An Ode to Marriage
Couples can change, slowly and for the better.
Note: This may be my most personal post in 20 years of writing online. Please read until the end. Thank you.
My wife has been going through a tough time. I don’t want to overshare but she’s fighting a three-front battle that’s taking an emotional toll on her:
She’s dealing with menopause.
She’s sleeping poorly, she’s been ill-tempered, and she has little energy to do the things she once loved doing: planning parties and vacations. In short, she hasn’t been herself, she knows it, and she’s struggling with it.
Our kids are growing up.
My wife quit her 16-year career when our daughter was born. After choosing “eternity leave", she became a kick-ass stay-at-home parent. Class mom. School treasurer. Center of the Calabasas mommy-verse. Now, the kids are in 5th and 7th grade and my wife’s job description has changed to “chauffeur.”
Soccer practice. Drama club. Hebrew school. Sleepovers. Birthday parties.
It’s great for the kids; it kind of sucks for her.
It’s time to change - and my wife doesn’t do change.
When I told her to take a personal growth seminar 17 years ago, my wife said, with a smile, “Evan, you do all this self-help, and yet I’m happier than you. So, please stop telling me what books I should read or what classes to take.”
Basically, she told me to shut the fuck up - and she was 100% right.
She WAS happier than I was.
Until now.
We all have made-up rules about how we live our lives.
“What would you do if you could not fail?” is one of my mottos.
My wife, on the other hand, doesn’t do failure. Because to fail, you’d have to do something different, and my wife prides herself on never changing.
She’s always been a late-night person, so she still pulls all-nighters, drops the kids off at school at 7:30 a.m., and comes home to nap for 2 hours afterward.
She’s always spent three days packing for a vacation, so she still spends three days packing for a vacation - even though she’s desperately strapped for time.
She’s always saved everything she’s ever bought and now our attic is filled with old clothes and unopened kids’ Christmas gifts from 2015.
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” is her motto, and, despite my teasing, it’s largely served her well. Everyone loves my wife - for the same reason I do.
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” is her motto, and, despite my teasing, it’s largely served her well. Everyone loves my wife - for the same reason I do.
She’s a yes person.
Do you want to be the class chaperone for the entire 7th grade?
“Sure!”
Do you want to start a monthly dinner club with our favorite couples?
“Done!”
Do you want to pour a bag of M&Ms into a three-gallon tub of popcorn and eat the entire thing while watching the entire original Star Wars trilogy?
“Yes, please!”
Being a yes person means my wife gets along with everyone - but it also means she doesn’t exercise strong boundaries.
Call it politeness. Call it FOMO. But eventually, she says yes to too much.
Eventually, she has no time for sleep or self-care.
Eventually, she resents the role she’s created for herself.
Eventually, she has to change, even though she doesn’t want to.
I’ve always been on the change train.
I read books on how to be a better businessman, books on how to be a better parent and books on how to be a better husband.
My life is a testament to my desire to get better. Aiming higher, trying harder, doing my best - these are my core values.
The predictable result - unlike my preternaturally happy wife - is a constant thrum of discontent. I’m a fixer, a problem-solver, a forever critic. I could find flaws with the Mona Lisa, the Ritz-Carlton, and the perfect sunset.
A very talented therapist once told me, “Evan, if life is a big hunk of Swiss cheese, all you do is look for the holes.”
He was right. I’m a born maximizer. If I have 95% of what I want, I’m going to figure out how to make it 96%. Someone has 96%. Why not ME?
That’s why I applied to Duke when my college counselor said I couldn’t get in.
That’s why I canceled my LSATs and moved to L.A. to be a screenwriter.
That’s why I went on 300 dates before I got married.
My deep-seated confidence that I can have it all is a mixed blessing.
On one hand, I’ve achieved more than I thought. I’ve written books, I’ve been on TV, I’ve changed others’ lives, and I’m happily married with two great kids.
On the other hand, I haven’t enjoyed it as much as I could have. My work ethic - likely absorbed from my Dad - has had some unintended side effects.
By sitting in front of my computer for 10 hours a day over 20 years, I’ve sacrificed a vital part of my happiness.
I never have lunch dates because I never leave the house.
I have a bad back and bad hips because work always comes before my body.
I have few close friends since I didn’t invest in them the way I did in my job.
I have anxiety and insomnia that accompany the ups and downs of owning a small business.
This is the result of my unrelenting desire to pursue my dreams, support my family, and live up to my potential. I never considered the alternative.
