Life is hard enough -- why be judgey? If you're only attracted to your own race, you're racist. If you're only attracted to a different race, you're a fetishist. If you're a heterosexual man who is not open to a transwomen, you're transphobic. Particular about body size? Fat phobic. About age? Ageist. Don't want to push a wheelchair around for the rest of your life? Ableist.
We've all got biases and being willing to look at them openly is a good thing. But when it comes to picking out a life partner -- what should be our most tender, intimate relationship -- we need to give each other a little slack.
I have a couple of thoughts on this idea that racial preferences in dating stem from unconscious racism:
- If we consider assortative mating, isn't it normal for people to generally prefer to date and marry people of their own race? I understand that we tend to pair up with people who are similar to us in terms of looks, level of income, education, social class, etc. Of course, there are exceptions but it seems that in dating and love, like attracts like. If that's true, it wouldn't be surprising that people tend to prefer to date people of their own race, on average (of course, there will be numerous exceptions to the rule). I'm just not convinced racism or unconscious bias are the main factors at play here. Even if society became magically non-racist tomorrow, it's not a guarantee that most couples would become interracial.
- To what degree does society actually shape our preferences and desires? When you look at reality, it seems to me like no matter what restrictions and norms you put in place, people will like who they like and fuck who they want to fuck. In countries where homosexuality is a punishable offence and has been heavily stigmatized for generations, gay people haven't developed preferences for straight people or relationships. Not only are they still very much attracted to the same sex, they're willing to risk torture and even death to fulfill those desires. When interracial marriages and relationships were stigmatized, people of different races still got together to have sex and relationships. Sure, maybe some people manage to repress their innate desires to the point they're not even aware of them, but evidently plenty of humans don't and like who they like, society be damned.
And no matter how long Cosmopolitan and Hollywood have been ramming images of insanely gorgeous and perfectly symmetrical women down our throats, it seems men just keep falling in love with perfectly normal women who don't look like Penelope Cruz - women with average looks, graying hair, and zits. You'd think that would be impossible if society influenced our preferences that much.
Clearly people confuse preference with prejudice. The lack of attraction isn't repulsion, it's indifference to association, as lack of love is not hate. Gay men and most women are attracted to men, but it doesn't mean they are repulsed by association with women.
It’s also the essence of the conceptual problem with trans ideas. Sadness or discomfort with your own sex is not the same as the desire to be another sex. Rebranding sadness or discomfort as dysphoria, then substituting gender for sex makes the actual issue even more obscure. Lack of attraction to a particular group is not the same as revulsion or dislike. Same way as disbelief in a concept is not the same as violence towards or contempt of people who believe a concept.
Well, I was told that I was “objectifying and fetishizing” men of color all because I had dated a few Asian men (in addition to a few white men) . They said I had a “pattern”. I found the accusation itself to be racist. I liked those men-was attracted to them. They liked me back. All consenting adults. I found it to be infantilizing to the men. Are people supposed to only date their own “race” in case they accidentally “fetishize”? Are all of my bi or multiracial friends only results of fraudulent love? I was very offended by their accusations because I truly loved all of the people I dated at some time. This is what happens with the far-left turns into fundamentalists.
I think people should be able to date adults they are attracted to and other people should keep their opinions to themselves.
I think the concept of fetishizing is slightly more nuanced - it refers to the disconnect between who you actively seek to date and who you actively choose to partner with. For example, someone choosing to only date a black guy but will never “settle down with” or see him as a viable option.
Based on this explanation- fetishization does not extend to situations of mixed race long term committed relationships.
Valid point. Thankfully, I wasn’t fetishizing any of my partners…I wanted to marry each of them. I find it sad that people go around accusing people, though. People rarely know someone’s intentions.
"Asian women DO get more attention online than Black women."
Not all attention is good attention. I'm of Indian descent and I've often experienced that non-Indian men (white and black) only approach me because they think I will be submissive and physically easy to control and dominate. My experience is unfortunately not rare. A lot of Asian and South-East Asian women get to deal with this bullshit.
