Are There Really No Attractive Guys Out There?
If the opinions of women are to be believed...um...yeah.
Jeannine is 40 but she looks 30. She’d be the first to tell you that.
Her body is a temple and she is careful about what she puts in it. All organic foods. No sugar or gluten. As a personal trainer, Jeannine has a passion for health and fitness and is proud of the results she produced. She should be.
As a 51-year-old guy who gets hurt riding a Peloton, I admire women like Jeannine. She’s disciplined, energetic, and undeniably fit.
There’s only one way in which I don’t envy her.
She finds almost no one attractive.
When she dates online, Jeannine looks for men, 30-40, with chiseled abs and broad lats, who list Crossfit and triathlons as their hobbies.
Who could blame her?
But as I mentioned in a recent post, your dating pool consists of men who want to date you. Jeannine’s dating pool consists of overly muscled men who overly prefer to date 25-30-year-olds.
This isn’t her fault. Yet there’s nothing she nor I could do about it.
Before we go any further, I want to acknowledge that you may identify with Jeannine’s observation that men online are, indeed, disproportionately unattractive.
And hey, I’m not going to mansplain attractiveness. You’re entitled to your turn-ons and turn-offs. It doesn’t make you shallow. It makes you human.
But just as a vegan’s dietary restrictions make it hard to find a restaurant, women who aren’t attracted to anybody struggle to find partners.
“That’s not me,” you may think. “I’m not looking for a model. I’m not looking for abs. I’m looking for a man with his own teeth and no beer-belly!”
I’m with you. I am not asking you to go out with beer-belly guy. Swear to God.
I think we’re at an interesting moment though, and I have data to back it up.
Exhibit A: A recent Unspeakable Podcast interview between my friend Meghan Daum and Christine Emba of the Washington Post, in which Emba shares that 4 in 10 women say “no men” meet their expectations. Less than one-quarter of men say the same.
Exhibit B: According to OKCupid’s huge data set, women find 81% of men are unattractive or “below average.” That’s right: 81% of men are in the bottom 50th percentile in looks.
Exhibit C: On Tinder, which is purely looks-based, the numbers are even starker - men are open to 53% of women. Women are open to 5% of men.
To be clear: I’m not judging women. Nor am I saying they’re too picky. If anything, I’m saying this disparity is so common that it’s worthy of exploration. We can hypothesize whether these evaluations of men are fair but we can’t hypothesize whether these studies are real.
So why are men so unattractive? Or why do women THINK men are so unattractive? I asked the women in Love U - smart, successful, women, aged 35-75. You may notice a theme:
They think women are into the “dad bod” where they have bellies and these long straggly beards and think we’re going to just want to sleep with them… and it’s so unattractive. It’s sloppy.
They post pictures of them drinking beer, dogs licking their faces, dressed in camo, holding a big fish. It seems they are trying to appeal to men instead of women.
Quite a few of the men I see online in my age bracket have some combination of a big belly, long scraggly beard, long scraggly hair, a selfie taken while sitting in a recliner, and clothes that look rumpled.
Their photos are terrible. You can’t tell what they look like with facial hair, sunglasses, a hat on, fish and hunting pics, and motorcycles.
Evidently, this is every man online.
Some Love U members were more philosophical than critical.
Women take care of themselves better in general throughout our lives, and as we age, the differences in self-care between them become very apparent.
I think women care more about how others perceive them on the basis of how her man stacks up - a more attractive guy makes her feel more desired and desirable.
We are socialized from childhood to look a certain way, told how pretty we look from such a young age that it becomes internalized. Then as we get into the teen years, media makes the need to reach for perfection worse. There's no expectation that men have to take care of themselves to this degree, so they don't need to try as hard, and then when they see photos of themselves, they aren't looking with the hyper-critical eye that women do.
There are a stunning number of videos online for women focused solely on presentation, and all the details, of hair, skin, clothing, posing, surgical sculpting, etc. Plus, if men actually knew how much difference it makes, in our eyes, to wear clothes that fit and groom themselves to our liking, they might reconsider.
