You've Been Ignoring Your Feelings For Your Entire Life.
Raise your hand if you've spent too long in a dissatisfying relationship.
Keep reading until the very end to get a special Thanksgiving offer! (ends 11/28)
Let’s speak in broad stereotypes, shall we? Great!
Women are more intuitive than men.
Women are more sensitive than men.
Women are more nurturing than men.
Not all women. Not all men. But you probably see what I see: men are, all too often, blunt, crude, self-interested, overconfident, and under-aware.
In fact, according to this article, only 35% of men are emotionally intelligent.
Are you nodding your head right now? I hope so. This is the ultimate validation of your relationship experience: most men - including smart, strong, successful ones - are incapable of being great partners.
Now, for more broad stereotypes that I’ve observed:
Women are more likely to bend over backward to please men.
Women are more likely to question themselves when things go wrong with men.
Women are more likely to ignore their own feelings with men.
I know! It’s a radical theory. The more sensitive, intuitive sex is MORE likely to ignore its feelings than the emotionally stunted sex.
The more sensitive, intuitive sex is MORE likely to ignore its feelings than the emotionally stunted sex.
Consider the plight of two women who recently applied to Love U. I will not name names but I was astonished at the similarity of their stories.
Both are in their 50s.
Both had messed up childhoods and poor relationship role models.
Both learned to be tough, work hard, and find self-worth through money, status, and achievement.
Both married attractive men who were not emotionally intelligent.
Both stayed with these men for over 20 years despite feeling underappreciated and disconnected.
Both divorced when the kids got older, and then poured their energy into work, money, and achievement.
Both have empty nests, enough money to retire, and a gaping hole in their lives where love is supposed to be.
Both spent the first ten minutes of our conversation cold, stone-faced, and overly emphasizing their career, homes, and financial status.
Both were crying after 20 minutes about how lonely they were and how much regret they had about putting work, money, and achievement ahead of feeling safe, heard, and understood.
Can you identify with any of this?
Maybe you’re not wealthy enough to retire young. But my guess is that, if you’re a high-achieving middle-aged woman like many of my clients, you’ve ignored your feelings in your relationships.
You’ve chosen men based on attraction, intelligence, and money - without paying attention to how they treated you and made you feel.
You’ve poured yourself into your work, spent too much time in your masculine energy, and ignored your feelings of anxiety and discontent.
You’ve tried to make peace with the fact that he didn’t listen to you, make time for you, and he took far more emotionally than he was willing to give.
This is normal. This is common. This is unfortunate.
By choosing selfish, insensitive men and refusing to leave them, you’ve normalized unhealthy relationships and suffered deeply.
You’ve lost sight of the big picture - “How do I feel?” - and anchored on the largely irrelevant small stuff: “What do I have?”
You’ve gotten the nice house, the expensive vacations, the impressive life you can show off to your friends. You have proud accomplishments, memories you cherish, and moments that allow you to tell yourself everything’s okay.
Except it’s not.
It wasn’t okay when he yelled at you. It wasn’t okay when he gave you the silent treatment. It wasn’t okay that he spent little quality time with you. It wasn’t okay when you felt small with him. It wasn’t okay that you were afraid to speak your mind. It wasn’t okay that you were unhappy most of the time.
That’s what I mean about ignoring your feelings.
You repeat what generations of long-suffering women have told themselves to justify staying in dissatisfying relationships: all men are flawed, love takes work, and if that means you have to sacrifice your joy and self-esteem, well, that’s just the cost of being married to a “high-value man”.
How much do you have to suffer? What’s the POINT of a relationship if it drains your energy, saps your spirit, and makes you feel trapped?
That’s right. There IS no point.
Your feelings are everything. Your feelings don’t lie. Every choice you make that ignores your feelings is a vote against your own happiness.
You don’t need to spend more time at work.
You don’t need to impress your friends.
You don’t need what you already have - money, status, achievement.
You need to feel loved.
You need to feel cherished.
You need to feel appreciated.
You need to feel seen.
You need to feel taken care of.
If you’re reading this right now and it HURTS because it’s so true, I beg you: listen to your feelings. Once you do, you’ll see what I see:
A more confident woman. A happier woman. A less anxious woman. A woman who doesn’t waste time with men because she’s lonely or scared. A woman who knows her worth. A woman who values men based on how they treat you rather than what they HAVE.
What I Got Wrong
In response to Baby Boomers Are Living Alone But They Don’t Have To.
Okay, Evan, I do agree in theory but what I think gets lost is that there are real valid financial reasons older Americans want to be in committed relationships without legal contracts that you and other coaches don’t address and pivot to - who do commitment ceremonies or domestic partnerships instead because there are things a prenup or even picking a good partner can’t protect from.