Interesting article and one I conceptually struggle with. As a Jewish woman, I only date Jewish people, and given that Jews are such a small population, I have realized I have self-narrowed in many ways (specifically height iykyk). That being said, I am a second gen Holocaust survivor and with everything in the world the way it is, it is not so much a matter of preference (my kids will be Jewish by my standards either way as it is matrilineal) but a matter of comfort. When you marry someone, you marry their family. Now, I know this is a case by case scenario given who you marry, what their background is, their relationship with their family, etc. but from a stand point of actual safety and more importantly from a standpoint of not having to constantly explain who I am and why I am that way, I don’t think this counts as racism. Plus, Jews come in all different colors and nationalities which I don’t care about, the same as many other religions… I also don’t discriminate against people who are Jewish atheists, more secular and non practicing, or individuals who only have one Jewish parent.
Now that being said, religion is similar but not the same as race. If you are black and want to be with someone who is also black due to the same safety and comfort reasons of not explaining who you are and why you are the way you are, that’s understandable. But not all Black people have the same experiences (same reason USSC just said race isn’t a good indicator of diverse experience for AA reasons, but I digress). To that extent, being with someone just because of their skin color or religion does not guarantee understanding and comfort.
So yes, I believe people should expand their comfort zone or considerations of who to date, but I also don’t think limiting your dating pool by race or religion is inherently racist or wrong. Of course, people wanting to date within their same religion or race might toe the line — for example, someone may be a colorist—only want to be with someone lighter/darker than them in same race—and that would definitely be racist, or in my case—not dating a black person who meets my criteria of being Jewish solely because of his race—would be racist, but otherwise, not racist.
TLDR: not racist, unless specific issues like light/dark colorism or other example
My Catholic-raised wife just threw an epic bat mitzvah for my daughter this weekend and gave a teary speech on the bimah, so perhaps there's more ways to achieve your dream than you've imagined, Hannah.
Mazel Tov! That is so incredible for your daughter and family.
Perhaps I miscommunicated—my intention was not to say that a non-Jewish spouse (or non-like spouse of any race or religion) cannot and will not ever understand. That’s why I said it’s a case by case basis. I only just meant to say that there is an innate level of comfort that comes with what we know and what is “like” to us, purely on a biological and psychological level. It does not mean it is not worth teaching others or that they cannot understand or appreciate, it just means that sometimes people do not want to put in the time or effort to explain or otherwise lack the capacity to effectively do so in order to establish that base level of comfort in a new relationship with no background exposure or context.
So what do you suggest Black women do? Black women want to date men on par with themselves but oftentimes online they are shown the lowest quality men (who express openness to them - look at Hinge and Black women. The Algorithms don't show Black women the best men). Given the smaller number of men open to Black women at all should they settle for men who are less educated men? Should they settle for men much older or who make significantly less than they do? This is what people have suggested educated, accomplished Black women do for at least the past 30 years (and just watch any Tyler Perry movie where the Black female lawyer is encouraged to date the bus driver and/or punished when she doesn't) and you know what? It doesn't work for exactly the reasons you'd expect.
While many Black women are increasingly open to non-Black and in particular white men (there's a whole Internet dating coach sub-industry around this developing. Look up: Anwar White) the message needs to get out and any white man who finds a Black woman attractive but doesn't approach should ask himself why and to examine of those reasons are really substantive or just going along with what everyone does/what he thinks they'll do it approve of.
I knew a gay guy who openly said that he didn't date Black men. Maybe 3 years, maybe 5 years later he was *married* to a Black man. It's been like 10 years and they're still married.
Imagine where he'd be if he'd stuck to his ban on Black men...
No one has ever said to "settle." Ultimately, you have to make the most of what you've got. But I think, given your perspective that there are few quality black men, you'd be more effective in opening up to willing white men than in telling white men that they SHOULD be willing. That's my only point. I don't think you can tell anyone who to be attracted to or date. You can engage in a conversation. You can get people to admit unconscious bias. But it'd be hard for anyone to force attraction to anyone.
I just wanted to chime in to say I do feel you on the app algorithms. I did a little "experiment" last time I signed up for Hinge, where I just scrolled through the discover feed for a week without liking anyone's profiles. Only preferences I set were location and age, but I was only served profiles of white men. Was marked as "most compatible" with only white men. Again, despite me never liking any man's, much less a white man's, profile.
I get that Hinge wants to serve the "most popular" profiles, but I feel like there was no consideration of race when creating that algorithm. Because obviously due to racism, both overt from outside the community and internalized, not as many people are interested in dating people of color, so of course a POC man's profile is not gonna show up in the first several hundred profiles unless you explicitly filter them in/out, whatever way you wanna look at it. Seriously annoying!
