Do You Compromise Too Much? Or Not Enough?
If one person wins, the other loses. And that's no good.
My wife and I want different things.
I want to be with her. She wants to be alone. Consider a typical Saturday:
7:30am: I wake up.
8:00am: I walk the dog for an hour, listening to a comedy podcast.
9:00am: I read the latest in the New York Times, ESPN, and The Atlantic.
10:00am: I call my Mom and my sister on the East Coast
10:30am: I check on the kids and if they’re on their iPads, I go into my office to complete any work tasks left over from Friday.
11:30am: My wife comes downstairs, in her pajamas, ready to discuss what we might do that day, but only after we have a family breakfast.
12:30pm: My wife doesn’t want to go on a hike, go to a museum, or walk around LA so we sit inside and watch movies or sit outside and read Kindles.
There are no bad actors. The conflict arises from the fact that, as an extrovert who works from home, I crave doing things and connecting with people on the weekend. And while my wife was once just like me - an extrovert who liked going out two or three times a week - she has morphed into someone who enjoyed the pandemic so much that she decided to keep the lifestyle.
This got me thinking about the nature of relationships and how the person with lesser needs often wields power over the person with greater needs.
Consider the following hypothetical examples:
She wants to have sex three times a week. He wants to have sex once every two weeks. Chances are, she’ll have less sex rather than “make him” have more, and she’ll feel resentful.
She is meticulous in keeping the house clean. He doesn’t care about whether the dishes stack up. Chances are, she’ll have to do all the work and be resentful that he doesn’t do his share.
She is always on time. He is a procrastinator who tends to run 15 minutes late. Chances are, she’ll constantly remind him to be ready and feel resentful when they skid into the event with no time to spare.
She likes to spend her hard-earned money. He micromanages their spending. Chances are, she won’t make any big purchases with their money, and she’ll feel resentful that she can’t buy all the things she wants.
She watches what she eats. He eats red meat, fried food, and sweets. Chances are, she’ll feel he’s not taking care of himself and feel resentful that he doesn’t care about his body or health.
If you identify with her, then you can see how much resentment can build up.
You’ve undoubtedly been with men who were less motivated, less meticulous, less punctual, and less disciplined - and it drove you crazy.
I, too, am always trying to figure out how to optimize my life, which is why I don’t judge you in the least. But I do want to push back and help you see another perspective. Namely, the person with the higher needs - more sex, more socializing, more cleanliness, more spending, more health-conscious - is a royal pain in the ass.
Do you REALLY want to be with Tim Ferris?
Do you REALLY want a man like Andrew Huberman?
These Silicon Valley life-hacker guys are so hell-bent on productivity that it must be impossible to BE them, much less MARRY them.
Yes, they’re extreme examples but if you are the Type A/controlling/critical one who knows the best way to live and constantly tells your partner to be more like you, guess what?
You’re not that easy to date.
I was listening this morning to Conan O’Brien interview Taylor Tomlinson on his podcast. She’s an incredible comedian and the rare female late-night talk-show host. How did she accomplish this by age 30? Well, after a day of shooting her talk show, she goes home and writes new stand-up material for 4 hours. For Tomlinson, “being productive” IS relaxing. This is how you get to the upper echelon. But at what cost?
Whoever dates that kind of person quickly realizes you’re always going to come in second to their productivity. Asking a productive person to “do nothing” is, well, like asking an easygoing person to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. Not gonna happen.
I want to point out the irony here.
Coaches like me always talk about finding balance in your marriage. If you’re a Type A woman, choose an easygoing man. If you’re an easygoing woman, you choose a Type A man. But doesn’t that mean you’ll run into issues like the ones I just outlined? Yes. And that is a real conundrum.
The fear of being too different than your partner is what compels people to conclude that compatibility = similarity. The theory is that if you find someone else who is as driven, active, well-traveled, and well-read, these common interests will lead you to a happy marriage.
It sounds great in theory. But look at your past. You’ve been with the brilliant/arrogant guy. You’ve been with the rich/workaholic guy. You’ve been with the fit/narcissistic guy. None of them worked out because while having things in common is a great place to START, it has nothing to do with what makes relationships last.
What makes relationships last, according to everyone ever? Compromise.
Who is more likely to compromise: a headstrong, know-it-all, CEO-type, who is relentlessly demanding of himself and you, or a guy who sees you as his equal, is sensitive to your needs, and endeavors to make you happy?
I trust you can see my point.
At the beginning of this post, I mused whether the person with the lower needs wields the most power. I’ll admit: that was my first take. Then, I questioned my premises and drew a more balanced conclusion: in marriage, it’s not whether you HAVE power, it’s how you WIELD your power.
The easygoing person wields her power by refusing to do more.
The Type A person wields her power by constantly criticizing and insisting their partner do more.
The couples that don’t wield power and, instead, choose to compromise are the ones who last forever.
