Why Do Men Still Pay for All Dates?
Men and women are EQUAL. Except for this one thing.
I once went out with a woman three times in a couple of weeks. Even though I was a customer care representative at JDate making $30K and she was a psychologist, I paid for everything, as men do. The first date was $60. The second was $90. The third was brunch the morning after the second date. She’d ordered a dozen bagels and forgotten her wallet. I took care of it. She offered to pick up our next date.
The next day, she called me at work to tell me about a play that sounded fun and asked if I could find out if tickets were available. I called the theater and learned there were only six left. What’s a guy to do? I bought a pair of tickets, figuring she’d get dinner beforehand.
At the end of our $40 Chinese meal, she put down her credit card and went to the bathroom. When she returned, she saw I hadn’t put in my credit card and said, without irony: “What am I, your sugar mama?!”
I love this story - and I’m rehashing it 17 years after I first told it on my blog because of a recent New York Times piece about who pays for first dates.
The article focuses on Gen Z (up to age 27) and discovers that as progressive as the kids are nowadays, old habits die hard. Money quote:
In a paper published in 2023 in Psychological Reports, a peer-reviewed journal, Dr. Luo and a team of researchers surveyed 552 heterosexual college students in Wilmington, N.C., and asked them whether they expected men or women to pay for dates — and whether they, as a man or a woman, typically paid more.
The researchers found that young men paid for all or most of the dates around 90 percent of the time, while women paid only about 2 percent (they split around 8 percent of the time).
Even though women outnumber men in college, law school, and med school…
Even though the wage gap has been closed by young women in major cities…
Even though we tossed the script on gender, sex, and traditional roles…
Women love it when men pay - and if women love it, it makes sense for men to do it. Before I write about this, let’s establish that this is not one of those posts that say “Men are the real oppressed ones here!” We can all hold multiple ideas in our heads at the same time. It remains true that:
Women have to fear sexual assault and men do not.
Men are more likely to resort to anger and violence than women.
Men are rewarded for assertiveness, women are often punished for it.
Women are held to unfair standards of beauty compared to men.
Women are judged for promiscuity in a way that men are not.
Women are underrepresented as the CEOs of Fortune 500 companies.
Women do much more housework and childrearing compared to men.
This is unfair and I wish for a world in which men do better. Yet there’s this one belief that reveals a gaping double standard. The logic goes something like this: “Men and women are equals. We must eradicate outdated gender roles. Except men need to make more money than women and always pay for dates. That’s the one vestige of the 20th century we want to keep.”
No one wants to give up a good thing. Men don’t want to have to share equally in housework and childcare, and despite big strides in the past 50 years, they still don’t. Sure enough, women have made big strides in terms of equality and economic independence. Yet they don’t want to give up old-school courtship and chivalry (or even admit that it’s unfair).
It IS unfair…and that’s okay. There are lots of things that are unfair about being a woman. But let’s not pretend that with two “equal partners”, it makes sense that the one with the penis is expected to pay.
In 2003, I had a girlfriend who owned a duplex in Santa Monica, making $250K/yr as a senior vice president at a big consulting firm. For her birthday, she wanted to go to a 5-star resort in Cabo for $700/night. I was making $50K. She still expected me to pay half. Maybe you think that’s fair. After all, I am a guy. So let’s flip it around: how would you feel if you were dating a man who made 5x more than you and asked you to split the cost of a vacation?
I’m pretty sure you’d think he was a cheap bastard.
But that’s neither here nor there. Historically, women have tended to value money, status, and generosity. Telling women to not value money, status, and generosity is a waste of time, the same way it’s a waste of time to tell men not to value youth and beauty. We can acknowledge that men are attracted to young, fertile women, and women are attracted to men who can provide for their offspring, while also acknowledging the limitations of such worldviews. What happens to women after they’re no longer of childbearing age? What happens when you’re a woman who outearns most men and doesn’t need a man to protect and provide? You’d think we’d collectively learn to pivot - yet men seek women 15 years younger, and successful women still seek the 1% of men who outearn them.
It’s important to acknowledge that there IS value in courtship. It shows that a man is serious about you, that he sees you as an individual, and that he is demonstrating his value as a romantic partner by planning and paying for thoughtful dates. As a coach for women, I prefer when men adhere to this script, as opposed to the swipe/text/meet model which is now dominant.
Thus, a man’s willingness to pay can be seen as a decent proxy for whether he is a selfish player or a serious relationship candidate. Except, of course, when it’s not. There are plenty of inexperienced, clueless, and younger men who aren’t aware of the deep importance that women place on picking up the check. There are also plenty of deep-pocketed cads who know that the only way to get laid is to pay for nice dates.
