The Trick to Confidence in Dating Is...
...a lot easier than you think.
It’s normal to want people to like you.
God knows, when I was dating, I could get consumed with it.
I remember meeting one such woman on JDate back in 2002. She was getting her doctorate at UCLA. She wrote long emails that dazzled me with their wit.
I remember talking to her on the phone and tingling with excitement.
I had finally met my match – the woman who could inspire me to new heights, put me in my place, and challenge me to be a better person.
I remember telling my roommate about her, showing him her profile, and recapping our conversations. What epic conversations! They lasted for hours and were teasers of the banter we would enjoy for the rest of our lives.
In my excitement and vulnerability, I confessed on the phone that I was excited to meet her. She knew. Of course, she knew!
Our first date was at a local bar with stiff drinks and loud music.
She wore something black and low cut. We slid in at opposite sides of the booth, separated by only a lone votive candle. She was as sexy as her photos.
We talked for a good hour, downing a couple of drinks. I marveled at how impressive she was. She seemed to have it all together, while I, a struggling screenwriter, wasn’t as effortlessly confident as she was.
At the end of the night, I picked up the check and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
I emailed the next day to tell her I had fun.
I called her the day after.
And emailed the day after that.
You already know the rest: she wasn’t that into me.
I couldn’t believe it, so I did what made sense to me at the time.
I wrote a long email trying to figure out what happened.
I told her that I was confused because we had a decent date.
I told her that if the positions were reversed, I would call her back.
I told her I was just being honest about my feelings for her, which shouldn’t be held against me.
In short, I let my inner fifth grader out and lived to regret it.
This was before I was a dating coach, but it doesn’t matter. I acted like a lovesick puppy to a stranger from the internet, and then expressed surprise that she didn’t find me as attractive as I found her.
This is what happens when you put someone up on a pedestal.
Have you ever put a man up on a pedestal?
Have you ever been so impressed with him that you couldn’t be yourself: confident, funny, playful?
It happens to the best of us, but that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.
Think about how YOU felt when someone acted that way towards you.
Kind of uncomfortable, isn’t it?
A stranger thinks you walk on water and you should find it APPEALING?
Praise is nice. Unsolicited praise from someone who covets you and overestimates you is kind of creepy.
So what’s the cure for this disease that afflicts all of us - getting disproportionately excited by a stranger and losing our cool?
It’s as simple as shifting your thinking.
Assume the answer is yes.
Assume that every person who meets you is going to like you.
Assume that you’re attractive enough, smart enough, funny enough.
Assume that it’s up to YOU whether you go out on a second date.
Assume that it’s up to YOU whether you go out on a second date.
That way, you’ve got nothing to worry about. You don’t have to impress.
You can just be yourself and it’s going to be okay.
Once I stopped worrying about second dates, I always got second dates.
I became more comfortable in my own skin.
I became less impressed with total strangers.
I learned that I was good enough as I was.
You are, too. And if you know it, your date will know it as well.
I recall another date two years later. The woman had Googled me and read my first book, and she was nervous about going out with “the dating expert.”
I told her I didn’t see why. We had already exchanged some emails and had a phone call. I promised I’d look like my picture and that I’d be a perfect gentleman, so what was there to worry about?
“You don’t worry about whether your dates are going to like you?” she asked.
I paused, both surprised and amused at my own answer.
“No. Actually, I don’t.”
“Really?” she said.
“Maybe it’s foolish,” I replied, “but I always assume that if I’m being myself, there’s no reason you wouldn’t like me. And if you don’t like me, there’s not much I can do about it, so why worry?”
This was a far cry from when I was begging a stranger for validation.
The crazy part was that I was pretty much the same guy I was before. I still hadn’t found love. I still hadn’t made money. I still wanted people to like me.
What changed? My mindset.
Suddenly, I was operating from a place of confidence.
No longer was I fawning over beautiful women, telling them how lucky I was to be in their presence.
I was just being myself – the same guy I was around my college friends, the same guy I was around my mom and sister.
There was nothing to think about. This was me – take it or leave it!