For years, I approached dating as a maximizer. I reserved my attraction for the most impressive women and passed up some wonderful people in order to get the spouse I believed I “deserved”: Ivy League. Creative. Cultured. Well-traveled. Well-read. Fascinating. Growth-oriented. Intense. Someone just like me, but better (and without my flaws!)
This is a horrible dating strategy, and I didn’t realize it until after I was already a dating coach for four years.
That’s how much failure it took to stop from overvaluing attraction, credentials, and common interests, and start valuing my own feelings
Does she accept me in full?
Does she make me feel anxious?
Does she resolve conflict easily?
Does she make me feel appreciated?
Does she bring out the best in me?
With my future wife, the answer to all of these questions was an unequivocal YES, which is why marrying her was the single best decision I ever made.
There has never been one moment that I’ve second-guessed my choice, not one moment that I thought I’d be happier with another woman.
But the reality of merging two lives into something greater is complicated.
Marriage is the ultimate in commitment and unconditional love.
It also means a tremendous amount of compromise.
Marriage allows you to be yourself and not have to worry you’ll be rejected or abandoned.
It also means that you have to be better - less selfish, less egotistical, less concerned about your ambitions, more concerned for everyone else.
Marriage makes life better - you share the thrills of your kid getting the lead in the school play, you share the frustrations of being on hold with customer service for an hour, you share the duties of folding the laundry and throwing out the garbage, you sing 80’s songs in the minivan on a family vacation, you can laugh and gossip and fuck and just BE until the end of your days.
Marriage also holds up a mirror to you like nothing else. It’s so immersive that you can’t hide. Your flaws are constantly exposed and you must sit with them, make peace with them, massage them, and deal with them. Your spouse sees all these flaws, up close, every day, and never gets to escape them.
My biggest flaw is that I’m an opinionated, critical, mansplaining, know-it-all. It’s not easy to be married to a guy who reads books about parenting and then offers unsolicited advice to a full-time mom on how to be a better mom.
My wife’s biggest flaw is that she’s opposed to change and structure. Where I seek knowledge, she buries her head. Where I’m intensely focused, she’s a multitasker who struggles to get things done due to her perfectionist ways.
We identified this when we were dating. We joke about it. We have to. It’s the only way to make peace with the fact that, perhaps, we’ll always be this way.
But the reason I’m writing this is because I don’t think we will. By being married for 15 years, I’ve discovered the virtues of being more like my wife.
I no longer try to be “right” all the time; I’m more likely to try and get along and find common ground.
I have used a gratitude journal for the past 6 years to help me focus on the many things that go right, rather than the things that go wrong.
I’m more likely to take a day off of work to take a 3-day weekend with my family than I would have ten years ago.
I demonstrate my love through my wife’s love language: “acts of service,” walking the dog and driving my son to soccer while she sleeps in.
I am a better listener because my wife has shown me the importance of validating the kids’ experience even when I don’t understand it.
This is the beauty of marriage.
It’s the glacial pace of growth when you realize that who you were as a single person does not work when you’re part of a couple.
It’s the awareness that you can’t change your partner but you can, through osmosis, pick up on the better parts of your partner’s personality.
It’s the delight of seeing yourself improve and feeling more integrated and connected to your family, your clients, and your friends.
What I didn’t realize when I started writing this piece was that the ending was different than I thought.
I thought this was about my deep, abiding love for my wife - who, for whatever reason, was highly resistant to growth and change.
I thought this would be an ode to acceptance and tolerance, which are the foundations of a happy marriage.
I thought I’d share this and make her smile like I did on our 10th anniversary.
I was wrong.
In writing this, I realized I’ve spent far more time in my marriage focusing on my wife’s refusal to become hyper-efficient and growth-oriented, and never acknowledged how much she HAS changed.
My wife never wanted to wake up early. She’s now woken up at 7 a.m. for a decade to drive both kids to school.
My wife never wanted to seek help. She has now started therapy for the first time and seeks out different doctors to address her changing body.
My wife never wanted to talk about politics. Now she listens to The Daily and we have far more interesting conversations than ever before.
My wife never wanted to be the boss. She volunteered as school treasurer and ran the place like Janet Yellen runs our economy.
My wife never wanted to deal with conflict. Now, she stands her ground and speaks her mind - with her friends, her family, and, of course, me.
While I’ve noticed how I’ve adopted my wife’s people skills, I’ve never celebrated how she’s taken on some of my core characteristics, too.
It’s a valuable lesson that cuts to the heart of marriage.
Rule #1: Find a partner who accepts you and doesn’t try to change you.