My close friend, Carol, has been married for 25 years. She, like me, is a super-extrovert: the first to arrive at the party and the last to leave. Her husband, Bill, is a super-introvert. He has a low tolerance for small talk and big crowds. This was hurting their relationship so much that they went to couples counseling. The counselor came up with a solution that saved their marriage:
Take separate cars.
Simple, right?
Now, Carol can arrive at our party at 7pm and leave at 1am, Bill can drop by from 8-10pm, and no one has to get angry about being forced to stay or leave.
That’s a pretty remarkable fix.
You probably have thoughts about my situation. I can assure you: my wife and I have considered all of them. My wife wants me to get a hobby or make more friends. I told her I’m not averse to either but both are easier said than done. Most middle-aged men in the suburbs are with their families on Saturday and Sunday mornings, I would presume. I suppose I could take up golf but it seems pretty weird to take up an expensive time-consuming activity without an actual passion for it.
Here’s where we landed:
One day each weekend, my wife can sleep as late as she wants.
One day each weekend, she’ll be ready to leave the house by 10am, as long as I come up with a plan for the family.
That’s something I can live with.
This harkens back to a post I wrote last year called “An Ode To Marriage,” in which I shared some of these internal marital conflicts and how couples can either grow together or grow apart. The big takeaway:
Rule #1: Find a partner who accepts you and doesn’t try to change you.
Rule #2: You can’t change your partner so accept him despite his flaws.
Rule #3: You’ll grow old grumbling about each others’ flaws and that’s okay.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
Link That Made Me Think
How Negativity Can Kill a Relationship by John Tierney and Roy F. Baumeister.
If you’re insecure and/or negative about relationships, you MUST read this (before the gift link expires in two weeks). It explains so much.
In relationships, the negativity effect magnifies your partner’s faults, real or imagined, starting with their ingratitude, because you’re also biased by an internal overconfidence that magnifies your own strengths. So you wonder how your partner can be so selfish and so blind to your virtues—to all that you’ve done for them. You contemplate one of life’s most exasperating mysteries: Why don’t they appreciate me?
Doesn’t this completely reflect what I was talking about above? My wife feels like an amazing partner because she takes care of the house and kids and gives me the freedom to do whatever I want. I feel like an amazing partner because I pay for everything and give them the life they want.
We have some answers, thanks to psychologists who have been tracking couples’ happiness. They’ve found, based on the couples’ ratings of their own satisfaction, that marriages usually don’t get better. The ratings typically go downhill over time. The successful marriages are defined not by improvement, but by avoiding decline. That doesn’t mean marriage is a misery. The thrill of infatuation fades, so the euphoria that initially bonded a couple cannot sustain them over the decades, but most couples find other sources of contentment and remain satisfied overall (just not as satisfied as at the beginning).
This is why I de-emphasize the need for 10+ chemistry and why I talk about relationships needing constant EFFORT to maintain happiness, as opposed to WORK to keep a broken marriage together.
As a group, those who divorced had been a third more affectionate during the early years than the ones who went on to have long, happy marriages. Over the short term, their passion had enabled them to surmount their misgivings and their fights, but those positive feelings couldn’t keep the marriage going forever. It was how they dealt with the negative stuff—their doubts, their frustrations, their problems—that predicted whether the marriage would survive.
Another mark against using chemistry as a barometer of long-term compatibility. The healthiest relationships may have slightly less passion but, because they see each other clearly from the beginning, they’re less likely to discover surprises when the chemistry wears off in 18-36 months. The attachment phase of marriage is what happens AFTER the honeymoon phase, and what determines your success is dependent on your confidence, your trust, your communication skills, and your ability to compromise. Witness what happens when insecure couples fight, and the anxiety spirals out of control, dooming the relationship:
Each time one of the partners did something negative— complaining, speaking in a hostile tone, rolling their eyes, denying responsibility, insulting the other—the action was classified and counted. The researchers, led by Geraldine Downey, found that insecure people were the ones most likely to act negatively. Their own fear of rejection no doubt intensified the distress they felt, because for them an argument wasn’t just about a specific issue but a sign of deep problems and an ominous signal that the relationship was in jeopardy. Their panicky response was to push away their partner—with unfortunate success, as the researchers found by following couples over several years. People sensitive to rejection were especially likely to end up alone. Their fear of rejection became a self‑fulfilling prophecy.
Once again, click here to read the whole article and maybe even buy the book from which it’s excerpted: The Power of Bad: How The Negativity Rules Us and How We Can Rule It.
On the Love U Podcast
What to Do When He Asks Why You’re Single
You may find it annoying or triggering but it's common for men to ask you why you're still single. Instead of shutting down or overexplaining, it's important to be able to answer this question with poise and confidence. If your reflexive answer to why you're still single is "I just haven't met the right guy," you REALLY ought to listen to this. My advice may surprise you.
My Not-So-Viral Social Media Post of the Week
You HAVE to Check Out…
TV - Scrubs - I told you: the Katz family is on a sitcom kick because our daughter is getting into comedy. This show is equal parts sweet and silly, and all I can say is that I want a bromance just like JD and Turk.
