Is It Racist to Have Racial Preferences in Dating?
Thoughts on a Facebook thread from June of 2020.
It was the time of our racial reckoning: June 4, 2020 - less than 2 weeks after the death of George Floyd.
I was a member of a private Facebook group for dating coaches when a long-time friend posted a thought-provoking question:
Serious question about clients racial dating preferences. Is it considered racist when a client excludes dating a person of a particular race? i.e. Clients say “I don’t date Asian men, or Indian or Black?” I understand we treat clients requests as all “preferences” and I have been told by some clients they experience racism on dating apps and consider people to be racist when they refuse to date someone of a certain ethnicity.
I’d love to hear some insight on how you handle this. There are a lot of biases when it comes to dating and matchmaking. Discrimination in dating is at an all time high, especially if you’re a minority on an app. How do you approach this with someone who says they feel elements of matchmaking are racist?
Since I have been giving dating and relationship advice for twenty years - and because I’m not a racist - I felt more than comfortable sharing my two cents.
Not racist. People have the right to choose. If they're too choosy (whether it's on race, religion, politics, education, income), they run the risk of being alone. It's our job to manage their risk and steer them to optimal choices. But, ultimately, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
Some felt this was the incorrect answer. According to another friend in the group whom I respect:
Yes, it’s racist. But I wouldn’t label it as such to them. We have “preferences” because of our limited life experiences and biases reinforced through societal patterns. As a dating coach who is the product of an interracial and interfaith relationship, I insist that my clients broaden their criteria to more meaningful qualities and challenge themselves to date outside their normal “type” which includes race and sometimes even religion. Not everyone is ultimately open to it as it can be very painful to examine our own biases and sometimes the fear of the unknown or family pressure is too much but I it’s something I require of everyone in my program to at least examine their beliefs and why they have them.
Examining one’s beliefs and biases is the nature of coaching and therapy. If you think all men cheat because you’ve only chosen cheaters, it’s worth reconsidering that belief. If you’re attracted to only men over 6 feet tall, I’ll point out you’re eliminating 86% of men and that it’s possible to be attracted to a guy who is 5’11”. I’ve taken a similar approach to coaching clients about race and religion - without the moralizing. Because, to me, having racial or religious preferences isn’t an issue of right vs. wrong but rather, effective vs. ineffective. I’m not here to be preachy about your internalized racism. I just want to make sure you have the best odds of finding long-term happiness.
For example: if I’m Jewish (1.7% of the U.S. population) and an atheist (4%) and I insist on marrying someone who thinks just like me, I’m cutting off 99.9% of my potential matches - and that’s BEFORE we talk about age, education, income, humor, looks, character, kindness, communication, and commitment.
So, do I think people would benefit from expanding their racial preferences to have the greatest chance at love? Yes. But does that mean they’re RACIST if they don’t? One Black dating coach on the thread sure thought so:
Here’s my take, not just as a love professional but as a PhD who specialized in black feminist thought, critical race theories, multiple literacies and rhetorical theories. Attractions are shaped by racist ideologies. One of the projects of white supremacist capitalist patriarchy is to dehumanize the “other” and one way to do that was through the uglification of colonized people. They’d portray natives as “ugly” to make it easier to enact violence against them. It’s happened over and over again. For example, notice that Asian women are often viewed as more desirable for all races but Asian men are not. Happens with Black men & women too. So it may not be personal, but it is influenced by racial bias.
That’s a lot. And the hard part, for me, is that it has many seeds of truth.
Dehumanization IS common in an all-too-tribal world.
Asian women DO get more attention online than Black women.
Racial bias IS, indeed, real, and pervasive.
And yet, the implication that a white woman passing up a black man online is the result of “white supremacist capitalist patriarchy” feels incorrect.
My clients are not white supremacists for being attracted to men who look like them - even if they are biased by growing up in white neighborhoods.
I suppose you can equate any bias to racism, but taking that leap - from “I prefer men with blue eyes” to “KKK-adjacent” is simply too crude and jarring.
When it comes to dating, you can choose to make a big deal about anything, or you can choose not to make a big deal about it.
Neat freaks vs. slobs. Introverts vs. extroverts. Outdoorsy people vs. indoorsy people.
If you call something a dealbreaker, it’s a dealbreaker. If you don’t, it’s not.
That’s where racial preferences fall for me - not as an indictment of someone’s character but as a preference. Is that preference limiting? Sure. If I held out for another Jewish atheist instead of my Catholic wife, my life would be decidedly different.
But even if I had a strong preference for dating someone like me, it would be more accurately described as narrow-minded or narcissistic, not actively anti-Christian. Preferring a Jewish woman because we share a culture is more akin to an avid skier who insists her partner ski, or an educated woman preferring a man with an advanced degree.
I just don’t think those who have racial preferences are ipso facto racists, an idea implied by another woman on that Facebook thread:
So much depends on context. Is it a Black woman preferring only other Black people? Not racist.
