged Edge" is excellent 👌 have you seen "Sea of Love"? Gives me the same vibes but also newspaper socials are a big plot point.