Is Anybody Taking Care of You?

If you're an independent, single career woman, probably not.

It’s not easy to lead - or be led.

Xochitl Gonzalez of The Atlantic just wrote a great piece called “I Wanna Dance With Somebody.” (It’s paywalled so I’m sharing key passages below)

In it, she grapples with an unusual paradox: she’s a high-achieving Latina writer, an independent feminist, and an excellent dancer who struggles to salsa dance because… she doesn’t like to be led.

Not on the dance floor. Not anywhere. Perhaps you can identify with her.

Like all New York women, I move my body through the crowded city and its jostling subways as if braced for impact. But my brain has been conditioned for independence—for survival and defense—in deeper ways. I was not just of the latchkey generation. “If you’d like to do that, then you can figure it out” was the rule in my household. I got my first job at 14. I filled out my FAFSA and college applications entirely alone. When I moved into my dorm, I became an adult living on my own. The white-feminist texts of my college days merely provided intellectual affirmation for a predicament I was already living: I could do it all and do it all on my own—because I had to.

Since then, I’ve been married and divorced and in and out of relationships of varying lengths, but if I am truly being honest, I never stopped thinking of myself as an individual. The latter perhaps explains, in part, the former. I realized in that salsa studio that even when someone had been dancing next to me, I had been dancing alone.

This describes a LOT of the high-achieving women who turn to me for advice.

Maybe your father left and Mom had to take on the role of both parents.

Maybe Mom was a second-wave feminist who taught you to never depend on a man for financial security.

Maybe the men you dated were irresponsible so you had to be ultra-responsible.

The result is the same: a fierce self-reliance that allows you to achieve great things alone because you don’t trust anyone else to lead. Writes Gonzalez:

I walked into those (salsa) classes thinking that I needed to learn how to be a follower. But what I learned was that dancing in partnership with another requires a different kind of thinking than dancing alone. It requires attentiveness and listening not just to the beat of the music, but to the other. It requires the leader to be considerate and think ahead. It requires the follower to trust that someone else can take you where you want to go.

If that doesn’t describe dating and relationship dynamics, I don’t know what does. Most women prefer leaders - men who are competent, purposeful, and passionate. The problem is that many of those male leaders are ALSO selfish, narcissistic, and unethical. And because of the existence of THOSE men, women have a hard time trusting ANY men and rely on only themselves.

Just as walking the streets of New York requires a certain rigidity for women, living the life of an “independent woman” (particularly as a woman of color) necessitates a certain diligent self-centeredness. You are the sole steward of your health, your financial viability, and your joy, to say nothing of the other people you might need to care for. And to protect all these things, you must navigate systems biased against you. Anyone who manages this should be celebrated. But, I think that in the slogan-ization of feminism—the messaging that we are perfect as we are, that we shouldn’t change anything for anyone else—we may have lost sight of the fact that being happily single and being happily coupled can require different skill sets. And neither should be perceived at odds with the feminist ideal of living life on our own terms. Yes, we should cheer the mettle of the independent woman. But we should also applaud the women who choose to be partnered, because pliability should not be mistaken for weakness. Especially if it brings us joy.

Amen.

Women shouldn’t judge other women for being easygoing, agreeable, or supportive. (Similarly, women shouldn’t judge men for being easygoing, agreeable, and supportive, but that’s another column for another day.)

Now, I’ve heard all the arguments for why women choose to remain single:

There are no good men my age. There are no good men in my city. There are no good men online. The only guys left in the dating pool are boring anxious guys and arrogant avoidant guys.

I get it; it CAN feel that way. But these are limiting beliefs: ideas that are partially true but not totally true.

If you’re a high-achieving woman who’d love to have an equal partner, it helps to understand the concept of masculine and feminine energy - and sand down some of your masculine energy in relationships.

For definitional purposes, masculine is about DOING, and feminine is about RECEIVING. Masculine is about drive, ambition, strong opinions, taking control, and getting things done. Feminine is about listening, supporting, and nurturing. Men need feminine energy to be sensitive partners. Women need masculine energy to thrive in the workplace. The healthiest people have a blend of both but often lean more in one direction than the other.

I am, by nature, probably 70% masculine energy. So are most of my clients (it’s rare to find a high-achiever without a healthy dose of masculine/take control energy). This wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that most of my clients tell me they secretly crave a return to femininity.

They’re tired of making all the money, making all the decisions, making all the plans, having to take care of everything and everyone all the time.

They want someone to take care of them - the way their mothers, fathers, and exes failed to, the way their kids and clients can’t.

When I ask women: “Would you like someone to take care of you?” tears well up in their eyes, so deep is their need to be taken care of by a competent, trustworthy man.

Ay, but there’s the rub!

Most independent career women, like the author, have a hard time loosening their iron grip from the steering wheel of life. They’ve succeeded in their careers specifically BY controlling everything. The problem is that you can’t succeed in love by controlling everything. You’ll either end up with a beta male you don’t respect (who wants you to make all the decisions) OR you’ll micromanage a more alpha guy who isn’t allowed to make any decisions without your approval. From my book, Why He Disappeared:

(Cami) realized that if she allowed a man to take control, she can sit back and be the prize. This is feminine energy at its finest. By relinquishing control, her man has to win her over on each and every date. All Cami has to do is sit back, watch him design his own strategy, and thank him for his efforts – as opposed to telling him what to do. This doesn’t make Cami a doormat; this makes her savvy. By letting go of control of the small things, you get to win the big ones, and have a healthy relationship with a Type A male.

