How Much Sex Is Enough Sex?
Less than you think.
Every time I hear a couple talk about their sex life, I think of this scene:
What it so deftly illustrates is that what one considers a satisfying sex life is a matter of perspective.
While people have been debating the proper quantity of sex forever, I felt compelled to write about it because of this article in the New York Times:
She Wrote a Best Seller on Women’s Sex Lives. Then Her Own Fell Apart.
It’s about sex educator Emily Nagoski’s new book on maintaining intimacy in long-term relationships - and her failure to live up to her advice.
She and her husband, Rich Stevens — a cartoonist whom she met on the dating site OkCupid in 2011 — were cycling in and out of monthslong sexual dry spells stemming from work stress and health problems. When I spoke to Nagoski at her cozy house in Easthampton, Mass., in the fall, and then again over the phone in January, she declined to offer specifics on just how long their droughts lasted. (She did not want people to compare themselves.) But she did not hold back about how they made her feel.
“Stressed. Depressed. Anxious. Lonely. Self-critical,” Nagoski, 46, said. “Like, how can I be an ‘expert’ — and I say that with heavy, heavy air quotes — and still be struggling in this way?”
You may experience some schadenfreude at Nagoski’s struggles. Who doesn’t like to see an “expert” humbled and brought down to earth with the rest of us? I even had that initial reaction based on my preconception that, as a sexpert, she’d sanctimoniously make the rest of us feel inadequate.
Then I read the article - and my feelings changed. I sympathized with Nagoski because, I, too, am an expert who was surprised to learn how upset people get when you tell the truth about “normal” relationships. Examples include:
Men telling me I was a sell-out for validating the experiences and fears of women.
Women telling me I was a misogynist who wanted women to return to 1950s era-femininity.
Those critics are so far off-base that I never paid any attention to them. The ones who truly got under my skin were those who passed judgment on my relationship with my wife. Not because they knew what they were talking about, but because I’m a semi-public person whose reputation rests on not just giving good advice but living that same advice.
This is why I felt for Nagoski, the sex educator, who tells people how to have better sex lives but struggles to maintain a healthy sex life herself.
Before writing this, I Googled: “How many times per week do couples have sex on average by age or duration of relationship?” What came back to me were these articles on Page 1:
How much sex should couples have? - USA Today
How often couples should have sex. - Business Insider
How often should couples have sex? - Medical News Today
You see the problem? They all say the word SHOULD.
That’s like saying “How much money SHOULD you make?” “How many Christmas gifts SHOULD you give?” or “How many friends SHOULD you have?” The answer is so subjective and context-based that SHOULD is the absolute wrong word to use when it comes to sex.
A better question would be: how often DO couples have sex? Google’s Artificial Intelligence led with this:
According to Quora, a common baseline for couples is once a week. However, the frequency of sex depends on age and relationship duration:
18–29 years old: Have sex 112 times per year, or twice a week
30–39 years old: Have sex about 86 times per year, or 1.6 times per week
40–49 years old: Have sex about 69 times per year
45 years old: Have sex about 60 times per year, or just over once a week
65 years old: Have sex around 20 times per year, or less than one time every two weeks
I can’t vouch for the accuracy of this but if true, it does not surprise me
The first two years my wife and I were together, we would have sex pretty much every time we saw each other, which was 2-3 times per week.
Once we moved in together, the excitement and newness dissipated, and we got into a weekend routine, generally forgoing sex during the week.
Once our kids arrived, our respective libidos went down, as did our time and energy, and we turned into a once-a-week couple. Not only have we stayed that way for the past 13 years but we are both satisfied with the results.
At some point, I’ll admit, I was worried we were doing something wrong, that our spark was gone, that other couples surpassed us. I remember one of my wife’s friends sharing that her husband wanted it EVERY NIGHT after 20 years of marriage and that she was exhausted but did it anyway.
I remember asking guy friends casually about their love lives. After making fun of me and my wife for “scheduling” sex on Friday nights, they admitted they were having far less sex than we were.
