Your Anxious Attachment Style Is Not a Get-Out-Of-Jail Free Card.
We're all insecure, but it's up to us to manage it.
Bella is a Love U client in her early 50’s.
Her father left when she was 8.
Her mother got remarried when she was 12.
Her stepfather left when she was 15.
Her mother never remarried.
Bella’s love life sadly mirrors that of her mother: diving into relationships with men, worrying incessantly about when they were going to abandon her, and seeing her self-fulfilling prophecy come to life again and again.
While she has had moments of innocent connection (notably, a nice college boyfriend), most of her choices are reminiscent of what was familiar to her as a child. If you’re drawn to selfish, emotionally unavailable, low-character men like your father and your stepfather, it’s not surprising that you hate dating, fear relationships, and feel safer being alone in your fifties.
Bella recognizes that she’s an anxious attachment style stereotype - a walking bundle of nerves when it comes to romantic relationships with men.
When I interviewed her before she enrolled in Love U, this was the first thing she told me. Because she’s used to dating avoidant men - guys who claim to want intimacy, but always undermine it - she was afraid she’d never be able to choose a healthy, stable, guy.
This is a common (and valid) concern.
Secure attachment style guys are often read as boring - because they’re consistently kind. They don’t leave you guessing. They do what they say and they say what they mean. If they love you today, they’re going to love you tomorrow. For anxious attachment women who are attracted to the inconsistency and mind games of unavailable men, this behavior feels foreign - like a first-time SCUBA diver breathing underwater.
Hell, I’m a secure guy who comes from secure parents and I remember how different it felt when I was dating my wife. It was easy. Drama-free. I never felt criticized. I never worried about getting dumped. This made for a much different dynamic than my relationships with the handful of women I put on a pedestal - all of whom eventually left me.
This is where being a dating coach for 20 years - and married for 15 - is a blessing. I have enough distance from my younger self to see that I actively contributed to WHY they dumped me.
At the time, it felt unfair and capricious. “I was SO good to you! I loved you SO much! I couldn’t have been a better boyfriend! How could you possibly think you can do better than me?”
The unfortunate answer: they needed a man who was more secure than I was.
At the time, it felt unfair and capricious. “I was SO good to you! I loved you SO much! I couldn’t have been a better boyfriend! How could you possibly think you can do better than me?”
The unfortunate answer: they needed a man who was more secure than I was.
A man who had his shit together.
A man who knew what he was worth.
A man who could support himself, her, and a future family.
Most of the time I was dating, I was not that guy. I was a struggling screenwriter with generalized anxiety. All of my kindness, character, and communication skills couldn’t make up for my insecurities.
So when I was on Zoom with Bella and I was telling her that the right man won’t make her feel anxious, I meant it, because I lived it with my wife.
But I discovered a contradiction - a hole in my argument - that compelled me to write this piece. The reason I felt safe with my wife was not simply because she was a good person with a high EQ but because I was more secure after my belated career success.
It’s easy to say - as I often do - that with the right partner, all the anxiety goes away. But what if your anxiety is so deeply rooted that you carry it wherever you go? What if, after years of therapy, you understand yourself better but you still lead with insecurity? What if the reason that your boyfriends leave is the same reason my favorite girlfriends did: they wanted someone more confident who could inspire them to commit?
What if the reason that your boyfriends leave is the same reason my favorite girlfriends did: they wanted someone more confident who could inspire them to commit?
There are real reasons to feel anxious in a relationship.
If he hasn’t texted you in two days, that’s a problem.
If he hasn’t seen you in two weeks, that’s a problem.
If he hasn’t taken his profile down after three months, that’s a problem.
If he hasn’t said he loves you after a year, that’s a problem.
If he hasn’t talked about marriage or children ever, that’s a problem.
If you constantly feel on edge because he insults you, threatens to break up with you, and gaslights you, that’s a problem.
The answer to that type of boyfriend is to DUMP him, not “be confident and inspire him to commit."
But sometimes, an anxious attachment style creates false positives - instances where you’re convinced he’s pulling away - and he’s NOT.
This is what I was seeing with Bella.
A guy wouldn’t reply to her texts for six hours and she’d freak out that he was pulling away from her - instead of realizing that he wasn’t the kind of guy who texted during the workday.