Moreover, by allowing a man to make choices on her behalf, Cami acknowledges her man’s efforts to make her happy.

Men are constantly trying to do things to win you over. But when you refuse to let them because you want things your way – you send the message that they’re not good enough. A capable man – the type of man you desire – should be allowed to make decisions, even if they’re not the exact same as yours.

If that sounds challenging, Gonzalez - an ardent feminist - drew the same conclusion in her Atlantic piece:

I have to believe that my partner wants me to look good and have fun. I need to trust that if I let my partner lead, they’ll see what moves I like and direct us there.

As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, I am the LAST person who longs for a return to the 1950s, when men worked and women served the men. Second-wave feminism, the shedding of traditional gender roles, and economic independence are all vital for modern women.

The only reason I’m writing about this is because many women are not happy with the tradeoffs they’ve made. They’ve got economic independence but no man to help ease the burdens of life. Plenty of women want to work part-time, spend more time with children, and not have the burden of supporting the family financially. Yet because they’ve worked hard and are well-compensated, they don’t get to experience what it’s like to have a partner who takes care of them - not just financially but emotionally.

Society is quick to venerate independent women. But let’s take the time to recognize that it’s not an either/or. Independent women are allowed to get tired of being in charge. Independent women are allowed to have a nurturing side. Independent women are allowed to acknowledge that they have deep-seated needs that aren’t met without a partner.

If you’re one of those women, like Xochitl Gonzalez, then the first step is recognizing that you may have to adjust your approach to accommodate a good man who wants to be trusted to take care of you.

Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.

What I Got Wrong 

Ana has a lot to say - and I’m not interrupting!

As a 40-year-old childless woman who wants a family I think I am in a good position to comment on the "Is There Male Privilege on Dating?" episode of the podcast/YouTube channel.

Even though I agree with everything you said, I found myself really unsettled and depressed after watching it - and then had an idea. Allow me to explain.

Female fertility declines with age, with a steeper decrease after 35/40. There are no two ways around it, and it wasn't "patriarchy" who designed things this way; it was nature. That said, I have a friend who needed intense treatment to get pregnant at 29 and two friends who gave birth at 44 to children they didn’t even plan to have. While we cannot sugarcoat the general "rule", there are individual factors that can result in huge, crucial variations.

Men do have a much friendlier biological clock and it makes no sense to expect that they won't take advantage of that. However, isn't it precisely because men have a friendlier biological clock that they should take more risks? A woman who is 40 and wants a family cannot risk a relationship that has a considerable chance of going nowhere. But a man who is 40 can perfectly risk dating and marrying a healthy, fit, well-taken-care-of 40 year-old woman with no history of fertility problems or miscarriages; and for a very simple reason: if she fails to produce offspring, he has more than enough time to divorce her, go find someone else and start all over again. We don't have that time. Men do.

Someone might say that the idea of marrying a woman for love and dumping her because she can't give a man children is cruel and sad. I agree! But at least for me, much more cruel and much sadder is not being given ANY chance at all and being immediately eliminated from an age-appropriate man’s dating pool only because I am 40. I would much prefer seeing a man leaving me because I didn't manage to have children than being ruled out from the very beginning in favor of another woman who doesn't even look younger or better than me, but has an earlier year in her birth certificate.

I agree with you when you say that a divorced man with kids is more likely to not run away from this dreaded “40-year-old-childless woman” species. That is true. But I am yet to meet one who genuinely wants more children. Good men who are divorced are likely to want to remarry, but when it comes to having more children… At best, they seem to accept having one more child only because their current wife still hasn’t had any and wants that badly. And this is why I feel a bit uneasy about this idea that I need to limit my dating pool to older men with kids because well, a “40-year-old-childless woman” has to understand that men my age and without kids should and will be chasing 30-year-olds only.

As much as I know that nobody regrets having had a child after he/she is born, I don’t want my child/children to be a “price” someone had to reluctantly pay to be with me. I don’t want my children competing for attention with other children who are not mine. My father never wanted any children. I am obviously glad I exist, but I was very emotionally neglected during my childhood and grew up quite invisible. My triggers around these issues are big and should - I think! - be taken into consideration if I was to marry a separated man with one, two, or three kids.

I am aware of the fact that men will always do only what they want and nothing else. But why does this real, ultimate male privilege of being able to always live "in the moment" and never worry about the future need to be a synonym for terrible news for women every single time? Couldn't this male privilege bring positive things to both men and women sometimes, as it seems to be the case here? What do you think?

Big hug and, again, thank you so much for all you do!