Why? Because they were waiting for the spark, the passion, the FEELING to ignite them into a night of passionate lovemaking. The problem was that life had gotten too busy. Waking up early to drive to school, working a full day, and answering emails at night after the kids go to bed. Planning weekends around sports and big Saturday night couples meals where you feel bloated don’t get home until 11pm. These couples were having sex about once a month as opposed to once a week.
Suddenly I didn’t feel so bad about myself as the relationship expert with the low libido. This is the conclusion that Nagoski drew as well.
Most of us are too fixated on libido — or on wanting to want to have sex — she said, which has caused a lot of unnecessary stress and insecurity. “Desire is the No. 1 reason people of all gender combinations seek sex therapy,” she said. “Even I need to be reminded that it’s not about desire. It’s about pleasure.”
It’s a somewhat surprising take from someone who has spent a lot of the past decade helping women better understand how desire actually works, banging the drum about the difference between spontaneous desire (the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue) and responsive desire (which arises in response to erotic stimuli). In other words, there’s nothing unsexy about planning or scheduling sex.
I don’t think I’m exceptional. I hope I’m effective at my work because I’m a normal person who can speak to what is “normal” to expect from men.
The problem with this libido conversation is that we ALL want to be above average…and yet everyone can’t be above average. Half of the population is going to fall on the left side of the bell curve - whether that’s in height, intelligence, looks, income, sense of humor, musical talent, or libido.
Which is to say that if you’re below average in something, that is normal. High-achieving people, take note!
If you’re below average in something, that is normal. High-achieving people, take note!
I’ll leave you with one more citation to normalize the declining libido that often comes with age, familiarity, and life circumstances:
A 2015 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science journal found couples are happiest when they have sex about once a week.
Their happiness with the relationship decreased when couples had sex less frequently than that, but it didn't increase if they had sex more than that.
Thus, there’s nothing wrong with you if you have a lower sex drive - as long as both you and your partner are content with your love life.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
What I Got Wrong
Per my post, 8 Reasons Men Have Given Up on Courtship:
If you honestly think that men picking up the check benefits women, and you don’t know women as well as I thought. What we spend just to show up – manicure, pedicure, makeup, a blowout, etc. – far exceeds covering a drink or two, and possibly even a full dinner.
And if you want to say that we choose all of that, and that men prefer a natural look, I promise you that’s not who they choose. I’m 54, and I’ve had male friends and clients show me pictures of beautiful, “natural” women, they’re dating or interested in, and there is so much obvious filler (and Botox, but that’s pretty much just a given at this point ), it’s all I can do not to tell them. Even for younger women, it’s a joke amongst women how much effort and expense goes into achieving the “natural look”. So, I’m sorry, but not even that one thing works out in our favor.
Frankly, going into 2024, none of the single women I know even expect courtship. In my age group, we’re just thrilled if they’re single, literate non-smokers. Courtship 😂.
Thanks. However, I already addressed the first claim in my original post:
“I’ve heard arguments from women that it’s more expensive to be a woman - as if you have to buy a new outfit AND get your nails, lashes, and hair done each time you meet a new guy. Sorry, but you don’t.”
As far as the second claim goes, no one is suggesting that looks don’t matter. What I am claiming is that if you keep your standards high - instead of swiping, texting, and meeting strangers for coffee - you can still get courted by men. Happens all the time. At least that’s what my Love U clients tell me.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and…
Link That Made Me Think
My Relationships Have No Clothes - by Kate Bailey
The New York Times Modern Love column has been responsible for some amazing first-person essays. This one had me yelling at my computer screen.
The author is carrying on a long part-time affair with a married father. Not only does she seem oblivious to the fact that she's a potential homewrecker but while complaining her married guy he doesn’t make a great enough effort to be emotionally available. The lack of awareness in this piece is staggering, and that’s why it’s worth a read.
