What If I'm a Machete?
A strange question with a not-so-satisfying answer by the best advice columnist ever.
Link That Made Me Think
Heather Havrilesky is the GOAT of advice columnists.
A fellow Duke graduate from the early ’90s, I’ve watched her career closely. From Salon to New York Magazine to Substack, Heather’s made her name as a loquacious, straight-talking advocate for women. She is deeply empathetic and speaks to the pain women feel far better than I do.
Havrilesky has gotten the most attention for her Ask Polly column and for the hubbub around her book, Foreverland: On the Divine Tedium of Marriage. Most famously, she published a piece in the New York Times in which she criticizes her husband while declaring him her favorite person. This, in and of itself, isn’t unusual. Familiarity can breed contempt and building a life with someone can be challenging. The reason Havrilesky’s piece went viral was that it sounded like she had more contempt than love for her husband.
This is what makes Havrilesky so compelling and readable. She lays herself bare on the page mercilessly, column after column, never afraid to share a peek inside her messy mind. She’s all but invented having “no fucks to give.”
Havrilesky’s unparalleled ability to air her dirty laundry gives permission for other women to feel more fully themselves.
This is a good thing - especially for women who have contorted themselves to become people pleasers without ever being pleased themselves. Her Ask Polly columns regularly make me want to scream, “Yes!!” at the end, when she exhorts her anxious and shame-filled readers to embrace themselves, speak their minds, and feel their feelings, the world be damned.
Then I read this a few weeks ago - and I couldn’t get it out of my mind.
It’s called “What If I’m a Machete?” and the woman who writes the question is quite self-aware. She notes that she’s highly emotional and gets disproportionately upset at small things.
Whenever someone tries to kindly point out that I'm overthinking things, I get upset and sad because I'm not hearing them and their perfectly reasonable opinion, I'm hearing my parents' voices in my head, saying "You're not good enough! You'll never be good enough!" And then, of course, I get upset and sad because I still haven't healed my childhood trauma, even though I've been in therapy for over a year at this point…
I look at the people I know who are my age and are so much more mature and well-adjusted than I am, and I can't understand why any reasonable, well-adjusted, not mentally unstable guy would want to date me over all those other people.
You always talk about sharp knives and steady drawers. But is there ever such a thing as a knife that is too sharp for a drawer? What about machetes? What about katanas? Are there ever any circumstances where you think a knife would benefit from blunting itself a tad? If so, how can I do that?
This is where, as an advice columnist, I would validate the reader’s feelings, compliment her emotional intelligence, and encourage her to continue to sand down her rough edges instead of having reactionary meltdowns that drive guys away. I believe it’s more effective to get along with others than it is to be “right” and wonder why people walk on eggshells around you.
That is not what Ask Polly said. She said to embrace being a machete.
You could argue that my attitude is UNHEALTY. You could even assert that my job giving long-winded advice is UNHEALTHY. You could argue that getting worked up over stupid little things is not smart or relaxing. I would mostly agree with all of the above. But I also have to say that, as a machete, my picture is a little different from some other pictures. As a MACHETE (okay now I’m yelling, sorry), I find it relaxing to tell you that I want to kick your parents and I also find it relaxing to guess that their taste sucks.
To be fair, Havrilesky wrote a lot more than that. She smartly realizes that “being a machete” is simply how she’s wired and she encourages forgiveness and compassion instead of feeling bad all the time.
I can improve my behavior because I forgive myself. I can handle rejection because I know it’s not personal, and I can tolerate my occasional anxious feelings, or my longing, or my certainty that something someone does is not GOOD ENOUGH for me, because I remind myself often that taking things too personally and caring too much are just part of my wiring and that’s okay and forgivable.
This is true. It’s validating to realize that we’re all flawed and must always work around our flaws in one way or another.
But the reason I’m posting this is that the author’s solution for the woman who frequently flies off the handle is mostly: just love yourself.
And I want you to say to yourself, every single goddamn time, “THIS IS JUST WHO I AM. I notice a lot and I feel a lot and I want to slice it all up into tiny ribbons for fun. I AM A MACHETE.”
I want you to savor how good you are at slicing, either on the page when you’re writing or around someone else who slices.
I want you to HAVE FUN BEING A MACHETE.
The more you have fun being a machete, the more relaxed you’ll be. You will never NOT be a machete, and you will never NOT discover rejection and longing in weird places, places no one else can see it, and you will never NOT hallucinate rejection and unworthiness in places where it absolutely does not exist…
I’m all for radical self-love. But this is not merely self-love. It’s disdain for others who don’t want to play with machetes.