I agree strongly with two of the above points:
A. Men are not bought into beauty culture.
I barely look in the mirror. I comb my hair with my hands. I don’t use hair or skin products. I don’t put filters on my social media photos. I can only imagine that men who don’t post reels on Instagram care even less about their appearance than I do.
B. Men don’t know how important this is to many women.
Fashion and grooming haven’t permeated most men’s consciousness. Personally, I’ve never discussed what a guy friend is wearing, much less offered advice or referred to videos on how to improve his appearance.
So what does this all mean for you, the attractive, fit woman who is rightfully looking for a man who isn’t repellent to you?
Well, it means that multiple things can be simultaneously true.
There may be a lot of men in your area who aren’t your type. Many wear sunglasses and hats and have hobbies that are not appealing to most women. Without saying anything pejorative, the number of men who look like this will likely increase with age, a blue-collar background, and in more rural areas.
Those men - generally - aren’t my clients’ type - and that’s okay.
Attraction is not a choice. You can’t talk yourself into finding a guy hot if you think he’s not. Then again, no one’s asking you to. Certainly not me.
For two decades, I have gone online with my Love U private clients and browsed through thousands of men on dating sites. I am not in the dark about what men look like at various ages in different cities.
Still, my advice remains the same: As a high-achieving woman, you don’t need to be open to most men. Instead, you should act like a top-tier college.
Penn takes 10% of its applicants. Johns Hopkins takes 14%. Cornell takes 15%.
If you go on a dating app and find only 2 guys out of 100 are cute enough to text, you’re implying you’re 7x more selective than an Ivy League university.
In my opinion, you should be able to go online - like I do with my clients - and swipe right on at least 10% of them.
If you do, you’ll eventually find love. If you don’t, you’re gonna struggle.
Until 2010, I was a coach for men, too. Occasionally, I’d work with a cute, rich, middle-aged guy who’d only message the youngest, most attractive women.
So I ask you: if that man told you he was struggling because he couldn’t find enough attractive women, what would you tell him? Here’s my guess:
He’s overvaluing youth and beauty.
He might want to open up to older women with normal bodies.
He’s probably not a supermodel himself.
He’s been with many gorgeous women who weren’t good partners.
He might consider dating a “7” with character instead of a “9” without it.
See? You can be a dating coach, too!
Listen, I’m not blaming you for what you’re attracted to. But since I can’t get men to cut their beards, take off their sunglasses, and lose their beer bellies, I hope I can help you do one thing:
Act like an Ivy League school, accept 10% of your applicants, and choose one who can make you happy for the rest of your life. You’ve got this!
What I Got Wrong
Hoo-boy! My post on “Are We Dating the Same Guy” groups got a strong reaction:
Gisele: “Evan, you normally get it right. Not quite here though. Any woman doing online dating should be part of one of these groups. I’ve been online dating for over 10 years and I’ve seen an alarming decline. It’s not what it used to be. It’s become a very abusive and aggressive place for women. I would love to show you the Facebook group I’m part of.
Thanks to it, I have found out I’ve been speaking to several men who are married and have dozens of catfish accounts. Imagine the time, tears, and hurt this group has helped prevent - instead of me meeting these guys on dates. Women post about dangerous criminals, abusers, and cheaters - not simply unfortunate experiences.”
Helene: “These groups and the majority of information shared helps to keep women safe. It’s interesting that men don’t want them to exist. I’ve only seen one group in my area so I’ll admit, I have a limited view. The women in this group present information regarding men that women need to know to stay safe and healthy. Women looking out for other women.”
Terri: “Could not disagree more. Do I think these groups tend toward the negative and contain some toxicity? Yes. Do I think that they are harmful? Absolutely not. I have avoided many potential disasters and dangerous situations by scanning these groups.
If I can see some major red flags from a man's behavior with other women, I want to know that. I don't want to waste my precious time getting to know someone only to find out they behave like a complete douchebag in real life. There are men posted in these groups with some major issues, many that are very dangerous and many that I would NEVER want to expose my children to.