A guy would say something nice about an ex-girlfriend and she’d feel threatened that he still had feelings for her - instead of understanding that she was his ex for a good reason.
A guy would not be interested in sex one night and she’d take it to mean he no longer found her attractive - instead of appreciating that he wasn’t with her only for sex.
You may think these are silly examples and that any man should understand why Bella might feel slighted in these instances.
I disagree.
I have the deepest sympathies for my clients but it is exhausting to have to constantly reassure someone you love that you’re not going anywhere.
Listen, confidence is an inner game. It’s understandable if you lack it after a lifetime of men who have abandoned you and broken your heart.
But the next guy has nothing to do with the last guy.
And you don’t have to be the perpetual victim of emotionally unavailable men.
That’s why, in Love U, we spend the entire first month of the course on confidence - before you go on a single dating app.
If you can act like a confident woman (when you’re feeling insecure), and choose secure, relationship-oriented men (instead of those waste-your-time avoidant types), you can rewrite the script of your past and find lasting love.
Which is to say that overcoming anxious attachment style issues involves two things:
Choosing better men
Learning to operate from a place of confidence and abundance.
Sometimes, it takes just a little bit of hand-holding to get there.
What I Got Wrong
A Lovesplaining reader had a lot to say about a recent piece.
I’d like to push back on the dating app swiping statistics that are often cited by you (including in your recent “8 Reasons Men Have Given Up on Courtship” piece) and various dating coaches/dating opinion-havers online. These stats say that women swipe left on 80% of men and that men swipe right on far more women. I’m not saying this data tells us nothing, but I think a lot of context is missing from it, including:
Many men, even attractive ones, are known to literally swipe right on every single profile, and then sort through their matches later and decide who they’d like to message. This would obviously throw off the data. I don’t know if there are mechanisms in place to remove these outliers, but there should be!
Men generally think shorter-term than women when it comes to dating, especially on apps. A right swipe from a guy often means “I’d sleep with her,” and little more.
A right swipe also just means a potential match occurs. It doesn’t mean you’ll message that person, or ask them on a date. Stats about how many people you end up messaging or going on a date with tell much more of the story.
The profiles you’re presented with on an app have a lot to do with algorithms, which you have little control over. Many young, attractive women say that the Hinge algorithm often feels like it’s playing a joke on them (just go on TikTok for proof!). I’m in this camp, and I can quite honestly say that swiping right on 5% of the profiles I see is generous.
I hope this adds some perspective and leads you to seek better data or take the data we do have with a grain of salt!
I wouldn’t disagree with any of these as a fair defense of why the numbers between men and women are so skewed. I just think they miss the larger point of the original post, which is that women eliminate far too many men before ever engaging with them.
It would seem that this reader agrees with me given her observations about how few dates result from swiping and how 5% is too MANY matches.
Link That Made Me Think
The Age Gappers: They say they’re happy. Why is it so hard to believe them?
This went viral. I’m not surprised. There’s nothing the Internet likes more than to judge people for their choices, even if they’re not hurting anybody. I’m
In my 30s, I wrote an article about why younger women might prefer older men, and while I find large age gaps unappealing (Women under 30 don’t have enough life experience/wisdom for me as a 51-year-old man), I can acknowledge that it’s different strokes for different folks. A vast majority of people marry within 5 years of their age. Like: 76.6%. From Wikipedia:
So if fewer than 10% of people are fine dating someone over 10 years apart, I don’t see why the rest of us should get too upset about it.
On the Love U Podcast
Are You Following Your Core Values in Dating?
Dating can throw you off your axis. Whether you're getting rejected by strangers online or being treated poorly by someone who claims to care about you, it's easy to become anxious, confused, or angry. What I'm advocating for in this Love U Podcast is anchoring yourself in your core values. Inspired by the book Master of Change by Brad Stulberg, this episode will remind you of who you are, what's important, and why you should never veer from it - no matter who you're dating.
My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week
You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and kindness. Don't settle for anything less. The one thing that matters most in a man is how he treats you.
Not his looks, his job, his car, or his bank account. How he makes you feel.
Does he respect you, support you, and appreciate you?
Does he listen to you, communicate with you, and compromise with you?
