8 Reasons Men Have Given Up on Courtship
...and women continue to give them a free pass
First, some housekeeping…
Every year, for the holidays, I offer a chance for one woman to work with me privately for six months.
Normally, a Love U Masters Coaching program would cost $24,000, but because you’re here on Lovesplaining, you can get it for FREE.
Click below to fill out the application, and make a short video and I will announce the winner in January.
XO
Evan
As a dating coach for high-achieving women, I am privy to EVERYTHING women have to say about dating, relationships, and men.
I am like a complaint hotline.
Dating apps suck. Men’s photos are awful. There’s no one attractive. Their profiles have no information. They text but never ask you out. They text but don’t say anything interesting. They’re too sexually aggressive. They never ask any questions. They ghost. They’re always looking for someone better.
Let’s just acknowledge that your complaints are valid and I’m not ignoring them, nor suggesting that men couldn’t do better. They could. The primary reason I’m a coach for women is because men NEED help but they don’t ASK for help. In my experience, women are more likely to blame themselves when things go wrong and men are more likely to say “she’s crazy” and call it a day.
The primary reason I’m a coach for women is because men NEED help but they don’t ASK for help.
On top of that, it’s challenging to be a smart, successful woman looking for an equal, especially since:
a. You consider less than 5% of men your equals.
b. The men you see as equals often don’t want to date women like them; many are perfectly fine with a woman who doesn’t have a big career.
c. When you finally meet a man in the Top 5%, your similarities conflict. Too busy, too difficult, too opinionated, too neurotic, too picky, too stubborn, etc.
(This is a whole other column, so let’s not get hung up on that point.)
As much as I want to throw men under the bus (I already did so during a TEDx Talk), I think it’s important that someone defend (or at least explain) male courtship behavior so it doesn’t seem so surprising or frustrating.
The lack of male courtship behavior is predictable and rational, given the state of dating apps and human behavior in the 21st century. Expecting guys to go against their short-term interests would be surprising.
So let’s explain 8 reasons why men have given up on courtship, what your role in this is, and how we can find a happy middle ground where everybody wins.
Dating apps and sites discourage depth and encourage speed
In doing “research” for this piece, I downloaded Hinge, considered one of the better apps. You start with your name, age, height, city, education, and politics. Then it asks you to upload six photos from your phone and fill out THREE short-answer prompts. That’s it. I skipped the last few questions to get to the part where I could see women and voila - I was ready to swipe.
This is an awful system that rewards speed and discourages conversation. Yet everyone uses it and complains how hard it is to make a real connection. A quality, relationship-oriented man who wants to stand out will have a hard time in a system that favors tall guys with square jaws and great bodies.
Men get rejected FAR more than women. Remember:
Women think 80% of men are unattractive.
Women swipe left (no) on 95% of men.
40% of women think there are NO attractive men on entire sites.
If you’re a normal man (like me, cough cough) - 5’9”, 175lbs, college education, white-collar job, you may conclude that women’s standards are too high.
You may also conclude there’s no point in writing anything long, thoughtful, or creative since you’re being judged on apps primarily on your looks.
Why invest energy wooing someone who passes on you 95% of the time?
Men have to swipe right on a LOT more women.
If 95% of women pass on a guy because they’re holding out for the Top 1-5% they perceive as “high-value men”, men realize they must swipe on many women they’re not as interested in, just to maintain their options.
It’s game theory.
If he swipes right on EVERYONE, he can see which women are interested, learn not to take rejection personally, and expand his dating options.
Men have to text and maintain conversations with too many women.
Maybe he needed to swipe right on 100 women to get 10 women to match.
How many women can he reasonably pay attention to? How many can he remember? How many can he afford to see simultaneously? Realistically, some good women are going to end up on the back burner.
Thus, dating apps turn average men into players.
Women have higher standards for men than men have for women.
A man doesn’t have to worry about stalkers or sexual assaults, so they’re more likely to move fast. They often want to meet as quickly as possible to see if there’s chemistry. They don’t want to engage in traditional behavior that, in the past, would make you comfortable before a first date.
Courtship suffers because no one wants to put in much time or energy before meeting. That includes you, by the way. As much as you can rightfully complain about men disengaging from courtship, if you agree to swipe, text, and meet a stranger at Starbucks to see if there’s chemistry and avoid wasting time, you’re part of this system, too.
If you agree to swipe, text, and meet a stranger at Starbucks to see if there’s chemistry and avoid wasting time, you’re part of this system, too.
Women are more likely to find men off-putting than vice versa
Think of the number of men you blocked because of something he texted that felt off: something political, sexual, crude, demeaning, aggressive, or just misspelled. I just read a column in the Guardian about a woman complaining about her ex-husband’s taste in SHEETS.
Men are usually willing to forgive most of that if you’re reasonably nice, reasonably attractive, and open to meeting in person.
Men are generally expected to pay for dates.
This may be one of the only double standards that benefits women. But it’s still true: women expect men to pick up the check, no matter where you go, no matter what the amount, and no matter who initiated contact with whom.
It may not be fair but that’s how it goes. And it makes men think twice about taking you out for thoughtful and expensive dates.
Men know that over half the time, you’re not going to like them.
Attraction is funny that way.
It can grow as long as there’s a baseline, but if you’re not attracted to a guy from the get-go, there’s nothing he can do about it. This works both ways, of course, but remember, we’re considering the typical man’s lived experience.
Once or twice a week, he is expected to buy dinner for a woman who won’t like him and stops responding to his texts as soon as the date ends.
I’m not saying you’re doing anything “wrong.” You shouldn’t go out with men out of guilt, to be polite, to “give him a chance,” or for any other reason.
But please don’t lose sight of how demoralizing it is for a man to buy dinner for a series of strangers who don’t want to be there with him.