Just for some context, I'm speaking from my experience as a POC, but I don't speak for all POC.
As mentioned in the post, there's a difference between wanting to date someone of the same race/religion because you want that shared cultural experience vs wanting to date someone of the same race/religion because you look down upon others who are unlike you or whatever other ignorant trope. I think my issue with the conversation about interracial and interfaith relationships is that so many people are afraid to look at themselves in the mirror and question their biases - all of us have them. To combat any prejudice we need to start getting honest with ourselves.
Also I feel like my dating choices as a POC are way more scrutinized. No one ever asks my white friends why they only date other white people, just like how no one ever questions why white people generally only hang out with other white people. Why am I always the one questioned, when I'm the one that's open to dating guys of any race and religion?
With that said, I still try my best to not get too mad about it. I put in the work everyday to combat racism, unpack my biases, and surround myself with wonderful people that come from a variety of cultures, so I have no reason to feel insecure or defensive. I also love discussions around these topics, so I'm trying to be patient with (mainly white) people that are still coming around to digging deeper on these things.
I hope it's clear from my post that I wouldn't scrutinize your choices. I would do exactly what I do with my white clients; I'd ask you to consider lowering your height requirement, income requirement, education requirement and raising your max age range - to be open to the maximum number of people. And if that didn't produce enough results, we'd consider opening up on race as well. Ultimately, the client makes the choice. But I applaud you for already being open in a way that many people are not. That says something about you.
Absolutely! My biggest takeaway from this post, and most of the other posts you write, is that you can only change your circumstances or perspective, not the other person's. If a potential partner is from a different ethnicity, race, or religion than me, then I don't expect them to understand every little part of my background. But I expect a certain level of open-mindedness and enthusiasm, because my culture shaped me to be the person I am today, the person they supposedly want to love. If they can't meet me there, then I'm just on to the next one. No more bending over backwards trying to be a people pleaser!
Yes. I can't tell you how important it was to my wife that I come to Christmas mass with her family when we first got married. Nor how important it was to my mother when my daughter got bat mitzvahed. It's tricky and personal - but as long as the couple can find a compromise they can live with - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
I bet one of those dating experts in that Facebook group was Damona Hoffman because she talks about Race in her excellent book “F the fairytale.” I admit that particular section of her book annoyed the heck out of me and I stopped listening at that point. I knew exactly why I was annoyed. I’ve been told for years it’s okay to have preferences and now I’m a racist for having preferences? It is making me think though. I am going to relisten and finish Damona’s book.
Really interesting topic and one I’ve thought about a lot as a black woman. True story: Back in 2019 I was on Match and some sort of glitch occurred in their system where, for about 12 hours, the filters chosen by the men were visible on their profiles. I was astonished at the amount of guys who checked “white” only or even worse, checked every race except black (what even is pan-pacific lol). If I’m not your type, cool, no problem but it felt like they were also disparaging my mom, sister, grandma and a lot of my friends with these preferences. Are those men racist? Possibly, but maybe they are just benignly prejudiced because of the very legitimate reasons you mentioned regarding cultural competency and engaging with the unfamiliar. Bottom line, I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me, and the explicit or underlying reason doesn’t ultimately matter. Side note: I noticed several guys who had responded to my messages also had their preferences set to filter out blacks so . . . 🤔
Great thought-provoking topic and your take on it is spot on! I know this is not exactly the same topic/issue, but this situation can also apply to any other preferences in dating, where people can be dismissed in dating for a variety of other reasons (some can feel like biases, discrimination, and stereotypes), and therefore miss out on getting to know someone amazing. For example, I have a few tattoos and love heavy metal music. A single friend recently told me no offense, but she would never a date a man who liked/had those two things. I felt that even though her statement was her preference, it did make me feel a bit offended, as if liking heavy metal music and having tattoos makes me a bad partner. Fortunately, I am married. I just thought that in her ruling out something so trivial in the grand scheme of things, it further narrows down her dating pool to exclude people who aren't like me among other things. I think people should try to be at least a little more open minded. I understand attraction cannot be controlled, but such traits as music preferences have absolutely nothing to do with attraction. Perhaps that's why I have not had difficulty in the dating world because I am open minded. To each their own I guess.
Life is hard enough -- why be judgey? If you're only attracted to your own race, you're racist. If you're only attracted to a different race, you're a fetishist. If you're a heterosexual man who is not open to a transwomen, you're transphobic. Particular about body size? Fat phobic. About age? Ageist. Don't want to push a wheelchair around for the rest of your life? Ableist.