Does he make you laugh, smile, and feel special? If the answer is yes, then you've found a keeper.
You Can Also See Me On…
I met the lovely Kerry Brett on her podcast, Shot@Love and we discussed my coaching philosophy and how to break free from the cycle of attracting the wrong men. We cover a lot of ground, including:
Empowering Women: The mission is to elevate women’s standards and help them avoid settling for less in relationships.
Challenges for Smart, Successful Women: The Smartness Factor: Discussing if being highly intelligent creates relationship challenges.
Diverse Backgrounds: Addressing successful women's challenges in various fields such as science, business, and academia,
Money and Happiness: Delving into advice for women dating someone who earns less.
Addressing the complexities of modern dating and simplifying approaches.
Identifying common limiting beliefs and encouraging women to leave their comfort zones.
Practical methods for women to boost self-worth and confidence in their dating journey.
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - The Old Man and the Pool - Mike Birbiglia is a helluva stand-up comic and storyteller. I’ve seen him live twice and resonate with his sensitive guy with anxiety schtick. His latest, on Netflix, will make you want to go back and watch his other masterpieces: Sleepwalk with Me and The New One.
Movies - May December - I like Oscar bait and I watch it when my wife is catching up on old Office episodes. This Natalie Portman/Julianne Moore film is loosely based on the Mary Kay Letourneau affair, where an older woman ends up marrying the boy she first slept with in junior high school. Great acting, with a surprising performance from the young man, played by Charles Melton.
Books - The Creative Act: A Way of Being - by Rick Rubin - Rubin is one of the most successful music producers of all time, having worked with everyone from Jay-Z, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Adele, and Johnny Cash. This book is so specifically for creative people that I’m not sure anyone else would get much out of its zen-like tone and abundant metaphors. As for me, I was folding down every other page, reminding myself that I’m not just a dating coach but a writer, first and foremost.
Substack - The Friendship Problem - by Rosie Spinks - The subtitle of this piece says it all: “Why friendships have started to feel strikingly similar to admin.” If you feel that everyone has too many options, is addicted to their phone, burned out on email and texting, and makes getting together feel like “work,” you’re not alone. We all need more time together IRL.
The Honey Shot
I joined Love U for two reasons. One, I had ended up on Evan’s email list and several of his emails literally seemed like they were talking directly to me. I always thought I was good at dating, because I could get dates. But if dating were baseball, I’m the girl that always got base hits and got tagged out before she got an actual run. The second reason I joined is because I’ve had huge success with fitness coaching, life coaching, why wouldn’t I do relationship coaching? Bad relationship choices have cost me a lot more personally and sometimes financially than I’ll ever spend on coaching
I didn’t really even know what I didn’t know when it came to dating. I knew that doing the same things I was doing would get me the same results, and I certainly wasn’t happy with those. I wanted to know what I was doing that wasn’t effective and what things I could change to be more successful. I didn’t want just ANY relationship. I wanted a really good one.
Now I’m in an amazing marriage with a really wonderful man. Easily the best and most healthy relationship of my life. And I’m happy. Really happy. Not euphoric, this is too good to be true, when will the other shoe drop happy, but truly content, peaceful and so excited about the future. Evan helped me to attract and keep an amazing man who makes me feel special and cherished and oh, by the way? He’s gorgeous. smart, funny and extremely successful – and that, my friend, is really just icing on the cake.
I feel as lucky and blessed in my relationship as I do in all the other areas of my life. I used to wonder how I managed to figure out everything in life but love. I thought the really amazing relationships were for someone else. Now I realize I just didn’t have the right mindset or tools. The adjustments I made were so minor, yet they had such an amazing impact on my life.
I can’t believe how much I learned from Love U. Not only was I shocked at how much Evan himself interacts with us, I was amazed by how supportive and knowledgeable and wonderful the women in Love U are. I even stayed in the group AFTER finding a great relationship because I value the input, collaboration and friendships with the woman I’ve met. It also gives me an opportunity to share what I’ve learned with new members. I’m one of the participants who came in and did a lot of things the opposite of how Evan coaches us, fell right on my butt, dusted myself off, and then did it the right way and had these amazing results. If Evan and Love U helped me figure this out? He can do it for anyone.
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A Honey Shot? Email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com or click the button below and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
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