(I’ve heard arguments from women that it’s more expensive to be a woman - as if you have to buy a new outfit AND get your nails, lashes, and hair done each time you meet a new guy. Sorry, but you don’t.)
Anyway, if those 8 things comprise the male experience - and they do for a majority of men - is the disappointing male behavior any surprise?
Why do men write short profiles? Because the apps encourage short profiles.
Why do men write short texts? Your profile doesn’t have much information, and there’s no point in putting thought into a response if 95% of the time, the answer is silence.
Why do men push fast to meet? Because if you don’t meet in person, you may find another guy you like better. Or he runs the risk of spending a few weeks getting to know you, only to discover you’ve misrepresented your age, photos, location, or marital status. (yes, women do this, too!)
Why do men text without asking you out? Because he had to swipe on so many women to overcome the high rejection rate. Suddenly, he’s texting 10 women and there’s no way for him to make all 10 women feel special, nor is there a way to meet all 10 on Saturday night. Someone is bound to be ignored or shunted aside.
Why do men offer cheap, lazy, coffee dates? Imagine buying $100 meals for every awful person you’ve ever met online. That’s the male dating experience.
All of this is to explain why courtship is slowly dying.
From a short-term selfish male perspective, it makes great sense to swipe on a high volume of women, put in as little effort as possible because the rejection rate is so high, and not invest a ton of time, energy, and money on any one woman, because she, most likely, is going to find a man she likes better. It’s kind of impeccable in its logic.
And yet, this race-to-the-bottom method for dating leaves EVERYONE unhappy.
Women wonder what’s wrong with all the men.
Men feel like suckers for making a greater effort.
Women engage in the same instant gratification behavior as men: swipe right, text, meet a stranger for coffee, and wonder why dating sucks.
Women often favor hot men who DON’T engage in formal courtship.
Don’t believe me?
You’ve likely rejected a nice, respectful, guy who called, planned, and paid, yet agreed to hook up with some attractive man who texted at 10 pm on a Friday and asked you to come over without ever taking you on a proper date.
So what’s the solution? (BTW: It’s not to go out with the no-attraction guy!)
Men: engage in old-school courtship behavior. Don’t text forever. Connect on the phone. Keep in touch during the week, plan a date, and pick up the check at the end of the night. It may not always work but you’re modeling good boyfriend behavior and the right woman will appreciate it.
Women: lead men to old-school courtship behavior. Nudge him to a planned phone call instead of endless texting. Help him make a plan in your area if he doesn’t know what to do. Stop saying yes to hot guys who text and turn you into a booty call, while complaining there are no good guys.
Set yourself up for courtship and better treatment from men, don’t accept anything less, and you’ll have a better dating experience, by far.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
What I Got Wrong
Your Love U program sounds amazing. I am not in need of it at this time, but would certainly subscribe if I was. A suggestion, for what it's worth. You described your client Sharon as "in her late 30s, looks great for her age". Can we please just leave out the "for her age" and simply say she looks great? We should all embrace aging for what it is, a privilege, and accept beauty at any age. Just my thought. Thanks.
You’re right. None other than Paulina Porizkova called my attention to this on Twitter a few years ago, and yet I still lapse back into my old habits.
My only defenses are that:
a. It’s meant as a compliment
b. Women often say it about themselves
But that doesn’t matter. In the future, it’s just “You look great!”
Thanks for the reminder.
The Love U Podcast
Are You Complaining Too Much?
You're not alone if you feel like the world's on fire. But the type of complaining I'm talking about is the day-to-day stuff - the normal indignities of 21st century living. If you're a smart, successful woman, you may have just about everything going for you but still stay in a negative space over half the time. That's what we're covering in this week's Love U Podcast. Because negativity, while often justified, is rarely an effective strategy for solving problems or connecting with people - two very important things if you're looking for a lasting, romantic relationship.
You HAVE to Check Out…
Movies - Spirited - I’m not a Christmas movie person, per se, but if you’re going to do one, this is how you do it. Go big. Self-aware. Snarky. With musical numbers. A little bit Scrooged, a little bit Christmas Carol. My wife LOVED this movie. Laughter. Tears. The whole thing.
Books - Blindness - by Jose Saramago - Imagine COVID but instead of people catching a highly contagious flu, they’re going blind instead. Chaos ensues and brings out the worst in people. Since this Nobel-Prize-winning book is so harrowing it’s not a feel-good read but it is an important one, especially given the brutality we see around the world.
Substack - Let Go of These 8 Things If You Want to Be Truly Appreciated - by Alex Mathers. Since we’re the common denominators in our own lives and we’re constantly looking for happiness, lists like this are a good reminder of how close you are to dialing it all in. Personally, I think I need to get more curious and learn how to do new things. What do YOU need to be your best self?
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A Honey Shot? Email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
Thanks for being part of my Love Universe!
Follow Me and Spread the Love
Subscribe to the Love U Podcast
Search My Blog (1000 Questions Answered)
Discover the Best Books on Dating
This piece is really insightful! As a woman dating online, this is a helpful reminder to keep in mind the real people on the other side of the screen, who are also playing this game against the algorithms.
I really enjoyed reading this today, Evan. It makes me feel some level of understanding for men. I would not have wanted to swipe Yes on my most recent guy because he let his goatee go white and I neither like grey/white nor facial hair. I would likely have forced myself to give him a Yes just because his profile may have seemed lucid. He probably would not have replied because he just went for a run instead of checking his dating app. This was an imaginary dating app scenario but the man is real. So I can go forward reminding myself that real men, real humans are usually on the other side of this flawed process. And at a minimum, men on apps usually say what they are hoping for in a relationship. It's a start. Thank you ❤️