We've all got biases and being willing to look at them openly is a good thing. But when it comes to picking out a life partner -- what should be our most tender, intimate relationship -- we need to give each other a little slack.
I have a couple of thoughts on this idea that racial preferences in dating stem from unconscious racism:
- If we consider assortative mating, isn't it normal for people to generally prefer to date and marry people of their own race? I understand that we tend to pair up with people who are similar to us in terms of looks, level of income, education, social class, etc. Of course, there are exceptions but it seems that in dating and love, like attracts like. If that's true, it wouldn't be surprising that people tend to prefer to date people of their own race, on average (of course, there will be numerous exceptions to the rule). I'm just not convinced racism or unconscious bias are the main factors at play here. Even if society became magically non-racist tomorrow, it's not a guarantee that most couples would become interracial.
- To what degree does society actually shape our preferences and desires? When you look at reality, it seems to me like no matter what restrictions and norms you put in place, people will like who they like and fuck who they want to fuck. In countries where homosexuality is a punishable offence and has been heavily stigmatized for generations, gay people haven't developed preferences for straight people or relationships. Not only are they still very much attracted to the same sex, they're willing to risk torture and even death to fulfill those desires. When interracial marriages and relationships were stigmatized, people of different races still got together to have sex and relationships. Sure, maybe some people manage to repress their innate desires to the point they're not even aware of them, but evidently plenty of humans don't and like who they like, society be damned.
And no matter how long Cosmopolitan and Hollywood have been ramming images of insanely gorgeous and perfectly symmetrical women down our throats, it seems men just keep falling in love with perfectly normal women who don't look like Penelope Cruz - women with average looks, graying hair, and zits. You'd think that would be impossible if society influenced our preferences that much.
Clearly people confuse preference with prejudice. The lack of attraction isn't repulsion, it's indifference to association, as lack of love is not hate. Gay men and most women are attracted to men, but it doesn't mean they are repulsed by association with women.
Interesting distinction.
It’s also the essence of the conceptual problem with trans ideas. Sadness or discomfort with your own sex is not the same as the desire to be another sex. Rebranding sadness or discomfort as dysphoria, then substituting gender for sex makes the actual issue even more obscure. Lack of attraction to a particular group is not the same as revulsion or dislike. Same way as disbelief in a concept is not the same as violence towards or contempt of people who believe a concept.
Well, I was told that I was “objectifying and fetishizing” men of color all because I had dated a few Asian men (in addition to a few white men) . They said I had a “pattern”. I found the accusation itself to be racist. I liked those men-was attracted to them. They liked me back. All consenting adults. I found it to be infantilizing to the men. Are people supposed to only date their own “race” in case they accidentally “fetishize”? Are all of my bi or multiracial friends only results of fraudulent love? I was very offended by their accusations because I truly loved all of the people I dated at some time. This is what happens with the far-left turns into fundamentalists.
I think people should be able to date adults they are attracted to and other people should keep their opinions to themselves.
I think the concept of fetishizing is slightly more nuanced - it refers to the disconnect between who you actively seek to date and who you actively choose to partner with. For example, someone choosing to only date a black guy but will never “settle down with” or see him as a viable option.
Based on this explanation- fetishization does not extend to situations of mixed race long term committed relationships.
Valid point. Thankfully, I wasn’t fetishizing any of my partners…I wanted to marry each of them. I find it sad that people go around accusing people, though. People rarely know someone’s intentions.
"Asian women DO get more attention online than Black women."
Not all attention is good attention. I'm of Indian descent and I've often experienced that non-Indian men (white and black) only approach me because they think I will be submissive and physically easy to control and dominate. My experience is unfortunately not rare. A lot of Asian and South-East Asian women get to deal with this bullshit.
Interesting article and one I conceptually struggle with. As a Jewish woman, I only date Jewish people, and given that Jews are such a small population, I have realized I have self-narrowed in many ways (specifically height iykyk). That being said, I am a second gen Holocaust survivor and with everything in the world the way it is, it is not so much a matter of preference (my kids will be Jewish by my standards either way as it is matrilineal) but a matter of comfort. When you marry someone, you marry their family. Now, I know this is a case by case scenario given who you marry, what their background is, their relationship with their family, etc. but from a stand point of actual safety and more importantly from a standpoint of not having to constantly explain who I am and why I am that way, I don’t think this counts as racism. Plus, Jews come in all different colors and nationalities which I don’t care about, the same as many other religions… I also don’t discriminate against people who are Jewish atheists, more secular and non practicing, or individuals who only have one Jewish parent.
