Do Men Just Want a Mommy?

Maybe. Then again, most women want paternal love, too.

I recently returned from my 30th college reunion. On the plane back to Los Angeles, I found myself seated next to a classmate who I vaguely knew. Naturally, we talked for six straight hours - about mutual friends, living in Los Angeles, and, of course, love. My new friend has also been married for 15 years and we both relished telling stories from our previous relationships.

This successful, attractive, 51-year-old told me about an ex-boyfriend who ended things after three years with this gem of a line:

“I want someone who will wash my underwear and make me PB&J. And that’s just not you.”

My new friend in Seat 29B laughed out loud. She knew how absurd this made her ex sound. Sure enough, she acknowledged she was NOT the woman who would wash his underwear or make him PB&J, and they agreed to part ways amicably. To this day, she holds no animosity towards him and has told this story a bunch of times because it always gets a laugh.

As a dating coach, I was completely knocked sideways by this anecdote. And I admit, it’s easy to spin it in the worst possible way: thirtysomething man-child wants a 1950s housewife to cater to his every whim. But here’s the subtext that I picked up that my friend did not. This man - however awkwardly he expressed his desires - stated that he’d like to feel a sense of maternal love from his partner.

Here’s the ChatGPT definition of maternal love:

Maternal love could refer to the nurturing, supportive, and protective feelings that someone, whether it be a mother figure or any caring individual, may have towards a man. It encompasses qualities like understanding, empathy, and unconditional support, often mirroring the tender care a mother provides. This kind of love can foster emotional well-being, growth, and a sense of security in a man's life, irrespective of whether it comes from a biological mother, adoptive mother, or any other nurturing figure.

Now, you may still scoff at how needy and retro that sounds. But let me ask you this: Wouldn’t you like to have a man take care of you the way you wished your father did? Consider what it’s like to have a partner who:

• Always tells you you’re beautiful.

• Always sees you as your best self.

• Always believes in you.

• Always listens to you and validates your feelings.

• Always prioritizes you and puts your needs first.

• Always takes care of you, emotionally, financially, and physically.

This is what I do for my wife. This is what I implore women to expect from their partners. If you’ve ever listened to my podcast or been to my website, you’ve heard me say, “find a man who makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.” Isn’t that the most paternal thing in the world?

If you agree, perhaps you can see the PB&J guy’s point. It’s not that he wants a woman who ONLY does his laundry. It’s not that he devalues her intelligence, ambition, wit, and creativity. It’s that, in addition to those things, he thinks it would be nice if she occasionally took care of him, too.

Maybe that’s hard to swallow. Maybe you bristle at the idea of anything vaguely resembling gender roles. Maybe you don’t think anyone should have to take care of anyone and you can both put all your energy into your careers and hobbies and hope that everything works out.

I don’t think it does. In fact, I think that’s where relationships go wrong. Couples stop taking care of each other. They get focused on the material caretaking - home, cars, vacations - and let the emotional caretaking slip.

Have you ever been in a relationship with a smart and successful man…but you never felt emotionally supported by him?

Have you ever been in a relationship with a man who was emotionally supportive but was a drain on you financially?

Can you now see how important it is to have a man who can do BOTH? How it’s not mutually exclusive for a man to be both successful AND nurturing?

If that’s the case, then it’s not mutually exclusive for a high-achieving woman to also be a nurturer. And when a guy says he’d like you to make him a PB&J, it’s not because he can’t make it himself, but because it makes him feel good. How is that any different than you being able to afford dinner while appreciating that it feels good to have a man reach for the check?

In a healthy relationship, BOTH parties should get their needs met.

So, ask yourself, would you like a man to take care of you in all the paternal ways I mentioned…without doing any maternal things in return?

And is it possible that you can make a small effort to take care of him without losing yourself, the same way a successful man can also be a better listener to make you feel safe, heard, and understood?

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

What I Got Wrong 

Last week, I shared a story that had the effect I expected. In that story, I went out to a platonic dinner with another woman while I was dating my wife because I felt it was important for me to be trusted. Pretty much everyone disagreed and felt that it was more important for my girlfriend to feel safe.

Love you and everything you are about. And I rarely disagree with you. Gotta speak up here. I agree with full trust or no trust. That said…. I think this is an area where one could show some grace. It’s about reasonableness of the request. Your then girlfriend was not expecting you to do ANYTHING that she asked without question. (You would have broken up with her if that was the case). She asked you to do this one, very reasonable thing. You had literally no skin in the game. A two hour dinner with a woman you would likely never see again? No skin. You went to the dinner on principle alone. To prove a point. To show your girlfriend that she HAD to have complete trust, even though she was wounded from her past. And it was totally up to her to sit home and deal with her anxiety and fears (however unjustified). It would have been a gesture of love, compassion and empathy for you to have just stayed home that night. That gesture would have been healing for her.

