How to Be an Amazing Date
Remember: it's not about you.
I went out with over 300 women from 1996-2006, most of whom I met online.
One of the things that comes with that much experience is accidental wisdom. Listen to enough women tell you what’s wrong with you and you’ll develop a pretty good understanding of women - and of yourself.
One woman told me I talked about myself too much. Noted.
One woman told me I was cheap. Noted.
One woman told me I was argumentative. Noted.
One woman told me I was too sexually aggressive. Noted.
One woman told me I was not emotionally unavailable. Noted.
If I was to do better with women, I had to talk less, spend more, be more agreeable, properly read her sexual interest, and be ready for a committed relationship. Got it.
If I was to do better with women, I had to talk less, spend more, be more agreeable, properly read her sexual interest, and be ready for a committed relationship. Got it.
Was I happy to receive all this unsolicited negative feedback from total strangers? Of course not! It was brutal. But armed with that information, did I become a better date (and a better man)? You bet.
Today, I want to explain how you can become a better date, why that’s important, and how it will transform your entire dating experience.
Now, I may be the least woo-woo person on earth but I do believe we present an “energy” to other people. In other words, the reason the Law of Attraction makes sense is not because the Universe listens to your vibrations but because people like to be around others who are warm, curious, and positive.
We like to be friends with them.
We like to do business with them.
We REALLY like to date them.
Consider the men you’ve met over the years: the man who spends two hours complaining about his ex-wife cleaning him out, the man who rants about women online who lie about their weight, the man who tells you how much he hates his job, the man who shares his online conspiracy theories, the man who is so insecure that he thinks you’re too good for him, the man who brags so much that he has asked you no questions whatsoever.
What these men have in common are negative energy, a lack of self-awareness, and an inability to consider what YOU want out of a date.
So what do most women want out of a date?
You want a man who reaches out in advance (not texts you on Saturday at 7)
You want a man who makes a plan (not asks what you want to do)
You want a man who puts some thought into it (not a chain restaurant)
You want a man who makes it convenient for you (not driving an hour to him)
You want a man who asks questions (not talks about himself incessantly)
You want a man who can carry on a conversation (without hijacking it)
You want a man who is polite to the server (not condescending)
You want a man who picks up the check (instead of expecting you to split)
You want a man who has already thought of a post-dinner plan (in case things happen to be going well)
You want a man who will walk you to your car or drive you home (instead of letting you fend for yourself)
You want a man to kiss you good night (if you felt romantic interest)
You want a man to call the next day (instead of playing games and making you wait)
That’s a lot of stuff! But when you think about it, if a man does these things, he’s usually to get a second date. Why? Because he made the date all about YOU. Your wants. Your needs. Your desires. Your safety.
He demonstrated, in his actions, that he’s thoughtful, generous, chivalrous, curious, interested, respectful, and romantic.
My question for you is this: what do YOU do to ensure HE has a great date?
If you’re like most of my clients, you don’t have a good, ready-made, answer.
You probably dress nicely. But in terms of behaviors, how do you show up on a date that makes EVERY guy feel like he had an amazing time and would love to take you out to dinner again?
We explore this in Week 7 of Love U. The topic? First Dates.
My assertion - as challenging as it is to hear - is that you’re not much different than I was on my clueless 300-date journey to marriage.
You show up, you look cute, and all you’re thinking on the date is “What’s wrong with this guy? What’s his deal? Is he emotionally available? Are we on the same future path? Are our values aligned? Is he a cheater or a liar? Does he have money? What’s his relationship like with his exes and his kids? When can I figure out whether or not he’s a keeper?”
What you haven’t done: anything to make sure HE has a great night.
This is an energy thing.
Because of your negative experiences, so much of your energy is spent dissecting each date like a lab rat, trying to determine what’s wrong with him and whether you’re compatible, that you forget: he’s a human being.
That human being asked you out, risking rejection.
He chose a location, risking rejection.
He’s picking up the check, risking rejection.
He considered making a first move, risking rejection.
And instead of appreciating him, showing curiosity about him, or rewarding him for his bravery, you’re looking for any excuse to cut him loose.
I understand that not every man is a prize. Many, indeed, suck. You don’t want to send false signals to guys you don’t like. I get it.
But imagine you went into each date with a different mindset. How might that transform your dating experience and, in turn, his dating experience?
Here are a handful of ways to make dating feel better:
Assume Positive Intent
It’s a good habit in general to assume people are good, trustworthy, kind, and doing the best they can. Most people are not shitty and out to hurt you.
Treat him as if you’d treat a client.
I will submit that you are more present, enthusiastic, and agreeable with a client than you are with any given man who took you out on a dinner date. Maybe your defenses are up after too many bad dates. Maybe when your job is on the line, you are forced to soften and be more agreeable. Either way, most people strike a very different pose on dates - asking tough questions, talking all about themselves, trying to read the last page of the book, instead of enjoying the book.
Shift your energy.
