Do You Think Being Married Is Worse Than Being Single?
Of course. That's what happens when you've had a bad marriage.
Jen is a typical Love U client.
Bright, hardworking, loyal, Type A, anxious attachment style - Jen stayed with her husband for 27 years, despite many years of being unhappy.
We could delve into all of her ex’s flaws but we don’t have enough time.
Suffice it to say that Jen married a cute, charismatic, financially successful narcissist who slowly sucked the life out of her.
She couldn’t speak up or she’d be berated or gaslighted.
She couldn’t reason with him because he only cared about himself.
She couldn’t leave because she was afraid of destabilizing her children’s lives.
In her mid-50s, Jen finally got the courage to extricate herself from her marriage. She had the confidence of knowing her job as a mom was mostly done and that she had enough money to support herself without having to depend on her ex. And while it was scary to be alone after 27 years, Jen felt an enormous weight lifted.
Now that she was no longer walking on eggshells to keep the peace at home, she filled her life with things she loved. Ballroom dancing. Pickleball. International travel to places she never would have gone with her family.
Jen is far happier as a divorced woman than she was as a married woman.
Healthy relationships with her kids. Stable income from her career. Breathing easily now that she’s no longer with a narcissist. Come to think of it, Jen can’t remember a time in her adult life where she’s ever felt this free and content.
And yet… something is missing.
Although it’s nice to fill up her schedule with activities and people she loves, it’s a lot of work keeping busy as a single woman. While she has lots of fun, there’s no one taking care of her in the quiet moments. No one to lean on. No one to share with. No one to witness her life on a day-to-day basis.
Her grown children don’t need her like they used to. Work is fine but she doesn’t want to work 55 hours a week into her 60s. Even though she’s FAR better off than she was when she was married, Jen’s feeling a little lonely.
Even though she’s FAR better off than she was when she was married, Jen’s feeling a little lonely.
She looks at happily married couples with envy.
Why do they have someone to love them unconditionally?
Why do they get to have someone looking out for them?
Why do they get to live out their golden years sharing a life with a partner?
Just when Jen was ready to launch an online profile, she paused, afraid.
Dating involves rejection.
Dating involves trial and error.
Dating involves vulnerability.
Dating involves effort.
If you fail in dating and go out with dozens of disappointing men, it feels like death by 1000 cuts.
If you succeed in dating, your reward may be another narcissist who makes you feel bad about yourself.
It’s THAT logic that keeps far too many women single.
Between being alone and dating, you choose being alone, because nobody can hurt you if you’re alone. Then again, no one can love you either.
Between being alone and dating, you choose being alone, because nobody can hurt you if you’re alone. Then again, no one can love you either.
As you may have heard me say before, there are 4 states of being:
Happily Single, Unhappily Single, Happily Coupled, and Unhappily Coupled.
If we were to rank them, from worst to best, I would conclude:
Worst: Unhappily Single/Unhappily Coupled
Middle: Happily Single
Best: Happily Coupled
Pretty much all of us would rather share a fun, passionate, safe, stable, long-term relationship than be alone with our work, friends, and hobbies.
There’s nothing controversial about this idea until you start to see how we don’t live our lives according to this calculus. To wit:
If Happily Coupled is better than Happily Single, why do you try to convince yourself that you’re actually happier alone?
If you’ve ever told yourself the lie that you’d rather be alone, what you’re REALLY stating is that you’d rather be Happily Single than Unhappily Coupled.
What you haven’t done is consider the third choice: Happily Coupled!
Interesting, isn’t it?
Basically, if you have experienced nothing but failure in the realm of dating and relationships, your mind takes a shortcut: in order to avoid the pain of getting heartbroken, you don’t even consider the reality that you can create an easy, joyous relationship.
You create a false dichotomy between being alone and getting devastated when the third choice – Happily Coupled - is the most desirable outcome.
In other words, you live your entire life in fear of the worst-case scenario, and therefore, handicap your ability to achieve the best-case scenario.
Can you feel that?
It’s the feeling of knowing your bad experiences with men have such power that you don’t even believe it’s possible to have a joyous relationship.
It is possible.
I see it every day in my own marriage. I see it every week with my clients. I share it with you in my Honey Shots and Love U Love Stories. And I hope you can see the value of letting go of your past to create an exciting new future.
What I Got Wrong
Thank you for the opportunity to follow your newsletter. I have unsubscribed because I am finding I don’t have time to keep up with all the posts - and also I’m not sure I’m quite ready to even consider “looking” for someone new yet. As well, it seems that your advice is for people who consider sex to be part of the dating process and not something reserved for marriage which is the worldview I’m coming from, so it seems that I may not get much more from it. Your articles seem well thought out and reasoned, and despite the above, I have enjoyed reading them. I hope that you get 10 paid subscribers for every free unsubscribe and that all goes well for you in the future.
Kind regards, Rose
This was the nicest unsubscribe email ever, wasn’t it?
I didn’t try to convince Rose to stay but I will say this about her note - one should never throw out the baby with the bathwater.
Rose and I may disagree about sex - which is fair. Reasonable people can agree to disagree. The problem is thinking that if you disagree about something, you can no longer benefit from your relationship. So if you’re reading Lovesplaining and are genuinely too busy to benefit from it, feel free to unsubscribe, but PLEASE don’t unsubscribe because we have different points of view. Of course, we do. We’re human beings.
You Can Also See Me On…
Dateable with Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick
I was honored to meet with the talented duo Julie Krafchick and Yue Xu on their podcast, Dateable. Like me, they’re amateur sociologists with lots of experience and compassion and I had a lot of fun talking shop with them. Some of their old episodes are a hoot, including ones on sex parties and getting married in the Metaverse.
Together, we explore why it’s hard to find good people, online and off. We discuss the biggest mistakes people make when looking for love, why you don't actually attract the wrong guys, and how to get out of the "there's nobody good out there" mindset.
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - Girl Daddy - Beth Stelling - I’m a stand-up comedy geek and I’m raising my kids to appreciate this fine art form as well. With an hour to kill while I was quarantining myself from Round 2 of COVID, I happened upon this special from 2020. Stelling is a droll storyteller and sly feminist. I’m looking forward to catching her new special on Netflix this week.
Movies - Bardo - Have I mentioned I have a lot of time since I can’t be near my family? That’s when I get to catch up on Oscar-nominated movies that my wife won’t watch with me. And while I generally prefer my stories told linearly (I don’t like recent Christopher Nolan movies, for example), I’ll buy whatever Innaritu is selling. What can I say? I’m a dating coach with the soul of an artist. Babel. Birdman. Bardo. Yes, please, more.
Substack - Guys, It’s Not Our Fault We Won’t Date You - Danielle Crittenden - a full-throated rebuke to the “give guys a break” content that she and I often write. As the mother of grown daughters, Danielle sees what you see: there are a LOT of men who are truly not worthy of your time. My tip: don’t get mad that 90% of men aren’t your guy; focus your energies on the 10%.
The Honey Shot
I was already dressed for a big night on the town for his birthday. He had just arrived at the hotel and so overcome (he said) by how beautiful I looked.
Julie H.
Julie is from the original Love U class of 2015 and is one of the best advocates for the principles of our program. A successful single mother - and children’s book writing coach - Julie is a living example of how you can change your choice of men and change your whole life.
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A screenshot of a guy’s text? A Honey Shot? Email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com or click the button below and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
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Thank you.
Just divorced a year and I am second guessing my choice. It can be very lonely being single. Like feeling soulless.