On the Love U Podcast
Avoid the Overcorrection
If you were in a relationship without passion, you'll look for passion with your next partner. If you were with a financially unstable man, it makes sense to seek a man who is much wealthier. But sometimes, when you're trying to correct a problem, you end up OVERCORRECTING. And when you swing too far in the other direction in reaction to your last relationship, you just end up making a different set of mistakes. Listen closely to avoid overcorrecting in the future.
My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week
Are you nervous about your first date? Do you have a lot of questions? Do you wonder if you're compatible, if you have the same values, if you want the same things? Well, here's some advice: relax and enjoy the moment.
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - Killing It - My wife and I needed a half-hour comedy to cleanse our palate from all the bad news in the world and this Craig Robinson vehicle doesn’t disappoint. I’m only one episode in but I laughed out loud multiple times at this story of a working-class guy who finally makes it big. I can’t say the same thing for The Bear.
Movies - The Holdovers - Alexander Payne is a fellow UCLA Film School alum - except he is the writer/director behind Election, About Schmidt, and Sideways, while I’m writing about him here. His latest, starring Paul Giamatti, is a low-stakes tale of a curmudgeonly teacher tasked with watching students who are stuck at boarding school over Christmas break. There were many movies like this once upon a time. I wish there were more.
Books - Born Round - by Frank Bruni - Bruni made his name at the New York Times and is probably most famous for being an op-ed columnist. Before that, he was an overfed gay Italian kid who became the NYT food critic. When I saw him speak at Duke last fall, I had him sign my copy of his memoir. Bruni’s a good man and he writes beautiful sentences about food and family.
Substack - Gerrymandering Power - by Trembling Mad - I remain frustrated at the lack of nuance in some of the Israel/Gaza discourse. This Substacker does a great job putting things in perspective - that simultaneously, Israel has more power than Palestine and less power than all of its Arab neighbors, and that a fair framing of this discussion has to acknowledge both of these truths.
The Honey Shot
Before joining Love U, I was feeling lost, confused, and anxious after many “one and done” dates and men who ghosted, breadcrumbed, and love bombed me. I am someone who loves with my whole heart (which is a good thing!), but I was giving my heart away too soon and too freely. I needed to understand that a man was not real until he was my boyfriend, that I needed to pay attention to actions rather than words, and to change my mindset to one of abundance.
I am now happily married to a wonderful man and am over the moon! He makes me feel safe, heard, and understood. I never had to question where I stood with him, and when we were dating, I noticed the ABSENCE of anxiety. He is everything I could hope for in a life partner: he is kind, patient, generous, and loving.
The support of the other women in the Love U group has been invaluable. It helped to have support when going through an anxious phase or a break up. I knew I was not alone. Coaching calls were also something you can’t put a price on. They helped me learn and to shift and adjust as necessary. I was able to recognize my blind spots with guidance and to move forward making better choices.
Evan genuinely cares about helping others find love and is able to provide guidance in a direct, but also gentle and constructive way. For example, if he thinks someone is not your guy, he won’t be wishy-washy in giving his thoughts, but you always know that he cares and wants the best for you.
I highly recommend Love U if you want to find your man.
Do you have a question? A dissent? Email questions@evanmarckatz.com or click below and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
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I read this while at the doctor’s surgery earlier and just remembered to come back to it. I think that surveys about sex are misleading. Like when people do the Myers Briggs in workplaces and select the answer they think best reflects them, I’m suspicious of how accurate the surveys are. We have so many hang-ups about sex and how often, particularly from distorted portrayals across media over the last few decades. Magazines, for instance, have a lot to answer for, never mind porn.
It’s all relative to your relationship. There are people having regular great or so-so sex in less than fulfilling and loving relationships and people having less frequent but quality sex in fulfilling and loving relationships. It’s the meaning you attach to it.
I agree that it takes effort in the sense that you have to proactively make time over the years.
I’m sorry you feel experienced so much judgment about your marriage. People need to get a grip!