So what should I do on the first date, Evan?
I’m so glad you asked. While I know how much you love my ruminations on evolutionary psychology and the wage gap, you’re here for dating advice. What follows is the definitive he said/she said to help you understand what men and women think about picking up the cost of the first date.
WOMAN: He should WANT to pay for me.
Yes, and, generally, that is the case. Being generous is an incredible feeling – right up there, I’m told, with having everything paid for by someone else.
MAN: She EXPECTS me to pay for everything.
Yes, and that’s the precedent that was established way before you were born. Don’t fight it, just do it with a smile, because if you don’t, you’re not getting another date.
WOMAN: He SHOULD pay, especially at the beginning.
This logic is a little dicier. Why should a man pay? Because it’s chivalrous? Consider that chivalry started at a time when men worked and women didn’t. Women literally could NOT pay. Thus, men picking up the check sprung out of necessity, not kindness. It has since been codified into a gentleman’s code, which is considered in very poor taste to question. I’m not questioning, but see how upset you are that I’m even bringing it up?
HIM: But SHE asked me out.
So what? If etiquette says you pay for the first date, she expects you to pay for the first date, and you can afford to pay for the first date, then pay for the damn first date.
HER: It’s only fair. I spend a lot of money to look nice for my dates.
You are not buying a new outfit, getting a mani-pedi, getting your hair done, and getting a fresh wax for each first date. If you are, please stop. It’s like a guy springing for a $250 first date, then complaining that most women don’t want to see him again.
HIM: Women only care about how much men spend.
Some women do. But more of them just want to know that you put a little thought into it, that you’re not just meeting for a half-hour to see if there’s chemistry. You don’t have to go to a fancy restaurant; you just have to make an effort to make her feel special, which is hard to do at Starbucks.
HER: It doesn’t matter what he makes. A gentleman always pays. It indicates how he feels about me.
If a guy makes a ton of money, I can assure you, it’s his absolute pleasure to spring for everything. But there’s a big difference between being cheap and being poor. Cheap means the guy asks you to pay for the fish when he orders the less expensive chicken. Poor means the guy has trouble making rent if he has to pay for five dates in a month. It’s healthy to have sympathy for men who aren’t blessed with tons of disposable income, the way you’d want men to have sympathy for the struggles that come with being a woman.
HIM: She doesn’t appreciate what it’s like to feel obligated to pay.
Imagine, as a woman, paying for a standard first date: two appetizers and two rounds of drinks. Now, think of all the awful dates you’ve been on. What percent of those men do you want to meet for a second date? 25%, maybe? So you’re regularly blowing $100/night on men you don’t like and will never see again. That’s what it’s like to be a guy.
So, after reading all that, what’s the “best” way for men and women to handle this eternal dilemma? Here’s my hot take:
The man grabs the check immediately.
The woman does the “fake reach.”
The man waves her off and insists on paying.
The woman thanks him for his generosity.
End of scene.
Presuming the man can safely afford it, this script should play out on every date during the courtship phase. However:
You, as a man, can’t get mad if she doesn’t make the offer to split. If you offer to take her out, expect to pay for the whole thing and do it with a smile.
You, as a woman, can’t get mad if he accepts your reach. If you offer to split, and he lets you split, he has done nothing wrong. It’s not unfair for him to allow you to pay half (although it may be unwise).
One final, overriding note for men: It doesn’t matter if it’s coffee or dinner, whether you make more or she makes more, whether you asked her out or she asked you out. You can never go wrong by paying.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
What I Got Wrong
From last week’s post, How Do I Date at Age 60?
One thing that got me curious now though (and confused) is this idea that thinking men wanting a family will go for younger women only is a limiting belief. Is it? Wasn't that an unavoidable truth that women just had to accept while moving on towards older men with kids only, like when you said that between two women who are "equal", a man who wants a family will always choose the one who is in her early thirties rather than the one who is 40? I really hope this is a limiting belief, because the thought of it as a really general truth has knocked me down quite badly recently and made me lose the will to even try. 😢
Lu
It is generally correct that if a man wants to have time to fall in love, get engaged, move in together, get married, and have two kids, it makes sense for him to choose a woman under 35. It is also true that I married a 38-year-old woman and had two kids. If I were to offer one piece of advice to women in their early 40s who want families, it would be to open up to men in their late 40s who already have kids, as opposed to holding out for the 40-year-old guy who is looking for women 25-35. You’ll have a lot more options that way.
