On Getting Ghosted

The Story Behind The Story

As a born-and-bred New Yorker, I take pride in the fact that my word means something.

That doesn’t mean that all New Yorkers are high-integrity, but it may mean that, on the whole, the culture of Los Angeles has long been more forgiving of flaky behavior.

It jolted me hard when I first moved here at age 24. Once, when a friend canceled plans with me on Friday night at 7pm just because “he wasn’t feeling like it,” I told him it wasn’t cool to leave me hanging with no plans. That was the last time he ever spoke to me.

Nearly 30 years have passed. I haven’t changed much. If I get invited to something, I say yes. If I say yes, I go to the event. I don’t double book. I don’t wait for something better to come along. I don’t make up an excuse on the day of the event if I don’t feel like it.

Honestly, I feel like a relic. The rest of the world has turned into Los Angeles.

Clients routinely cancel their calls at the last minute. Potential prospects no-show while I sit on Zoom for 10 minutes. Friends’ RSVPs are more of a suggestion than a declaration. Whether I like it or not, this behavior is ubiquitous. It’s up to ME to change.

For years, I fought that change - up until last week.

I had spoken with a potential client in spring who told me to circle back with her in summer. Instead of setting up another Zoom call, I offered to meet her in person.

Since I’m leaning into IRL interactions, it just felt right.

Sure enough, I got to Starbucks on time. I took a seat. I waited. I looked at my phone. I had confirmed the meeting the day before so I knew we were still on. Despite vast experience being stood up on Zoom, I had little experience being stood up IRL. After five minutes, I decided to call.

I got her on the first ring. She sounded surprised - and shaken. Turns out that the reason she didn’t remember our meeting was that she had to suddenly put her dog down. She was - in her words - an emotional wreck.

I shifted instantaneously from aggravated to deeply sympathetic. I’m a dog owner, a dog lover, and can easily get moved to tears. This poor woman just lost her beloved fur baby - the one constant in her life post-divorce. Of course she’s a mess.

Then it hit me: (belatedly, but still:)

Everybody’s got shit going on.

We don’t always know what it is but it’s always there.

And when I think my stuff is the most important thing in the world - my Zoom meeting, my party, my business deal - I’m failing to understand the totality of other people’s existence.

I’m not going to throw good manners to the wind. I still believe in commitment, communication, and integrity. But I just got a glimpse into my own blind spot and didn’t like what I saw - a man who forgot that everyone is doing the best he or she can.

Big takeaway: When people disappoint or disappear, it’s rarely about you. And your first step - before anything - should be to summon as much sympathy and understanding.

One day, you’re going to want someone to have that sympathy and understanding for YOU.

Love,

Evan