Be the hostess of a dinner party. Be the concierge at a hotel. Be the benevolent CEO of a non-profit that cares deeply about its employees. Your one job on a date is not to figure out your future - but to ensure your guest has a positive experience. That means a little more smiling, a few more questions that come from a place of curiosity, and a lot more appreciation for his efforts, however flawed, in attempting to charm you.
It’s not magic.
It doesn’t redeem true toxic narcissists.
But when you go into a date with the mindset that you want HIM to have fun (the same way you want him to go into a date with the intent of pleasing YOU), something incredible happens:
Each evening ends with him, exiting the date with the feeling that you saw the best in him instead of seeking the worst in him.
That is no small thing in a cold, cruel, indifferent world.
Remember, you’re not obliged to kiss him, see him for a second date, or plan a future with him.
You should just make a conscious effort to be the best person you can be and make the men who take you out feel good about themselves, dating and women.
If 90% of men ask you out a second time, that’s powerful - even if you only like 25% of them.
Your comments, below, are greatly appreciated.
What I Got Wrong
Regarding my post “My (One-Sided) Relationship with Paulina Porizkova”, a reader responds:
Really? Are you "encouraging us" talking about shockingly beautiful woman that we can never be!? Is that your guide!? We can never compete!!! We will not even try! You said it! Your crush! This is sweet indeed! Telling us was a mistake!
Um, that’s one interpretation of it. Happily married dating coach talks about unhappily aging supermodel, shares post with his approving wife, and is accused of some sort of emotional infidelity?
I do hope you get over this idea that you have to be a supermodel to find love. The point of the article is the complete OPPOSITE.
On the Love U Podcast
What To Do When You Don't Have the Same Sex Drive
Sex is important in a marriage, especially since you're only going to be having sex with one person for the rest of your life. What happens when your libidos change over time and you're not on the same page any longer? How do you handle the gap between your sex drive and his sex drive. My wife and I are lucky to have grown together on this issue but that doesn't mean we agree each week. On this episode, I'll share a personal story of how my wife and got through an argument about this common problem - one which is hard to talk about openly.
My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week
You HAVE to Check Out…
Movies - The Jerk - This was an obvious precursor to Dumb and Dumber but has a lot more sweetness and heart thanks to the daffy love story between Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters. When you can show a movie to your kids and they can quote from it immediately, you’ve done something right.
Books - Privileged Son - Otis Chandler and the Rise and Fall of the LA Times Dynasty - by Dennis McDougal - This book is a rare non-fiction book that doesn’t drag, detailing the growth and evolution of Los Angeles in the 20th century. It is also a numbing morality tale that extends far beyond Otis Chandler to highlight the greed that brought down one of America's richest family dynasties and one of its most prominent newspapers.
Substack - Why Liberalism and Leftism Are Increasingly At Odds - by Nate Silver - If one thing that the war in Gaza has made clear, it’s the split between classic liberals (like me) and the younger, more progressive left. I’m not here to attack anybody’s politics. I just appreciate clear writing that articulates things I’ve been observing.
The 3 Things You Can Do NOW to Attract High Value Men
Are you tired of swiping left on dating apps because there are so few quality men online?
Are you sick of meeting men who seem good on paper, but don’t live up to their own marketing when you meet them in person?
Are you frustrated that when you finally DO find a guy who seems cute, smart, and interested, things always seem to go awry?
Maybe it’s his busy job, maybe it’s his awful ex, maybe it’s because he’s ambivalent about commitment, but NOTHING seems to work.
Well, if you’re frustrated with the status quo and want to know how you can attract high-value men and finally get the relationship you deserve, I have great news for you!
On Thursday, I’m doing a free live training called "The 3 Things You Can Do NOW to Attract High-Value Men."
I know! It’s the perfect gift for the smart, strong, successful woman who has everything but her man!
In this hour-long presentation, I'll share my top three strategies for eliminating losers, liars, players, perverts, con men, and commitmentphobes.
These strategies are based on my 20 years of experience as a dating coach and have been proven to work for thousands of women just like you.
Here's a sneak peek at what you'll learn in the webinar:
How to discover and act on red flags before you’ve fallen in love with him.
What you should look for in a man’s behavior during that crucial first month.
Why “high-value” is not based strictly on a man’s looks, education, and income.
The free livestream will take place on Thursday, January 11th at 5pmPT/8pmET, and it's completely free to attend. All you need to do is register using the link below:
http://www.evanmarckatz.com/livestream
Don't miss out on this opportunity to transform your dating life and attract the high-value man of your dreams.
Register now and mark your calendar this Thursday for this exciting event.
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A screenshot of a guy’s text? A Honey Shot? Email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com or click the button below and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
Thanks for being part of my Love Universe!
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This is such a useful rant. We can all do well to date with kindness, compassion, and good humor. Any person willing to give another, even a stranger from an app, some undivided attention just for the "possibility" of a great connection deserves that consideration. Start as you'd like to go on. You have more ability than you might realize to make a date a good experience, even if he's not your ultimate guy. Why NOT do that?
I have always loved Paulina and her inner/outside beauty, she is a brave woman and deserves the happiness brought to her! I admire her vulnerability and desire to share her experiences, hopefully inspiring others like myself.