Good idea. Except men (like me) who want kids often set narrow search criteria that top out at 35-38. 40 is a legitimately tough age for women to date.
She can also get on top of her fertility by taking supplements, making sure her body is ready, explore egg freezing, or consider having a child on her own and finding love after.
I hope this lady finds what she wants. Tbh 40 is not “old” apart from wanting biological children. Also Evan I did dated a guy with 2 kids but he couldn’t let go “of regret getting married”. By way I am 44 so there is a lot of negativity with divorced chaps in their 40’s. Very challenging for someone who never been married/no children like me.
So could you comment on this? Keep up the good work!!!
I hope she does, too. As for you @Priscilla Rampazzo - the next guy has nothing to do with the last guy. You may have valid reasons to feel negative but, at any point, you can choose to date exclusively men who want to get married. Really. You don’t have to suffer and wonder.
The advice to put love first is spot on. I married this year at 40 to a 44-year-old divorced father with two adult kids. If we had met when we were in our early 30s I think we would have tried to have children. But I do not want to cut our honeymoon short to satisfy latent maternal urges, which I’ve never felt particularly strongly. I want to enjoy my time with my new life partner! It took me 20 years to find him and I pray that we will spend at least as many years together (my father died of cancer in his early 60s, so I know that life is short.)
My husband and I started dating when I was 36. Having had a series of failed serious relationships in my 20s & 30s, with my most recent relationship to a man 10 years younger than me ending when I was 34, I was resigned to remaining single for as long as it took to find a suitable life partner, including indefinitely if one didn’t materialize. Like the letter writer, I look much younger than my age and had no trouble attracting younger men, but my fertility was dwindling nonetheless. I knew my options were constrained by this fact. At 36, I prioritized what I could control. I got my emotional, physical, and financial priorities in order. I purchased a house. And I was very discerning in dating because my end goal was clear and I knew I had my entire life to achieve it.
I remembered a quote, “There are those who spend their whole lives searching for love. And those lives are not wasted.”
I never put a time limit on finding love that was constrained by my fertility. Women over the age of 38 who do that make a serious mistake, in my opinion. It’s not realistic to expect a man who wants children to make the decision to have them with *you* immediately. Just like it’s not realistic for anyone to know that they want to marry someone in the early months of dating. It took me a 2 years to be certain that I wanted to marry my husband, but once I made that decision, there was no looking back.
When you are pushing 40 you don’t have 5+ years of natural fertility left. At most you have 3-5. Men know this and they will date younger women because it’s prudent. This is especially true when you are meeting people online rather than in real life.
We are not all entitled to have our own biological children. And even then we aren’t entitled to having the perfectly healthy children of our fantasies. (one of my husband’s children has profound autism, is nonverbal, cannot feed, dress or toilet herself and it’s institutionalized, for example.)
A lot of people think that I am child free by choice but this is not true. Circumstances led me to not have my own biological children with my husband. It’s true that I could attempt to get pregnant now but I don’t want to be a mother to an infant in my 40s. Rather than feeling like my life is deficient, I am so thankful that I have an incredible husband to share it with! Sure, I could have kids now if I would’ve married one of my ex boyfriends, but then I would’ve ended up in an unhappy marriage, divorced, and still in search of love!
Thanks for the thoughtful comment and personal anecdote. Stories like yours, to me, are inspiring because they illustrate the many ways we have to find love. I can acknowledge that for someone who really wants biological children, letting go of the original dream isn’t easy. But it may be ultimately more rewarding than becoming a working single mom of twins with no one to help support you or build memories with you.
I also spend each holiday with my husband’s side of the family, which includes his two sisters, each of whom have three children ranging in age from three through 21, plus his parents, aunts and uncles, and his 93-year-old grandmother. I do not want for family or children during the holidays. I am surrounded by them!
I find the advice that many middle-aged single women are offered to have a child on their own to be shortsighted. Yes, there are many wonderful single mothers and increasingly women have the material resources to support a child on their own, but we underestimate the importance of having the emotional and financial support of a partner in raising children, plus the indispensability of fathers in the healthy emotional development of children.
Can’t push love or children. Relax and enjoy the ride. The grass is not always greener at your friends place, as they say. Do what you love, the rest will follow.
I am so happy to hear that you feel that way Evan, but I do have a friend who regrets having kids. And I've seen studies ranging from 5 to up to 30% spend more time wishing they didn't have kids or have less kids than feeling they made the right choice. I think it's just hard for a lot of people to admit directly, with good reason. That said, most of my friends are visibly enthralled with their children and would never look back. I think it depends, although more people than not DON'T regret the decision, to imply that no one does is off the mark, I think
Good idea. Except men (like me) who want kids often set narrow search criteria that top out at 35-38. 40 is a legitimately tough age for women to date.