Link That Made Me Think
The State of the Culture 2024 by Ted Gioia
Look at this chart. The left side is how I grew up. The middle is before smartphones. The right side is where we are now.
All the problems facing us - phones, social media, texting, loneliness, depression, as well as the collapse of TV, movies, music, and news are reflected here. And dating. Don’t forget dating.
On the Love U Podcast
A Thought Experiment To Help You Persevere In Dating
No one wants to become a dating expert. No one wants to go on 300 dates. No one wants to renew their Match membership. Yet, to find someone special, there is nothing more valuable than the power of perseverance. If you are one of the many people who have been dating online, on and off, for many years, I'm going to make a case for why you should never be off. You may be missing out on your soulmate.
My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week
If he comes back quickly with an apology and a request to reschedule, yes, give him a second chance. But if he doesn’t apologize, cut him loose. Life is too short to waste on insensitive flakes with poor communication skills.
Has this happened to you?
You Can Also See Me On…
In 2007, I was on the CBS Early Show, debating Lesley Jane Seymour about whether it was okay for women to lie about their age online. As the editor of MORE magazine for older women, she said no. I played devil’s advocate and said yes. Seventeen years later, she had me on her podcast and didn’t even remember our original conversation. In this half-hour podcast, we discuss dating for older women, how men look for sex and find love, why your next partner should be your complement, not your clone, and how to navigate the dating world with confidence.
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - True Detective - I’ll watch anything Jodie Foster does but her costar, Kali Reis, is equally compelling in the 4th season of this HBO series. I’m not as big on the magical/fantasy elements but the human performances are amazing.
Movies - Dream Scenario - In the vein of a Charlie Kaufman movie, Nicholas Cage plays a man who suddenly starts appearing in everyone’s dreams. It plays out in alternatively comic and tragic fashion, turning him into a celebrity and a pariah. I LOVED it, my kids hated it, and I don’t trust their taste in movies at all.
Books - All About Me: My Remarkable Life in Show Business by Mel Brooks - I’m a comedy aficionado and recently dove into Mel Brooks's autobiography. Now in his late 90s, you get the whole story: from World War II, to writing on Your Show of Shows, to his storied movie career. More, please.
Substack - Alexei Navalny - The People Who Look the Other Way - This is the speech he gave in court after being wrongly convicted of fraud in 2014. It’s bold, brave, and fitting that he spoke truth to the powerful liars in Russia. I’m waiting for a certain party to do the same thing here.
The Honey Shot
We’re engaged! Mark proposed on Saturday night. It was magical. I want you to know that I am marrying the “right” man. I had so many men I thought I wanted to marry and they were the wrong men. I have the most wonderful, adoring, lovely Mark.
Evan, you coached me through the 1st year of my relationship. A very critical time of any relationship. And I continued to listen to what you would say or do during difficult situations. I would NOT be in this relationship without your good guidance and direction.
Much love to you. See you at the wedding!
Best,
Michelle
Follow Me and Spread the Love
Subscribe to the Love U Podcast
I'm a man who always pays for a first date and will continue to do so, but I think we should collectively cultivate a new norm that the first IRL interaction from a dating app is NOT a date; it's a pre-date, like texting or a phone call, and if it goes well, a proper date can be scheduled, planned, and paid for by the man.
Meeting someone online is SO radically different from asking out someone you've crossed paths with in real life that it requires a different norm. The entire point of online dating is to have more choices, with the tradeoff being that the likelihood is lower for any one meetup to result in mutual interest. I am genuinely *thrilled* to pay for someone with whom there's a chance of a genuine relationship; I *don't* love paying when it's clear within two minutes of meeting that there's no chemistry.
Online dating is still very new in the scheme of things, so I think it's entirely possible to create a new norm around it.
I'm a woman who has been happily married for 20 years now, but back when I was single, I fully expected to pay for dates if I was the one initiating the date. There's something so grossly entitled about requesting someone's time while simultanously expecting that person to pay for you should you be granted the favor. In my dating history where I was the asker, half the men let me pay and half did not. In my youth, I always appreciated the surprise of being treated, but that bore minimal impact on how I ultimately felt about the person (although in hindsight, it provided valuable information on who liked me enough to treat me and who didn't). If I were to re-enter the dating scene today, I would still expect to pay if I'm the one asking. However, I would also assume that his interest in me is lukewarm at best if he doesn't at least offer to pay or offer to pay for the next date. Like you said, it's about the display of investment. Great article, Evan!