I was going to edit this but I wanted to air Ana’s entire argument. Alas, it’s an argument based on how she wishes the world was, rather than how it is. Like a male incel saying it’s not fair that women are only attracted to 20% of men. It may not be fair. But it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t convince women to sleep with guys they don’t respect or find attractive. Thus, I feel for you, Ana, but my answer remains the same: if a 40-year-old childless man has a choice between two identical women, except one is 32 and one is 40, it makes no sense for him to choose the 40-year-old, spend 4 years trying to conceive with a 5-10% success rate, divorce her, and start his dating and fatherhood journey over at 45, in hopes of finding a woman under the age of 35.

It makes far more sense for him to just choose the 32-year-old.

Signed - the guy who married a 39-year-old who had kids at 41 and 42.

Link That Made Me Think

In business, there’s a famous graphic.

You can get something done fast and good, but it won’t be cheap.

You can get something done cheap and good, but it won’t be fast.

You can get something done cheap and fast, but it won’t be good.

In my experience as a small-business owner (and homeowner), this is true.

I thought of this graphic when reading Erik Hoek’s “Choose Two of the Three: Career, Family, Community” on Substack. While it’s paywalled, the first few paragraphs make an excellent point that is thematically relevant, especially as a married man in the suburbs.

Moving out to the suburbs is often implicitly an abandonment of the scene-like aspects of community, and turns the focus on career and family. Someone who chooses to stay in their hometown their whole life will likely not have a globe-trotting high-paying career, but they will have friends and a family life. That’s good, as good as it gets, really, just in a different way. Others’ lives, even those that look depressing or impossible to understand, are often merely the result of maximizing over different values.

What I see as a dating coach is women who put career and community above dating and relationships. They’re not “wrong” for doing so. Nor are they wrong for feeling a longing for love, affection, and companionship. The only thing that’s “wrong” is thinking that you can have it all without making any tradeoffs.

I choose to work from home, raise my family in the suburbs, and have dinner with them every night. I lack a community - especially a community of men - because every guy I know is doing the same thing.

It should come as no surprise that if you’re a woman who works 50 hours a week, travels 10 weeks a year, and fills up your social calendar with family and friends, networking opportunities, walking the dog, going to conferences, not to mention book clubs, dance classes, and other hobbies, there is little time for meeting new men and little time to grow a relationship. And when you date busy men who operate the same way, there’s simply not enough time focused on the relationship despite your mutually stated desire for love.

Ask yourself: would you rather be at the top of your industry or would you like to have a long-term romantic relationship? There’s no right answer but you may have to reallocate time from your work to succeed in love.

On the Love U Podcast

Do You Act on Red Flags - Or Ignore Them?

You may go months or years without a strong connection with a guy. When you find it, you want to preserve it at all costs. But what if you discover, sometime in the first month of dating, that there are major obstacles to a long-term relationship? Do you act on them? Or do you sweep them under the rug because it feels so good to be with him?

If you're like most of my listeners, you sweep them under the rug. If you're like my clients, you know better and get rid of any man who is incapable of being your future husband. Make sure you listen to this if you’re not already subscribed on Apple Podcasts.

My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week

Don't beat yourself up because some guy disappeared.

It's natural to feel disappointed when someone you were interested in suddenly disappears. But here's the thing: it's not about blaming yourself for their actions. Instead, focus on self-love and confidence.

If you find yourself holding on to someone who's not reciprocating, it's time to let go and make space for someone who truly values you. Remember, your worth doesn't depend on anyone else's actions.

You HAVE to Check Out…

Movies - Do Revenge - In the spirit of Heathers and Mean Girls comes this tasty teenage nugget that I missed from 2022. Despite seeing dozens of movies like this before, I’ve never seen THIS movie before - witty writing, eye-popping visuals, and something true to say about the fragility of friendship and the desire to impress others.

Books - The Best Minds: A Story of Friendship, Madness, and the Tragedy of Good Intentions by Jonathan Rosen - Since I saw this on so many best-of-2023 lists, I decided to pick it up and have not been disappointed. It’s a memoir of growing up as a Jewish intellectual, it’s a story of friendships and jealousy, it’s a harrowing story of mental illness, and it’s a meditation on how, out of sensitivity, we’ve stopped telling the truth - with horrific consequences. Rosen’s beautiful writing and observations make the length worth it.

Substack - This Moment is a Test of Our Principles - Jill Filipovic - Filipovic is just a first-class talent. Lucid, thorough, nuanced, and passionate, in this piece she argues for intellectual honesty and consistency in how we manage free speech in the wake of the Palestinian-Israeli conflict.

The Honey Shot

I know you love success stories so I thought I’d send you through part 3 of mine – yesterday I got married – my husband and I started planning our engagement party, and during the planning decided we didn’t want to wait another year to get married so we thought we’d turn our engagement party into a backyard wedding and surprise all the guests.

And they sure were surprised!! But it was a lovely day, we’re both so very happy AND we’re expecting a child together next March. I can’t quite believe how quickly things turned around from just over 2 years ago when I was in Love U and working on myself to change my relationship patterns. I really can’t. Especially since it was 13 years of those patterns prior that I had to change. So again, thank you for what you do – thank you for the group coaching and the role that played in changing things for me.

Alexia

Do you have a dating question? A dissent? Email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.

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Thanks for being part of my Love Universe!

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