I love this post -- really thought provoking. Framing it as all about the way you compromise makes so much sense. It takes the pressure off having to find someone who fits into some narrow definition of compatibility. This is one I'll come back to.
Omg. I find this post kind of depressing. I am always the one with the higher sex drive. I am like you, up early, walking the dog, hitting the gym, trying to kill time until my partner (when I have one) wakes up and is ready to do something. I was kind of looking forward to finally finding a relationship this time where the man has a higher sex drive than I do, where the man wants to do even more than I do. Seriously, I enjoy that. My last boyfriend used to help me with my nutrition goals, only after I asked him to, of course, and I loved it!! I would reach for the chips and he would grab the bag, hand me a few, then put the rest away and not let me get them. I loved that!! Maybe I am a bit masochistic, but I like to be challenged by my man, driven a little bit out of my comfort zone (towards achieving more, not towards sitting on the couch watching movies more). I loved it when my husband (at the time) introduced me to backpacking. It was scary, challenging, and fun. I hated it at first but then I fell in love with it and even more with him and it changed my life. I dream of finding a man who is “more” than I am. Not to the extreme, like I do not want a narcissist or someone who Is unfaithful or a workaholic but just a little bit more than I am, so I can be challenged. Surely someone like that must exist? I get bored and resentful when I always have to be the one initiating things. And I also don’t like the feeling that my partner thinks the way I am is a pain in the butt. I have tried the thing where I go do all the stuff by myself because my partner is more of an introvert. I had a boyfriend like that. I was not happy. My way of thinking is why do I even have a partner then, if they are not with me? I don’t want someone waiting for me at home. I want them out with me. And as far as sex goes, that doesn’t even translate. If I love to play tennis often, but my man only plays occasionally, it is perfectly acceptable for me to join a tennis club and find other tennis partners. Not so with sex. What then? There will always be this tension between us. I am tired of dimming myself and my sex drive down. And tbh, I don’t think I’ve ever in my life come across a man who wanted sex “too much.” I am confused when I hear women describe men like that. When I come across a man with a high sex drive, I think I hit the jackpot, and I am in heaven. Then I worry if he’ll stay that way, because inevitably it ebbs and flows just like anything else.
You said the flip side is my partner will think I’m a pain, but that is not a good feeling either. Why can’t I find someone who appreciates and enjoys me for the way that I am? And the lower activity / introverted types can have each other? Most of the time, I think I’d really love to have a partner, but if I have to be tied to someone who I constantly feel like I have to coax to do anything, or when I find something I am really excited for us to do then I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to present it to them in a way that they would find palatable, or negotiate some compromise just so I can get them to do it with me, then I would rather just stay single and free (and active!), I guess. Life is too short to be tied to someone who to me is a buzz kill and who thinks I’m a hyper pain in the a$$.
Hey Michelle, Evan is the pro. However, as one dude out there, I can say that the qualities you are describing are actually things I would find very attractive. Chances are high I'm not the only guy who feels the same. Good luck out there!
I love this post -- really thought provoking. Framing it as all about the way you compromise makes so much sense. It takes the pressure off having to find someone who fits into some narrow definition of compatibility. This is one I'll come back to.
Omg. I find this post kind of depressing. I am always the one with the higher sex drive. I am like you, up early, walking the dog, hitting the gym, trying to kill time until my partner (when I have one) wakes up and is ready to do something. I was kind of looking forward to finally finding a relationship this time where the man has a higher sex drive than I do, where the man wants to do even more than I do. Seriously, I enjoy that. My last boyfriend used to help me with my nutrition goals, only after I asked him to, of course, and I loved it!! I would reach for the chips and he would grab the bag, hand me a few, then put the rest away and not let me get them. I loved that!! Maybe I am a bit masochistic, but I like to be challenged by my man, driven a little bit out of my comfort zone (towards achieving more, not towards sitting on the couch watching movies more). I loved it when my husband (at the time) introduced me to backpacking. It was scary, challenging, and fun. I hated it at first but then I fell in love with it and even more with him and it changed my life. I dream of finding a man who is “more” than I am. Not to the extreme, like I do not want a narcissist or someone who Is unfaithful or a workaholic but just a little bit more than I am, so I can be challenged. Surely someone like that must exist? I get bored and resentful when I always have to be the one initiating things. And I also don’t like the feeling that my partner thinks the way I am is a pain in the butt. I have tried the thing where I go do all the stuff by myself because my partner is more of an introvert. I had a boyfriend like that. I was not happy. My way of thinking is why do I even have a partner then, if they are not with me? I don’t want someone waiting for me at home. I want them out with me. And as far as sex goes, that doesn’t even translate. If I love to play tennis often, but my man only plays occasionally, it is perfectly acceptable for me to join a tennis club and find other tennis partners. Not so with sex. What then? There will always be this tension between us. I am tired of dimming myself and my sex drive down. And tbh, I don’t think I’ve ever in my life come across a man who wanted sex “too much.” I am confused when I hear women describe men like that. When I come across a man with a high sex drive, I think I hit the jackpot, and I am in heaven. Then I worry if he’ll stay that way, because inevitably it ebbs and flows just like anything else.
You said the flip side is my partner will think I’m a pain, but that is not a good feeling either. Why can’t I find someone who appreciates and enjoys me for the way that I am? And the lower activity / introverted types can have each other? Most of the time, I think I’d really love to have a partner, but if I have to be tied to someone who I constantly feel like I have to coax to do anything, or when I find something I am really excited for us to do then I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to present it to them in a way that they would find palatable, or negotiate some compromise just so I can get them to do it with me, then I would rather just stay single and free (and active!), I guess. Life is too short to be tied to someone who to me is a buzz kill and who thinks I’m a hyper pain in the a$$.
Sounds like another conversation on Tuesday night, Michelle. :)
Thanks! I appreciate your patience with me :)
Hey Michelle, Evan is the pro. However, as one dude out there, I can say that the qualities you are describing are actually things I would find very attractive. Chances are high I'm not the only guy who feels the same. Good luck out there!