She can also get on top of her fertility by taking supplements, making sure her body is ready, explore egg freezing, or consider having a child on her own and finding love after.
Thank god we have an expert in the comments! Welcome @Amy!
I hope this lady finds what she wants. Tbh 40 is not “old” apart from wanting biological children. Also Evan I did dated a guy with 2 kids but he couldn’t let go “of regret getting married”. By way I am 44 so there is a lot of negativity with divorced chaps in their 40’s. Very challenging for someone who never been married/no children like me.
So could you comment on this? Keep up the good work!!!
I hope she does, too. As for you @Priscilla Rampazzo - the next guy has nothing to do with the last guy. You may have valid reasons to feel negative but, at any point, you can choose to date exclusively men who want to get married. Really. You don’t have to suffer and wonder.
The advice to put love first is spot on. I married this year at 40 to a 44-year-old divorced father with two adult kids. If we had met when we were in our early 30s I think we would have tried to have children. But I do not want to cut our honeymoon short to satisfy latent maternal urges, which I’ve never felt particularly strongly. I want to enjoy my time with my new life partner! It took me 20 years to find him and I pray that we will spend at least as many years together (my father died of cancer in his early 60s, so I know that life is short.)
My husband and I started dating when I was 36. Having had a series of failed serious relationships in my 20s & 30s, with my most recent relationship to a man 10 years younger than me ending when I was 34, I was resigned to remaining single for as long as it took to find a suitable life partner, including indefinitely if one didn’t materialize. Like the letter writer, I look much younger than my age and had no trouble attracting younger men, but my fertility was dwindling nonetheless. I knew my options were constrained by this fact. At 36, I prioritized what I could control. I got my emotional, physical, and financial priorities in order. I purchased a house. And I was very discerning in dating because my end goal was clear and I knew I had my entire life to achieve it.
I remembered a quote, “There are those who spend their whole lives searching for love. And those lives are not wasted.”
I never put a time limit on finding love that was constrained by my fertility. Women over the age of 38 who do that make a serious mistake, in my opinion. It’s not realistic to expect a man who wants children to make the decision to have them with *you* immediately. Just like it’s not realistic for anyone to know that they want to marry someone in the early months of dating. It took me a 2 years to be certain that I wanted to marry my husband, but once I made that decision, there was no looking back.
When you are pushing 40 you don’t have 5+ years of natural fertility left. At most you have 3-5. Men know this and they will date younger women because it’s prudent. This is especially true when you are meeting people online rather than in real life.
We are not all entitled to have our own biological children. And even then we aren’t entitled to having the perfectly healthy children of our fantasies. (one of my husband’s children has profound autism, is nonverbal, cannot feed, dress or toilet herself and it’s institutionalized, for example.)
A lot of people think that I am child free by choice but this is not true. Circumstances led me to not have my own biological children with my husband. It’s true that I could attempt to get pregnant now but I don’t want to be a mother to an infant in my 40s. Rather than feeling like my life is deficient, I am so thankful that I have an incredible husband to share it with! Sure, I could have kids now if I would’ve married one of my ex boyfriends, but then I would’ve ended up in an unhappy marriage, divorced, and still in search of love!
Thanks for the thoughtful comment and personal anecdote. Stories like yours, to me, are inspiring because they illustrate the many ways we have to find love. I can acknowledge that for someone who really wants biological children, letting go of the original dream isn’t easy. But it may be ultimately more rewarding than becoming a working single mom of twins with no one to help support you or build memories with you.
I also spend each holiday with my husband’s side of the family, which includes his two sisters, each of whom have three children ranging in age from three through 21, plus his parents, aunts and uncles, and his 93-year-old grandmother. I do not want for family or children during the holidays. I am surrounded by them!
I find the advice that many middle-aged single women are offered to have a child on their own to be shortsighted. Yes, there are many wonderful single mothers and increasingly women have the material resources to support a child on their own, but we underestimate the importance of having the emotional and financial support of a partner in raising children, plus the indispensability of fathers in the healthy emotional development of children.
Hello, 60 and childless here...and happy😁
Can’t push love or children. Relax and enjoy the ride. The grass is not always greener at your friends place, as they say. Do what you love, the rest will follow.
I love being a Dad and I don’t know anyone who regrets their kids but plenty of studies show childless people are happier. Lots more time and money!
I am so happy to hear that you feel that way Evan, but I do have a friend who regrets having kids. And I've seen studies ranging from 5 to up to 30% spend more time wishing they didn't have kids or have less kids than feeling they made the right choice. I think it's just hard for a lot of people to admit directly, with good reason. That said, most of my friends are visibly enthralled with their children and would never look back. I think it depends, although more people than not DON'T regret the decision, to imply that no one does is off the mark, I think