Maybe other women have more time to go on dates and figure this out, but I don't have that time, and my kids’ safety is also a priority. Men are still the number one perpetrators of abuse at all levels, including sexual assault.”
I acknowledge the validity of these points and the primacy of women’s safety. And still, there were a few women who saw my intended point.
Melissa: “Those groups are bad news. Maybe I’d think about them differently if they lived up to their ideal of “human Yelp reviews” but they aren’t exactly private, and comments often find their way back to the subject through various means. I chose to leave them to rely on old-school ways of getting to know someone: phone calls, conversations, light Googling, trusting my gut if something felt off…”
Heather: “I've been on a few of these groups and it was HORRIBLE. I grasp the concept, but women were posting about men they met online and just chatted with, asking if they belonged to anyone. Maybe don't attach quickly to a man you don't know and you'll be able to tell in his actions if he's got another woman. The negativity was unreal. I won't be back.”
Based on the feedback, I would probably back off my claim that these Facebook groups are a bad idea. They’re a well-intentioned idea with an important purpose. It seems I was more focused on what it would be like to be an innocent man in those groups, while my readers, understandably, are more focused on what it’s like to discover the man they’re seeing is an objectively bad guy.
I’m glad I asked for your feedback and thank you for helping me see things even more clearly. I’m always learning.
You Can Also See Me On…
Pretty Much Done with Julia Mazur
Julia, an ex-Tinder employee and podcaster, went viral a few weeks ago on right-wing social media for the crime of proudly declaring she’s happy to be single and make shakshuka for one. (Seriously. That’s all she said.) In the midst of that, she somehow found time to interview me.
She and I chat about why we're using dating apps the wrong way, how to slow down dating and embrace courtship, and why we shouldn't settle based on societal timelines and pressures. She’s got great energy. I hope you enjoy.
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - Winning Time: The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty - I know it’s surprising that a guy who gives love advice is wildly into sports, but, well, here we are. This might be the most 80’s series I’ve ever seen and I grew up in the 80’s. Lots of profanity, nudity, fragile male egos, and classic basketball. It may not be high art but I am enjoying every second of it.
Movies - Keeping the Faith - This rom-com from 2000 with Ben Stiller, Edward Norton, and Jenna Elfman in a Jewish/Catholic love triangle has a firm place in my heart. It’s sweet, it’s silly, it’s charming, and my kids even liked it. You will, too.
Books - The Winners - It’s just a coincidence that I have two sports-themed recommendations with “win” in the title. I happen to be in the middle of the final book of Fredrik Bachman’s Beartown trilogy. The author - most famously known for A Man Called Ove - has a way with words and emotions (but between you and me, it’s still not as good as the first two!)
Substack - The Men Who Dropped Out of the Dating Pool - by Olivia Reingold. We’ve talked about “what’s wrong with men.” This article reports that it’s as bad as you think it is - young men with little confidence, money, or hope, turning to OnlyFans and AI girlfriends for affection. I don’t expect you to date these guys, but I think it’s valuable to understand them and see their pain. Same way I’d want to make men understand what it’s like to be a woman.
The Honey Shot
We knew we were on to something when our team rivalries (Dodgers-Giants) didn’t get in the way.
Paula
Paula is a Love U Love Story whom I had the privilege of meeting during one of our live retreats. Do you have a playful pic with the one you love?
Keep sending your honey shots!!
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A screenshot of a guy’s text message? A dating profile you want to write to? A Honey Shot? Click here, comment below, or email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
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I am probably contributing to the "lack of attraction" problem, but I also wanted to add that a lot of men have zero photos of them smiling on their profiles. I usually swipe left on those profiles. A neutral or serious expression (some guys also make faces that seem like they're constipated - maybe that's the male version of duckface?) doesn't really convey warmth, friendliness, or happiness.
Using facebook at all is a terrible idea for your mental health. Just delete your account and every aspect of your life will improve.