Is it a white person only wanting to date white people? Probably racist, because you can't be white in America and not be racist, but possibly also afraid that they would lack the cultural competency to date people different from them and would rather stick with what they know.
This is where the argument loses me:
Black women who prefer black men. Not racist.
White women who prefer white men. Racist.
I can see how if you’re in the minority and people are not considering you because of your race, it would be the dictionary definition of racism. I acknowledge that this stance may indicate my lack of awareness as a cis-het-white man. Black women will be, in general, more attuned to racism, just as Jews will be more attuned to anti-Semitism.
But that’s humanity. A white woman being attracted to white men is no different than a Black woman who is more attracted to black men. And if that Black woman concluded that a white man couldn’t fully understand her lived experience? That’s fair, too. Would she have more options if she opened up to white men? Certainly. Is she a racist? Certainly not.
When I was single, I had women not want to date me because I was too short, too cheap (aka poor), and because I was a writer. I had other women tell me that I was too opinionated, too aggressive in bed, and too vanilla in bed. I had other women tell me they just weren’t attracted to me even though they liked my personality. It’s hard not to take those things personally, especially if you have no control over them, like your height or your looks.
Yet those women were entitled to their preferences and were under no obligation to give me a chance. Attraction can’t be legislated, and, honestly, it can’t even be encouraged. Think about the nice guy you couldn’t summon any attraction to, no matter how hard you tried. Having people shame you for failing to be attracted to someone serves no purpose.
This is why I don’t wag fingers at my born-again Christian clients who want to find partners who will go to church with them every Sunday. Or my coastal Ivy-League women who have ruled out all MAGA men online.
Look around. The world is a big place. There’s a lid for every pot. If you determine that your preferences are boxing you in, you can always open them up. But it doesn’t make you racist or wrong if you don’t.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
What I Got Wrong
You guys have been quiet in your dissents. That’s why I figured I’d write about race so someone would loudly disagree with me.
Link That Made Me Think
8 Things Not to Say to Your Partner
I may be a dating coach who has been married for 15 years, but that doesn’t mean I’m immune from the same poor communication habits that plague everyone. Honey, if you’re reading this (I know you’re not; you’re too busy), I’m sorry about that time I told you to calm down. And about the time I said the thing that was bothering you wasn’t a big deal….
On the Love U Podcast
There Is No Going Back
If you’ve ever tried to rekindle a relationship with your ex, you’re aware of how powerful the allure can be. There’s a deep love, a deep understanding, a deep friendship that you don’t want to let go of. It seems much more comforting to go back to someone you love than to try your hand at meeting strangers online. Yet there’s a reason there’s a book called “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.” It’s because you and your ex are incompatible. That’s why you broke up in the first place and why you’re probably going to break up again. In this Love U Podcast, I share the story of a client who can’t seem to kick her habit of returning to her exes.
I hope you can learn from her experiences.
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Robin Dreeke was referred to me by a former client and boy, am I glad. Don’t be fooled by his CIA-looking logo, this man is among the most well-read and intellectually curious people I’ve ever met. His Self-Mastery reading list alone makes him well worth your while. Please, enjoy this interview, which has a different vibe than when I’m talking to another dating coach, for example.
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TV - Get On Your Knees - Jacqueline Novak. Sherman Alexie recommended this standup comedy special and my wife and I immediately watched it (without the kids). An unbelievably funny, weird, and highly literate 90-minute meditation on male genitalia and oral sex. You’ll be blown away. (Oh, come on! I had to!)
Movies - Anatomy of a Fall - 5 Academy Award nominations got my attention. A man is found dead after falling off the balcony of his French chalet. Did he kill himself? Did his wife do it? Did their blind son witness what happened? The answer is so very European. Lots of dialogue. Little action. Great acting. 40 minutes too long. And an interesting ending you’ll want to Google when you’re done.
Books - Screw Cupid - by Samantha Scholfield - If “The Game” told men how to talk to women, Screw Cupid shows women how to fearlessly approach cute guys. Using Scholfield’s very funny anecdotes — she used herself as a human guinea pig — you can overcome your fear of rejection and make the right guy fall for you.
Substack - I Dress Sexy for Other People - and So Do You - Mikaela Jamison says something that many wouldn’t say out loud: “I’ve dressed sexy to be desired and/or admired. Dressing this way is “for me” because it feels good that other people think I look good.” She dispenses with the idea that looks don’t matter or that we shouldn’t enhance what we’ve got. Amen to truth-telling.
The Honey Shot
Just want to drop you a quick note to let you know that I read your book, followed your advice and broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years after I realized it was a dead-end relationship. While it was very difficult, I knew I had made the right decision to move on so I could make myself available to a man who wanted the same things that I did…marriage and a happy life together. I didn’t plan on dating immediately after I broke up with my ex because I wanted to drop a few pounds and get back in to the swing of being a single person again. I then decided to take a vacation by myself and visit family and friends in Hawaii.