Now that being said, religion is similar but not the same as race. If you are black and want to be with someone who is also black due to the same safety and comfort reasons of not explaining who you are and why you are the way you are, that’s understandable. But not all Black people have the same experiences (same reason USSC just said race isn’t a good indicator of diverse experience for AA reasons, but I digress). To that extent, being with someone just because of their skin color or religion does not guarantee understanding and comfort.
So yes, I believe people should expand their comfort zone or considerations of who to date, but I also don’t think limiting your dating pool by race or religion is inherently racist or wrong. Of course, people wanting to date within their same religion or race might toe the line — for example, someone may be a colorist—only want to be with someone lighter/darker than them in same race—and that would definitely be racist, or in my case—not dating a black person who meets my criteria of being Jewish solely because of his race—would be racist, but otherwise, not racist.
TLDR: not racist, unless specific issues like light/dark colorism or other example
My Catholic-raised wife just threw an epic bat mitzvah for my daughter this weekend and gave a teary speech on the bimah, so perhaps there's more ways to achieve your dream than you've imagined, Hannah.
Mazel Tov! That is so incredible for your daughter and family.
Perhaps I miscommunicated—my intention was not to say that a non-Jewish spouse (or non-like spouse of any race or religion) cannot and will not ever understand. That’s why I said it’s a case by case basis. I only just meant to say that there is an innate level of comfort that comes with what we know and what is “like” to us, purely on a biological and psychological level. It does not mean it is not worth teaching others or that they cannot understand or appreciate, it just means that sometimes people do not want to put in the time or effort to explain or otherwise lack the capacity to effectively do so in order to establish that base level of comfort in a new relationship with no background exposure or context.
Looking forward to our coaching session later 😊
So what do you suggest Black women do? Black women want to date men on par with themselves but oftentimes online they are shown the lowest quality men (who express openness to them - look at Hinge and Black women. The Algorithms don't show Black women the best men). Given the smaller number of men open to Black women at all should they settle for men who are less educated men? Should they settle for men much older or who make significantly less than they do? This is what people have suggested educated, accomplished Black women do for at least the past 30 years (and just watch any Tyler Perry movie where the Black female lawyer is encouraged to date the bus driver and/or punished when she doesn't) and you know what? It doesn't work for exactly the reasons you'd expect.
While many Black women are increasingly open to non-Black and in particular white men (there's a whole Internet dating coach sub-industry around this developing. Look up: Anwar White) the message needs to get out and any white man who finds a Black woman attractive but doesn't approach should ask himself why and to examine of those reasons are really substantive or just going along with what everyone does/what he thinks they'll do it approve of.
I knew a gay guy who openly said that he didn't date Black men. Maybe 3 years, maybe 5 years later he was *married* to a Black man. It's been like 10 years and they're still married.
Imagine where he'd be if he'd stuck to his ban on Black men...
No one has ever said to "settle." Ultimately, you have to make the most of what you've got. But I think, given your perspective that there are few quality black men, you'd be more effective in opening up to willing white men than in telling white men that they SHOULD be willing. That's my only point. I don't think you can tell anyone who to be attracted to or date. You can engage in a conversation. You can get people to admit unconscious bias. But it'd be hard for anyone to force attraction to anyone.
I just wanted to chime in to say I do feel you on the app algorithms. I did a little "experiment" last time I signed up for Hinge, where I just scrolled through the discover feed for a week without liking anyone's profiles. Only preferences I set were location and age, but I was only served profiles of white men. Was marked as "most compatible" with only white men. Again, despite me never liking any man's, much less a white man's, profile.
I get that Hinge wants to serve the "most popular" profiles, but I feel like there was no consideration of race when creating that algorithm. Because obviously due to racism, both overt from outside the community and internalized, not as many people are interested in dating people of color, so of course a POC man's profile is not gonna show up in the first several hundred profiles unless you explicitly filter them in/out, whatever way you wanna look at it. Seriously annoying!
I haven't experienced it but I'd totally feel that way if I were in your shoes.
Just for some context, I'm speaking from my experience as a POC, but I don't speak for all POC.
