This is such a useful rant. We can all do well to date with kindness, compassion, and good humor. Any person willing to give another, even a stranger from an app, some undivided attention just for the "possibility" of a great connection deserves that consideration. Start as you'd like to go on. You have more ability than you might realize to make a date a good experience, even if he's not your ultimate guy. Why NOT do that?
I have always loved Paulina and her inner/outside beauty, she is a brave woman and deserves the happiness brought to her! I admire her vulnerability and desire to share her experiences, hopefully inspiring others like myself.
I think this post is insightful in so far as my date last night and I literally just had a similar discussion. I was recalling a dear guy friend of mine and his relationship troubles with his gf of 1 year who is, by all accounts, more of a “taker” than a “giver.”
I have always strived to be both a “giver” and a “taker,” especially in the ways you have explained in this post (having a positive attitude, light energy, and giving dates the benefit of the doubt regarding intentions). My date last night said it was super rare and in his dating experience, most women have been “takers” or do not reciprocate in ways that matters (and are also “high maintenance,” but I digress)
I am curious though, about this blog post as it relates to your “not viral post” of the week. How is a man (or a woman for that matter) meant to balance assuming positive intent and giving someone the benefit of the doubt when they decide “what is said” for “what is meant”?
When people say, “I’m open to marriage with the right person” i hear them communicating their intent to date for a bit to truly determine who their right person is, not “I’ll date you for two years and break your heart.” At the end of the day, after two years, you either are the right person or not, so why does “waiting for the right person” automatically mean, “not you.” Is that not assuming the speaker has poor intentions?
The same with “I’m busy at work.”
My date and I hadn’t seen each other for three weeks (or talked really) because I was sick and then he was busy with work and then it was the holidays. While I do take such a lame excuse as “I’m busy” to mean, “you’re not a priority,” and it saddens me to no end, I also know that as of last night, my date committed to exclusivity with me and is making an improved successful effort to be more communicative and present.
If I am supposed to be the loving, grateful, presence of light in this man’s life in order to “give” as well as “take,” can I still do so if I don’t continue to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is just busy? I feel it’s a lose-lose situation: if I say it bothers me he is not communicative enough and my needs aren’t being met, I’m pointing out what’s wrong with him. If I say nothing, his behavior may or may not change and my “positive intention” assumptions while away into willful blindness of issues, and if I leave him for not meeting my needs, I’ve truly missed out on a great guy who might be able to improve his communication skills over time in light of his new job and city (I.e., reason why he’s so busy), who I really like, treats me well, and otherwise is everything I want and need in a partner
I will have to schedule in February. I have an all day professional development seminar the date available for scheduling. Thank you! Looking forward to speaking with you (and meeting you)
I would think having a good date is better than not having a good date. Would you rather go out with a guy who is clearly uninterested in you and exits in an hour, or a guy who shows you a great time - even if he’s not “the one”?
This is such a useful rant. We can all do well to date with kindness, compassion, and good humor. Any person willing to give another, even a stranger from an app, some undivided attention just for the "possibility" of a great connection deserves that consideration. Start as you'd like to go on. You have more ability than you might realize to make a date a good experience, even if he's not your ultimate guy. Why NOT do that?
Yesssss!
I have always loved Paulina and her inner/outside beauty, she is a brave woman and deserves the happiness brought to her! I admire her vulnerability and desire to share her experiences, hopefully inspiring others like myself.
Appreciate it, Lynn.
I think this post is insightful in so far as my date last night and I literally just had a similar discussion. I was recalling a dear guy friend of mine and his relationship troubles with his gf of 1 year who is, by all accounts, more of a “taker” than a “giver.”
I have always strived to be both a “giver” and a “taker,” especially in the ways you have explained in this post (having a positive attitude, light energy, and giving dates the benefit of the doubt regarding intentions). My date last night said it was super rare and in his dating experience, most women have been “takers” or do not reciprocate in ways that matters (and are also “high maintenance,” but I digress)
I am curious though, about this blog post as it relates to your “not viral post” of the week. How is a man (or a woman for that matter) meant to balance assuming positive intent and giving someone the benefit of the doubt when they decide “what is said” for “what is meant”?
When people say, “I’m open to marriage with the right person” i hear them communicating their intent to date for a bit to truly determine who their right person is, not “I’ll date you for two years and break your heart.” At the end of the day, after two years, you either are the right person or not, so why does “waiting for the right person” automatically mean, “not you.” Is that not assuming the speaker has poor intentions?
The same with “I’m busy at work.”
My date and I hadn’t seen each other for three weeks (or talked really) because I was sick and then he was busy with work and then it was the holidays. While I do take such a lame excuse as “I’m busy” to mean, “you’re not a priority,” and it saddens me to no end, I also know that as of last night, my date committed to exclusivity with me and is making an improved successful effort to be more communicative and present.
If I am supposed to be the loving, grateful, presence of light in this man’s life in order to “give” as well as “take,” can I still do so if I don’t continue to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is just busy? I feel it’s a lose-lose situation: if I say it bothers me he is not communicative enough and my needs aren’t being met, I’m pointing out what’s wrong with him. If I say nothing, his behavior may or may not change and my “positive intention” assumptions while away into willful blindness of issues, and if I leave him for not meeting my needs, I’ve truly missed out on a great guy who might be able to improve his communication skills over time in light of his new job and city (I.e., reason why he’s so busy), who I really like, treats me well, and otherwise is everything I want and need in a partner
This sounds like an opportunity to book a coaching call. A comment doesn’t do it service.
How would I book a call? Couldn’t find a link but perhaps I just overlooked it
See the chat. Spots open for January, I think.
I will have to schedule in February. I have an all day professional development seminar the date available for scheduling. Thank you! Looking forward to speaking with you (and meeting you)
If a man expects you to split the check, what does it indicate? Should I always offer to split the check on the first date?
I think reaching for the check is classy and both people should do it. Hopefully he does it first and insists but it’s no big deal if he doesn’t IMHO.
But how do you not feel badly leading them on?
I would think having a good date is better than not having a good date. Would you rather go out with a guy who is clearly uninterested in you and exits in an hour, or a guy who shows you a great time - even if he’s not “the one”?