Movies - Sunset Boulevard - When I went to UCLA Film School, I got to watch classic movies. Some, like Gone with the Wind and High Noon, don’t hold up. Sunset Boulevard REALLY holds up as a parable about aging, stardom, morality, and delusion. Timely, given a certain ex-president.
Books - Table for Two: Fictions - by Amor Towles - I flew through the Lincoln Highway. I struggled with the inaction in Gentleman in Moscow. This collection of short stories hits the sweet spot.
Substack - The Groups Protesting on College Campuses Don’t Think Israel Should Exist - Jeff Maurer, as always, hits the spot. I say this as a guy who thinks Israel should exist (not that Israel is perfect).
The Honey Shot
Two and a half years ago I was frustrated, sad and a little hopeless. I had yet another man leave me suddenly and I was so confused. I knew I hadn’t done anything to warrant his departure and yet I could not deny that the only common denominator in all my failed relationships was me! I had started to read Evan’s blog and everything he said resonated:
I really believed there were good men out there – after all many of my friends had met and married good men – and I had finally come to accept that the only thing I could change was me. So, I signed up for Love U private coaching and promised myself that I would do whatever Evan suggested even those things I knew I would want to resist.
Evan helped me with my profile, recommended a photographer for professional photos and I started to date using his advice. Within a month I met Dale. Now, in hindsight I can see something which was not obvious to me then: when I met a man who was really open to a relationship, and who I might like, I wanted to run – made excuses as to why he wasn’t right or talked myself into moving onto a less available man. And of course, this was true of Dale too. In this case though I had Evan – who encouraged me to ” stop paying attention to how I feel and start paying attention to how he treats me”. Never before have I received better advice! To make a long story short, Dale and I now married with a child. I love him and am so happy and excited to start our life together.
It’s not that I don’t think I wouldn’t have found love and marriage eventually on my own but I do know that I would not have found it as quickly nor as painlessly without Evan’s help. And who wants to wait to be happy??
Evan, thank you for everything!
Your ever-grateful client,
Shelagh M.
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I love this post -- really thought provoking. Framing it as all about the way you compromise makes so much sense. It takes the pressure off having to find someone who fits into some narrow definition of compatibility. This is one I'll come back to.
Omg. I find this post kind of depressing. I am always the one with the higher sex drive. I am like you, up early, walking the dog, hitting the gym, trying to kill time until my partner (when I have one) wakes up and is ready to do something. I was kind of looking forward to finally finding a relationship this time where the man has a higher sex drive than I do, where the man wants to do even more than I do. Seriously, I enjoy that. My last boyfriend used to help me with my nutrition goals, only after I asked him to, of course, and I loved it!! I would reach for the chips and he would grab the bag, hand me a few, then put the rest away and not let me get them. I loved that!! Maybe I am a bit masochistic, but I like to be challenged by my man, driven a little bit out of my comfort zone (towards achieving more, not towards sitting on the couch watching movies more). I loved it when my husband (at the time) introduced me to backpacking. It was scary, challenging, and fun. I hated it at first but then I fell in love with it and even more with him and it changed my life. I dream of finding a man who is “more” than I am. Not to the extreme, like I do not want a narcissist or someone who Is unfaithful or a workaholic but just a little bit more than I am, so I can be challenged. Surely someone like that must exist? I get bored and resentful when I always have to be the one initiating things. And I also don’t like the feeling that my partner thinks the way I am is a pain in the butt. I have tried the thing where I go do all the stuff by myself because my partner is more of an introvert. I had a boyfriend like that. I was not happy. My way of thinking is why do I even have a partner then, if they are not with me? I don’t want someone waiting for me at home. I want them out with me. And as far as sex goes, that doesn’t even translate. If I love to play tennis often, but my man only plays occasionally, it is perfectly acceptable for me to join a tennis club and find other tennis partners. Not so with sex. What then? There will always be this tension between us. I am tired of dimming myself and my sex drive down. And tbh, I don’t think I’ve ever in my life come across a man who wanted sex “too much.” I am confused when I hear women describe men like that. When I come across a man with a high sex drive, I think I hit the jackpot, and I am in heaven. Then I worry if he’ll stay that way, because inevitably it ebbs and flows just like anything else.
You said the flip side is my partner will think I’m a pain, but that is not a good feeling either. Why can’t I find someone who appreciates and enjoys me for the way that I am? And the lower activity / introverted types can have each other? Most of the time, I think I’d really love to have a partner, but if I have to be tied to someone who I constantly feel like I have to coax to do anything, or when I find something I am really excited for us to do then I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to present it to them in a way that they would find palatable, or negotiate some compromise just so I can get them to do it with me, then I would rather just stay single and free (and active!), I guess. Life is too short to be tied to someone who to me is a buzz kill and who thinks I’m a hyper pain in the a$$.