So, I was at the airport dressed in shorts, a casual pullover, flip flops and no makeup, waiting for the flight and I noticed this handsome outdoorsy looking man around my age with a hiking backpack waiting at the same gate as mine. The first thing I said to myself was, “wow I hope he’s sitting next to me”, then laughed to myself because I travel alone a lot and have never been seated next to a handsome stranger. When I got in the plane and headed for my seat, I couldn’t believe who was seated at the window next to me…it was the handsome stranger!
For the first hour we didn’t really say anything to each other. The food came and I was on a strict Paleo diet at the time so I couldn’t eat most of the food that came including the chocolate covered macadamia nuts. I offered them to him, he smiled at me and accepted, then started talking to me… We talked for the rest of the flight. It was really weird because our conversation flowed like we were old friends. Usually when I meet men it’s kind of awkward in the beginning. Anyway, I found out that we both were on vacation by ourselves in Hawaii, we both loved hiking, the beach and travel, and we also both lived in LA. We were 1 year apart in age, had the same religious and political views, and also had many other things in common. Just as we were landing, he asked me for my phone number and permission to call me. I said yes, and we made our first outing a few days later.
I had a car so I picked up one of my friends first (in case he was crazy, I didn’t want to be alone in the car with him) then picked him up at a nearby shopping center. We took him on a “locals only” tour of the island (I was born and raised there). We had a great time and he later asked me if it was ok to call me when I got back to LA. I said yes and we eventually started dating.
While dating, I reminded myself to stick to all of your advice and keep cool. I let him do all the work while I just sat back and accepted date after date. I also made him wait forever to have sex. Haha!
I used to be sort of the controlling type of person in past relationships because it’s just how I am at work. I set a goal, make a plan and then execute. I realized from you that it doesn’t work like that in relationships for women. Sometimes we need to let the man take charge in order for him to feel attracted to us. Men want to feel like men when they get home, not like they need to compete with another man when they leave work. It sounded so strange and old fashioned but I believe now that it really is the truth. I let him pay, I let him drive, I let him plan most of the dates and the vacations, I let him open my door, I let him carry my groceries etc… I had been so used to doing EVERYTHING for myself that I think that I often emasculated my past boyfriends and made them feel worthless to me because I was completely taking that role away from them. I realize now, part of the problem was me and I now take responsibility for what I can also positively contribute to the relationship.
Fast forward to now… That handsome stranger turned into my boyfriend, then husband and we will be celebrating our 1-year wedding anniversary in March!
Anyway, just wanted to drop you an email and thank you for writing your book. It has helped me open my eyes and to finally have the kind of relationship I’ve always wanted.
Love & Aloha,
Kari
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? Email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
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Life is hard enough -- why be judgey? If you're only attracted to your own race, you're racist. If you're only attracted to a different race, you're a fetishist. If you're a heterosexual man who is not open to a transwomen, you're transphobic. Particular about body size? Fat phobic. About age? Ageist. Don't want to push a wheelchair around for the rest of your life? Ableist.
We've all got biases and being willing to look at them openly is a good thing. But when it comes to picking out a life partner -- what should be our most tender, intimate relationship -- we need to give each other a little slack.
I have a couple of thoughts on this idea that racial preferences in dating stem from unconscious racism:
- If we consider assortative mating, isn't it normal for people to generally prefer to date and marry people of their own race? I understand that we tend to pair up with people who are similar to us in terms of looks, level of income, education, social class, etc. Of course, there are exceptions but it seems that in dating and love, like attracts like. If that's true, it wouldn't be surprising that people tend to prefer to date people of their own race, on average (of course, there will be numerous exceptions to the rule). I'm just not convinced racism or unconscious bias are the main factors at play here. Even if society became magically non-racist tomorrow, it's not a guarantee that most couples would become interracial.
- To what degree does society actually shape our preferences and desires? When you look at reality, it seems to me like no matter what restrictions and norms you put in place, people will like who they like and fuck who they want to fuck. In countries where homosexuality is a punishable offence and has been heavily stigmatized for generations, gay people haven't developed preferences for straight people or relationships. Not only are they still very much attracted to the same sex, they're willing to risk torture and even death to fulfill those desires. When interracial marriages and relationships were stigmatized, people of different races still got together to have sex and relationships. Sure, maybe some people manage to repress their innate desires to the point they're not even aware of them, but evidently plenty of humans don't and like who they like, society be damned.
And no matter how long Cosmopolitan and Hollywood have been ramming images of insanely gorgeous and perfectly symmetrical women down our throats, it seems men just keep falling in love with perfectly normal women who don't look like Penelope Cruz - women with average looks, graying hair, and zits. You'd think that would be impossible if society influenced our preferences that much.