Though I continued to get ignored by many women online, though I would have first dates that didn’t result in second dates, though I was still sad for a few days after my calls were ignored, that was as far as it went.
I let go of the agony by choosing confidence.
You can, too.
There’s nothing wrong with you if someone doesn’t like you.
There’s only something wrong if you try too hard to make someone like you.
There’s nothing wrong with you if someone doesn’t like you.
There’s only something wrong if you try too hard to make someone like you.
Unfortunately, people fall into a binary way of thinking on first dates.
You’re either awed by how attractive he is and hope he chooses you OR…
You spend the date trying to figure out what’s wrong with him - asking him questions that function as a not-so-secret litmus test for the role of future husband: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” “What are you looking for in a partner?” “Are you close with your family?”
Your fears may be real, but if you’ve ever been interviewed by a man on a date, you can see why this isn’t an effective strategy to make a connection.
That’s why I recommend you treat first dates the way you treat strangers sitting next to you on an airplane: warmly, with a sense of curiosity.
By not worrying if the guy in 32B is your future husband, you can let down your guard, rather than asking him questions from a place of fear. Being relaxed and trusting brings out a better side in you and a better side in him.
When you assume the answer is YES and that your date is going to like you no matter what, you can never go wrong.
All it takes is believing it.
Click here to get the confidence to ALWAYS be yourself on a date.
What I Got Wrong
Author and fellow Substacker, Danielle Crittenden, shared her thoughts about why expressing sympathy for men can ring tone-deaf for women.
I think since the Trump era and the rise of misogyny, including banning abortion and hunting women down (and I say that not as a super fervent supporter of abortion although lately I’m becoming that way!) younger women are feeling under siege in a way they haven’t for two generations. Couple that with the fact that so many young men don’t have a clue how to behave (for so many reasons…) and I think a lot of women are just fed up. As my daughter Bea said, “I have issues too but I’m not an asshole about it.”
Danielle writes about relationships and feminism, has been married to the political pundit David Frum for 35 years, and has raised two well-adjusted adult daughters (and a son) - so I take what she says seriously.
If I’ve written or said something on Lovesplaining that doesn’t resonate with you, I encourage you to share your feelings below:
You Can Also See Me On…
See The Upside with Nina Blaicher.
In this podcast, we go into all the ways to show up as the highest and best version of yourself in dating and relationships. I share simple (but not always easy) ways to be more intentional in our dating and relationships - getting you closer to finding that deep soul connection and how to recognize it when it shows up. (Hint - it's all about paying attention to how you feel.)
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - Dead To Me - The first two seasons were black comedy at its finest. I won’t give any spoilers about the plot twists that keep this interesting. What should drive you toward this show is the deep, complicated friendship between the two leads, played by Christina Applegate and Linda Cardellini. When TV is both moving and humorous, it’s well worth your time.
Movies - Plus One - I used to write romantic comedies back when Julia Roberts and Meg Ryan were the biggest stars in Hollywood. So I still have a soft spot for a genre that hasn’t had much mainstream success recently. This is a little gem about two 30-year-olds who agree to be each others’ “plus one” for the ten weddings they’re attending that year. Like all rom-coms, it’s formulaic, but unlike many of them, this is actually funny.
Books - This is How You Lose Her - by Junot Diaz - The author has a singular voice, point of view, and command of language, which is why his most famous book, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, became a phenomenon. He also just started a Substack, which means, that between the two of us, we’ve got one Pulitzer Prize.
Substack - In Defense of Describable Dating Docs - by Scott Alexander - You need two things to read Astral Codex Ten: a lot of intelligence and a lot of time. In this piece, the author cites a recent New York Times article about people writing up long-form profiles in Google Docs to share with potential dates. The phenomenon is a little weird but honestly, anything has to be better than trying to converse with a man based on his one-line Tinder bio.
The Honey Shot
Gari is a favorite Love U love story. Rough background. 60, never married, no kids. Struggled with weight and self-esteem issues. Now she’s engaged, God bless her. I’m so happy that she persevered and trusted our process.
If you’ve struggled with love your entire life, you can rewrite your script, too.
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A screenshot of a guy’s text message? A Honey Shot? Click here, comment below, or email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
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