Lisa

Lu echoes this same point:

The one point I would like to make though is the following: if a man is sure that he will never see this female friend again after their dinner (to the point of voicing it), is this dinner worth upsetting his girlfriend in a particularly sensitive issue for her? Just for the record, I find this idea that love should mean a man doing everything a woman wants ridiculous and incompatible with a healthy relationship. So I am not saying that the girlfriend in a situation like that should be "obeyed". What I am thinking is: was this dinner worth the discussion and this girlfriend's pain? Or was this dinner some kind of "test" the boyfriend was subconsciously putting his girlfriend through, and which she passed with honors?

Quinn also worries about the concept of “full trust.”

I dunno. I trusted my husband absolutely. He had tons of female friends and he regularly went out for drinks, dinners, day trips with them. I never asked to come along because they were his close friends and not mine. I loved the fact that he was so able to relate to women. And, like I said, I trusted him absolutely. I knew he would never cheat on me.

But, of course, you see where this is going. Ultimately, I found out that my husband was romancing all of his female “friends” and sleeping with quite a few of them. He told them all that we had an open relationship. They believed him, because it’s, um, unusual for a wife to be completely okay with her husband’s close female friends.

And I felt like the biggest idiot in the world.

Quinn

As always, I’m proud of this community - both for giving me the benefit of the doubt AND for speaking your mind when you disagree.

Link That Made Me Think

The Case for Marrying an Older Man by Grazie Sophie Christie

This one is worthy of your attention because the author is a Harvard-educated woman who married a successful man ten years older. She is aware of her privilege and the trade-offs she made in choosing a supporting role instead of a career in her 20s. And yet, if you can get past the basic hatred/jealousy of listening to a rich, young woman give relationship advice, she has some compelling points - especially for young women who can’t find mature, financially stable men and may want to raise their maximum age range. If that feels bad, never fear: 77.5% of women are married to men 1-9 years older and only 7.6% are with men who are 10+ years older. Whew!

Finally, while looking for cute men ten years younger is fun, it rarely results in a successful pairing. Only 14.8% of women are married to younger men.

On the Love U Podcast

Why Married Men Are a Hell No!
I know it should seem obvious but the fact that I recorded a podcast about it means that plenty of women still find married men alluring. In this episode, we'll talk about why married men are often more romantic than single men AND 4 reasons why it absolutely doesn't matter and you should run far, far away from any married guy who shows interest in you.

My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week

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You Can Also See Me On…

What NOT to Do with Tristan Noel LeClair (what a name!) offers sex, love, dating, and divorce advice from a total romantic failure. On this fun episode, we talk about how to properly use online dating platforms (your profile probably needs a reboot), how to lower your expectations without lowering your standards, and why you need to get clear on what it is you are looking for in a partner before swiping left on anyone! Whether you're new to online dating or a seasoned veteran trying to keep your hope alive that your person IS out there, this is an episode you can't afford to miss!

You HAVE to Check Out…

TV - The Goldbergs - If you missed this during its decade on ABC, it’s funny, heartfelt, and particularly resonant if you’re a child of the 80s like me. If I wrote a sitcom about my childhood, it would look a lot like this.

Movies - Fast Times at Ridgemont High - Amy Heckerling’s first feature film (before Johnny Dangerously, before European Vacation, before Clueless) is not particularly funny but is a fascinating snapshot in time. It was awkward to watch such overt teenage sexuality with our kids but, well, better they learn from us than from their friends.

Books - Slow Productivity: The Lost Art of Accomplishment Without Burnout - by Cal Newport - Are you burned out by too much time on the computer, too many Zoom meetings, too much task management, and Slack? This book will save your life.

Substack - Why Everything is Becoming a Game - Gurwinder writes long, thoughtful, philosophical posts. This one is about the gamification of society, which has serious implications for dating. Courtship is replaced by dating apps. Everyone complains. Everyone suffers. Nobody does anything different.

The Honey Shot

Look what happened! Valentino and I are getting married on December 11th in Switzerland. Our families and friends will be there. Thanks again for everything! Taking your group class was the best $ I ever spent!!

Sincerely,

Patience A

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