As mentioned in the post, there's a difference between wanting to date someone of the same race/religion because you want that shared cultural experience vs wanting to date someone of the same race/religion because you look down upon others who are unlike you or whatever other ignorant trope. I think my issue with the conversation about interracial and interfaith relationships is that so many people are afraid to look at themselves in the mirror and question their biases - all of us have them. To combat any prejudice we need to start getting honest with ourselves.
Also I feel like my dating choices as a POC are way more scrutinized. No one ever asks my white friends why they only date other white people, just like how no one ever questions why white people generally only hang out with other white people. Why am I always the one questioned, when I'm the one that's open to dating guys of any race and religion?
With that said, I still try my best to not get too mad about it. I put in the work everyday to combat racism, unpack my biases, and surround myself with wonderful people that come from a variety of cultures, so I have no reason to feel insecure or defensive. I also love discussions around these topics, so I'm trying to be patient with (mainly white) people that are still coming around to digging deeper on these things.
I hope it's clear from my post that I wouldn't scrutinize your choices. I would do exactly what I do with my white clients; I'd ask you to consider lowering your height requirement, income requirement, education requirement and raising your max age range - to be open to the maximum number of people. And if that didn't produce enough results, we'd consider opening up on race as well. Ultimately, the client makes the choice. But I applaud you for already being open in a way that many people are not. That says something about you.
Absolutely! My biggest takeaway from this post, and most of the other posts you write, is that you can only change your circumstances or perspective, not the other person's. If a potential partner is from a different ethnicity, race, or religion than me, then I don't expect them to understand every little part of my background. But I expect a certain level of open-mindedness and enthusiasm, because my culture shaped me to be the person I am today, the person they supposedly want to love. If they can't meet me there, then I'm just on to the next one. No more bending over backwards trying to be a people pleaser!
Yes. I can't tell you how important it was to my wife that I come to Christmas mass with her family when we first got married. Nor how important it was to my mother when my daughter got bat mitzvahed. It's tricky and personal - but as long as the couple can find a compromise they can live with - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
I bet one of those dating experts in that Facebook group was Damona Hoffman because she talks about Race in her excellent book “F the fairytale.” I admit that particular section of her book annoyed the heck out of me and I stopped listening at that point. I knew exactly why I was annoyed. I’ve been told for years it’s okay to have preferences and now I’m a racist for having preferences? It is making me think though. I am going to relisten and finish Damona’s book.
Really interesting topic and one I’ve thought about a lot as a black woman. True story: Back in 2019 I was on Match and some sort of glitch occurred in their system where, for about 12 hours, the filters chosen by the men were visible on their profiles. I was astonished at the amount of guys who checked “white” only or even worse, checked every race except black (what even is pan-pacific lol). If I’m not your type, cool, no problem but it felt like they were also disparaging my mom, sister, grandma and a lot of my friends with these preferences. Are those men racist? Possibly, but maybe they are just benignly prejudiced because of the very legitimate reasons you mentioned regarding cultural competency and engaging with the unfamiliar. Bottom line, I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me, and the explicit or underlying reason doesn’t ultimately matter. Side note: I noticed several guys who had responded to my messages also had their preferences set to filter out blacks so . . . 🤔
a. Fascinating. b. great attitude about not wanting those who don't want you. c. People override their stated preferences all the time.
Great thought-provoking topic and your take on it is spot on! I know this is not exactly the same topic/issue, but this situation can also apply to any other preferences in dating, where people can be dismissed in dating for a variety of other reasons (some can feel like biases, discrimination, and stereotypes), and therefore miss out on getting to know someone amazing. For example, I have a few tattoos and love heavy metal music. A single friend recently told me no offense, but she would never a date a man who liked/had those two things. I felt that even though her statement was her preference, it did make me feel a bit offended, as if liking heavy metal music and having tattoos makes me a bad partner. Fortunately, I am married. I just thought that in her ruling out something so trivial in the grand scheme of things, it further narrows down her dating pool to exclude people who aren't like me among other things. I think people should try to be at least a little more open minded. I understand attraction cannot be controlled, but such traits as music preferences have absolutely nothing to do with attraction. Perhaps that's why I have not had difficulty in the dating world because I am open minded. To each their own I guess.
It's definitely easier in dating if you're open minded. The hard part is changing a closed mind...
I was trying REALLY hard.
LOL 😂