Only unnaturally stupid, evil people would tell you that noticing everything and caring a lot is bad. The more honor and respect you give to your true adorable, freakish monster nature, the more love you give to your deeply lovely and delicious overgrown baby self, who should never be like any other child for any reason under the sun, the more you will bring light and joy and goodness into the world in inventive and divine ways….
If your son was a bully at school, you certainly wouldn’t want him to feel like a bad kid, but you WOULD talk with him about managing his feelings better.
The tone of this machete column suggests that the boy who can’t control his anger is misunderstood, and the primary remedy is for him to appreciate his combative nature and honor his hair-trigger temper.
I’m not so sure about that.
Validating people’s feelings is important. Building confidence is important. But I don’t think we do any favors by failing to speak the truth. Let’s switch genders:
If a man doesn’t pick up the check, he won’t get a second date.
If a man won’t stop talking about his ex, he won’t get a second date.
If a man aggressively tries to get laid, he won’t get a second date.
How does “love yourself and the right woman will appreciate you” help this man?
It doesn’t. And neither does 4000 words of validation to someone who is clearly getting in her own way when it comes to healthy emotional regulation.
Calling attention to this one column does not negate Havrilesky’s amazing work. I have no doubt that we’d agree on a lot in real life:
Democracy is in peril. Social media is tearing us apart. We need more love and understanding. This is exactly why we should NOT act on our extreme impulses.
Yet the author encourages embracing your edginess and connecting with others who are also difficult and hypersensitive.
You will find the good, shiny, true machetes out there. You will! Look for them, and make sure your edges are shining brilliantly so they can see you clearly, too. You will find yourself one night years from now at a dinner party with machetes everywhere, slicing and dicing with love in their hearts, eviscerating everything but also forgiving the fucking idiots in spite of everything. Forgiving and forgiving and forgiving the motherfucking idiots, but never ever ever ever changing for them, never ever changing one bit. Relaxing more, yes. Letting go more, yes. Fixating less, yes. But never, ever blunting themselves.
Evidently, the worst thing one could be is measured, which Havrilesky seems to read as fake. She doesn’t encourage the reader to take a deep breath. Or to assume positive intent in others. Or to consider that your emotions may not tell the whole truth. Or to have the humility to know that despite your sensitivity, reasonable people may have different points of view without being bad or wrong. Just don’t EVER blunt those sharp edges that make you YOU.
Concludes Havrilesky:
Butter knives are a dime a dozen. It’s the easiest path, to sit peacefully in a regular old drawer with all of the others. You don’t have to polish away scratches and grime. You don’t have to admit when you’re being too heavy, too scary, too much. You don’t have to show yourself to the whole world. Being a machete is embarrassing. You are too shiny, too big, too sharp. Lots of people hate you for no reason.
Try hard not take it personally. Be what you are.
Polly
There it is. Head-scratching advice from a great advice columnist.
Even if what you’re doing isn’t working and rubs everyone else the wrong way, just keep doing it. They don’t get you anyway!
I could not disagree more.
For I, too, am a machete and I’m telling you after 15 years of marriage: the butter knife makes for a MUCH better spouse.
On the Love U Podcast
It's Not Only Men Who Are Emotionally Unavailable
It's commonplace for women to fall in love with men, who, due to a confluence of events, are not emotionally available.
Sometimes, he's separated. Sometimes, he's divorced. Sometimes, he doesn't know what he's looking for. Sometimes, he’s slammed with the normal trials of middle-aged men: loss of work, sickness, dying parents, depressed kids.
That doesn't mean he's a bad guy but it might mean he's a bad guy to date right now. And, if that's the case, doesn't it stand to reason that a few good women might ALSO be emotionally unavailable?
Yes. Yes, it does.
Click below to listen.
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Sure, a lot of guys are disappointing. But it can’t be true that the only quality people left on the planet are women. You’re entitled to your feelings but it doesn’t mean your feelings are an accurate reflection of the dating landscape.
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Thanks Evan for this thought provoking piece. I too WAS a natural born machete who luckily married a butter knife and I am a happier, and MUCH BETTER person for it. Bravo for always being the voice of common sense, reason, and compassion.
I am a butter knife Evan ❤️I know that sometimes I have been quite the doormat. But at the end of the day, most people get rather sweet on me. It has made for a good life. I do believe it what we have learned here in Love U... to but my needs in a higher priority, to lean back and not be too eager. I am finally learning to let a man take care of me. But generally, I have not been a machete.