The Definition of Insanity

There's knowing what to do. And then there's DOING it.

This is a special, heartfelt, Lovesplaining. It’s not going to have all the sections as normal Friday posts. It’s a call to action for anyone who feels stuck.

The world we live in is a great paradox.

According to Steven Pinker in The Better Angels of Our Nature, there’s never been a better time to be alive.

World hunger is down. World literacy is up. Despite real and persistent problems, there’s been incredible progress for women, people of color, and the LGBTQ community, as compared to the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s. Technology has enabled us to hold the world in our hands in the form of cell phones, connecting us in ways that we never imagined possible.

Yet, I can’t help but feel that the rise in technology is also the biggest problem we face. Political polarization. Short attention spans. Infinite options. The tyranny of small differences, in which we find one minor disagreement with a friend or public figure and immediately write them off.

As humans who came from hunter/gatherer tribes of 150 people, we were not born to be brands, celebrities, and influencers. Yet social media has turned everyone into a public figure, and in doing so, we’ve lost a common humanity.

I can feel it. I think you can feel it, too.

You feel it when you’re working remotely on Zoom.

You feel it when you’re scrolling on Instagram.

You DEFINITELY feel it when you’re swiping on dating apps.

Something is missing. It’s disconnected. It’s chaotic. And I think we’re all trying to make sense of it simultaneously. Which brings to mind a series of conversations I’ve had with readers and listeners in the past week.

One read my first book about online dating in 2003.

One has been on my mailing list since her divorce in 2016.

One has taken many online courses about spirituality and personal growth.

One has listened to ALL of my podcasts.

None of them are in happy, healthy relationships.

When asked about how they felt about this, they said, quite consistently that they were stuck, confused, frustrated, exhausted, sad, and lonely.

Not all the time, of course. Everyone took great pains to explain they had meaningful work, friends they loved, and passions they pursued.

But when it comes to dating and relationships, those were the words they used. Then there are the questions that run through their heads at night: “What’s wrong with me?” “Why is this so hard?” “I can’t find anyone attractive.” “Where are all the good men?” “Am I going to be alone forever?”

These aren’t pleasant thoughts but based on my 20 years of listening to women, they’re normal feelings to have as a single woman.

If any of that feels true to you, I understand. We are at a crisis point of human wellness, and a lot of it is driven by the internet. We have infinite amounts of information. You can listen to dozens of dating and relationship podcasts, subscribe to hundreds of dating and relationship influencers on Instagram, TikTok or YouTube. You can, for free, learn everything there is to know about dating and relationships, masculine and feminine energy, ghosting, breadcrumbing, attachment styles, dating apps, toxic narcissists, childhood trauma, and when to have sex with him.

All my readers were well-versed in these concepts. They’ve spent many years listening, learning, absorbing, healing, and learning to love themselves.

What they haven’t been doing: finding lasting love.

So they remain single, listening to advice as ambient background noise, while feeling like they’re missing out on something essential in life: partnership.

If it’s not clear, I have no judgment towards these women. They are overwhelmed by information and paralyzed by fear.

But they’re caught up in the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Listening to a new podcast isn’t doing something different. Following a new YouTube channel isn’t doing something different. Liking and sharing funny memes on Instagram about how dating is frustrating isn’t doing something different.

There’s a massive gap between KNOWING something and LIVING something. Take, for example: weight loss.

40% of Americans are considered overweight. The U.S. diet industry is worth $72 billion. Most people who are overweight have struggled with this issue for most of their lives.

Question: do you think there’s a single overweight person who doesn’t know how to lose weight?

I don’t.

I think weight loss is hard for a lot of reasons - many having to do with genetics. But the main reason that weight loss is hard is that it requires constant discipline - not just to diet for a short period of time but to create a healthier lifestyle in the long run.

I see choosing a better partner as the EXACT same thing.

It’s not your fault that your Mom was controlling or that your Dad split when you were 7. It’s not your fault that you were constantly criticized or verbally abused. It’s not your fault that you have shaky self-esteem and an anxious attachment style. It’s not your fault that you’ve never got to experience what healthy masculine love looks and feels like.

Most of us are born into dysfunction. But, like being born heavy or being fed unhealthy foods as a kid, it doesn’t have to be that way forever.

You have a choice.

Basically: there is advice and then there’s the implementation of the advice.

I can tell you to operate from a place of confidence and abundance. I can tell you to date online for a half hour per day. I can tell you to give a chance to a 5’9” guy and not to get overly excited about a rich guy. I can tell you to listen to your feelings because they don’t lie.

You already know this. Has your life changed yet?

If not, you have to do something different to get a different result.

Stop using dating apps the way you’ve been using them, which are maddening and don’t produce results.

Use old-school values and courtship to screen men for quality and listen to your feelings of anxiety when you’re dating him.

And finally, GET SUPPORT - not just listening to advice but having someone hold your hand to ensure you start LIVING the advice.

To demonstrate that I want you to do something different, I’m offering a limited number of 30-minute slots for free private coaching. No sales. Just asking about you, what you’re struggling with, and how to get what you want.

If you’re a smart, successful woman who is serious about FINDING love NOW - not just reading about it - drop a comment below and we’ll talk soon.

Love,

Evan