Rule #2: You can’t change your partner so accept him despite his flaws.
Rule #3: You’ll grow old grumbling about each others’ flaws and that’s okay.
What I didn’t consider until today is that couples ARE always changing, slowly, imperceptibly, over time, simply by the act of building a life together.
I’ve become more like my wife. She’s become more like me. After 15 years, we’ve never understood each other or appreciated each other more. To me, that’s something worth sharing with the world.
Happy anniversary, honey. I’m so proud of you - the person I married, the person you are now, and the person you’re becoming.
Love,
Evan
If you enjoyed this post, please share it with a friend. Thank you.
What I Got Wrong
I received this comment on YouTube in reference to last week’s post, “I HATE Being Single and Just Want to Find My Person.”
Evan, I hope you don't mind if I share a little realism and outlook here for free...A good majority of us ladies of all ages are dealing with what your video speaks about. Here are the realities: It is NOT getting better out there.
Hurt people are hurting people and frankly, there is no pool of men on any dating app that would be part of 10% to even screen.
With that out of the way: build your confidence, hold tight to your standards, never abandon your boundaries, and stick with whom you are attracted to BUT realize that 5% still may not be at your level.
Fill other areas of your life with friends, travel, money, and pets. Sorry, but the reality is, you need to create your Plan A of a life that may not include the love of your life, BUT always make time for plan B that may be a beautiful pivot to your life.
Decenter men. The majority (95%) simply are proving there is no incentive to be in a relationship with.
You are worth more than settling. Good luck, girl. Build your Plan A life!!!!
Barbara
I think there's some overlap between my message and Barbara’s message, except my outlook is glass half-full and her outlook is glass half-empty.
In other words, I won't argue with her valid feelings about dating or men.
I will only point out that when you put all your effort into Plan A life (being alone), you may not put enough effort into your Plan A+ life (being happily married).
My coaching in Love U centers on dating as a skill set and practice.
Telling women to “decenter men” when they want to find love is like telling overweight women to “decenter getting healthy” when they want to get fit.
Acceptance is a nice message if you want to live your backup plan; it’s not useful if you want to aim for a deep, lasting love.
You Can Also See Me On…
I had a nice conversation with Ashlynn Mitchell that is well worth your time. The title is “Why You Are Not Attracting The Wrong Men, You’re Accepting The Wrong Men,'“ but we go much deeper on the travails of dating post-divorce in midlife. Hope you enjoy it.
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - The U.S. and the Holocaust - Ken Burns - Burns likely produced this to illustrate how America was turning its back on Latino immigrants the way we turned our back on Jewish immigrants in the 1930s and 1940s. Where this 6-hour documentary packs extra power, of course, is the rise of anti-Semitism in a way we haven’t seen since the Holocaust.
Movies - Miss Americana - I wouldn’t call myself a Swiftie but I like Taylor’s music and admire her work ethic. While I saw this for the first time during the pandemic, it was cool to watch it with my kids so they could see the cost of fame, greatness, and being a woman in an often misogynistic world.
Podcast - The Weekly Dishcast - David Brooks on Transcending Hate and Loneliness - Brooks, a New York Times op-ed columnist, has a new book called “How To Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Deeply Being Seen.” Do you want to get better at dating? Listen to this. (Note, this is just the first 45 minutes - the second half is behind a Substack paywall)
Substack - “Identity Politics Meets College Politics With Predictably Stupid, Immoral Results” by Josh Barro - This article is the apex of what’s gone wrong with a subset of people who think they can’t be criticized because of their identity. There ARE lots of awful straight white men who have a disproportionate amount of power, but they’re not ALWAYS the bad guys, as this story powerfully illustrates.
The Honey Shot
Victoria is from one of the first graduating classes of Love U and she’s the straight-talking den mother of our private Love U Facebook group. Like me, she writes long, compassionate posts that challenge women to consider things from a man’s perspective in addition to her own perspective. That’s why she’s in an incredible long-term relationship at age 70.
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A screenshot of a guy’s text message? A Honey Shot? Email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com or click the button below and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
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Happy anniversary Evan and wife. I’m an RN and so empathize with your wife’s journey especially how I was more grumpy with my kiddos and lack of sleep too. Estradiol patches (hrt) were a life saver for me when I entered menopause as well as 500 mg of magnesium glycinate at night helped greatly with insomnia. I’m sending both of you good thoughts and thanks for always sharing with this community what a great marriage can look like. You’ve always walked the talk! 💕
Happy Anniversary! ❤️