My daughters would lose their college financial aid if I remarried. Many women would lose access to former spouse social security benefits and the challenges of insuring a home, assets go to children instead of the spouse, etc. Long term care costs and becoming a primary care giver can gut the finances and the spirit of the lower earning spouse.
You are a fabulous coach. I’m sure some of your clients got divorced even from marriages you thought were good. Starting over in your 50s gives you less time to recover; it’s why cohabiting has gone up 75% in my age group and most of those relationships have lasted an average of 18 years until one partner passed - only 12 % resulted in marriage.
Felisa
These are valid points about financial considerations at a certain age. I’m not turning a blind eye to that and believe there are many ways to create lasting love. Where she and I part ways is the idea that cohabiting relationships are the new ideal. I see little evidence of that.
A. Turns out the 18-year average relationship was actually only 8 years.
B. The stat about 12% of cohabitating relationships turning into marriage is irrelevant. Of course, they don’t turn into marriage. They don’t want to be married.
C. In my own research, "Just 4% of adults 50 and older were cohabiting."
While we can talk about the rise in seniors living together, I remain unaware of too many couples living together forever in unmarried bliss.
I believe some exist - just not nearly as many as those who get married.
You Can Also See Me On…
George Grombacher has a unique podcast model. He posts a new interview with an expert EVERY single day. In our brief 20-minute conversation, we talked about the keys to a healthy relationship, identifying limiting beliefs that keep us stuck, the role character plays in finding your partner, why compromising is essential and settling is deadly.
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - Better Things - Pamela Adlon feels like a client of mine. Single, hardworking mom. Truthtelling. In her mascline. Making the best of a challenging world. Choosing the wrong men and getting in her own way in each and every relationship. I love the reality of this show. You will, too.
Movies - The Shawshank Redemption - I thought it was about time for my kids to watch a Rated-R movie that depicts rape and murder. Actually, I thought this was a classic and I didn’t want to keep it to myself. Maybe you’ve seen this in perpetual reruns on TNT. It’s worth watching again.
Substack - Text Messaging Anxiety by Todd Baratz - If you’ve spent way too much time agonizing about texts, both the ones that you write, and the ones you receive from men, check out this short post from the man behind the popular Yourdiagnonense Instagram account.
Podcast - The Wedding Scammer - If you’re as fascinated with con artists as I am, this 7-episode podcast from The Ringer tells the story of a man who set up businesses - restaurants, catering, media companies - got dozens of people to work for free for 6 weeks, then walked away with the money they generated. I’ve met a handful of people like this and can’t turn away.
The Honey Shot
Elizabeth was a single mother dating in her 40s. Then she took Love U in 2015. It took some ups and downs and perseverance but here she is now.
Me and my guy. We’ve been together for 4 years and engaged for a year and a half. Hoping to get married next summer! He loves my silly side and I feel totally free to be myself with him for better or worse.
Elizabeth S.
Get My 3 Bestselling Programs for Over 50% Off
My Thanksgiving gratitude sale ends on 11/28. Here’s what you get:
Why He Disappeared - The Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever - Soon, you’ll understand why some men don’t want to go out with you, why others will sleep with you without committing, and why your boyfriend might not want to be your husband. I will also explain to you, once and for all, how much of the break-up is your responsibility, and how much had to do with the fact that you chose an incompatible partner.
Believe in Love - 7 Steps To Letting Go Of The Past, Embracing The Present, And Dating With Confidence - No matter how many failures you’ve had in romance, you still dream of having the whole enchilada — passion, comfort, laughter, friendship, compatibility, and commitment. Yes, you still want it all. You just don’t want to risk getting hurt again. That’s why I wrote “Believe in Love.” Because while dating can take a toll on your emotions, it is ALWAYS worth it to keep going.
Finding The One Online - How To Master Online Dating And Create The Love You Deserve - In no time, you’ll choose the right dating site, write a one-of-a-kind profile, attract more high-quality men, and be able to use my fast and flirty email technique to screen the best possible suitors. In a world where it’s hard to meet men in real life, online dating is the best option around — if you know how to use it properly.
These three programs – and the accompanying bonuses – will teach you everything you need to know to attract quality men, navigate online dating, and find a lasting relationship.
There’s never been a better time (or price) to get you the love you deserve.
This offer ends on 11/28.
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A screenshot of a guy’s text? A Honey Shot? Email me at questions@evanmarckatz.com and I’ll respond in a future Lovesplaining.
Thanks for being part of my Love Universe!
Follow Me and Spread the Love
Subscribe to the Love U Podcast
Search My Blog (1000 Questions Answered)
Discover the Best Books on Dating