My (One-Sided) Relationship With Paulina Porizkova
A boyhood crush, a Twitter dialogue, and a happy ending.
I first saw Paulina Porizkova on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in 1984. She was 19. I was 12. She appeared again in 1985. I was smitten.
Although it was pre-Internet, I read everything I could about Paulina. She left Czechoslovakia as a kid. She moved to Paris at 15 to model. She played piano. She didn’t smile because she had crooked teeth. She smoked. She was only a few years older than me but infinitely more sophisticated.
An unrequited crush is a fun pastime for a middle schooler. It takes little time and allows you to indulge in fantasies about a life you could never have.
In 1987, Paulina wasn’t in the SI Swimsuit issue at ALL. 15-year-old me wrote a letter to the editor to voice my displeasure. Believe it or not, she wrote back.
By this time, I knew I wanted to be like my father - married, upper-middle-class, suburban - and yet, I longed for something more. Where Dad grew up with immigrant parents with modest aspirations, I was told - as Jewish boys are - that I could dream bigger. Study hard. Aim high. You can do anything.
Except I couldn’t.
I didn’t make varsity basketball despite my best efforts.
I didn’t finish in the Top 10 in my class despite my hard work.
I didn’t have many high school girlfriends despite my desire to be popular.
Which is to say I was a normal teenager - one who just so happened to have 75 photos of his favorite supermodel on his wall in 1989.
I graduated high school in ‘90, college in ‘94, and moved to Los Angeles in ‘96. Hollywood is a hard town for a young writer with no connections. I took a series of low-paying jobs - CAA, William Morris, “Ellen,” while I wrote on the side. Although I finished in the Top 3 in the first Project Greenlight, was in the Warner Brothers Writers Workshop, and went to UCLA Film School, I never did achieve my dream of making a living as a comedy writer.
I did get to see Paulina in person once. It was at a movie premiere in the late 90’s; I don’t remember which one. Red carpet, flash bulbs, big smiles. And me, three rows deep in a large throng of fans, separated only by a velvet rope. It felt like the story of my life. Turns out it wasn’t.
My life would get much better. Paulina’s would get much worse.
My fascination waned over time, as teenage obsessions do.
She married Ric Ocasek, lead singer of The Cars, and she mostly left the spotlight as she raised a family.
I got the pleasure of dating, which became my new obsession, and, after 300 dates, inspired a new career as a dating coach.
As my life expanded - I wrote four books, got married, bought a house, and had two kids - Paulina’s life was getting smaller. From her book, “No Filter”:
Our marriage began to dissolve as our two sons grew up. My adoration for him was subsiding, being replaced by a more clear-eyed love. I began to understand his limitations. But what he needed from me was the adoration. The blind infatuation. That was his comprehension of love. Any dissent caused him to pull away.
I construed this as turning invisible to him, receding into the wallpaper. Our means of communication and connection were physical, had always been through the body. Once he stopped wanting to touch me, I knew the relationship was doomed…
I am a woman of fifty-seven whose idea of love, until very recently, was stuck at one I developed at the age of 19.
Paulina separated from Ocasek in 2017 although they continued living together. He passed away two years later. Then this happened, in her words:
Three days after my husband died, I’m choosing out the clothing for the coffin, which was really rough… So, while doing that, I open an envelope that says: ‘This is the will and the testament’ and his writing that says: ‘I will not provide for my wife because she abandoned me.”
Suddenly, Paulina was back in the public eye, a grieving 54-year-old widow. Ignored by her husband, cut out of his will, taking heat online for the audacity of being a privileged supermodel who dared to complain about her lot in life.
This is when I first started following her on social media. She had successfully reinvented herself as a fierce advocate for older women.
It wasn’t all roses. Her feed seemed to alternate between images where she’s wearing a bikini and ones where she’s wearing no makeup and crying.
Throughout these years when Paulina discovered what it was like to be a single middle-aged woman, all I could think was:
I CAN HELP HER!
As a dating coach for smart, successful women, I wanted to share everything I’d learned about love. Maybe I could help her find her future husband.
You may read this as pathetic - a high-school “nice guy” returns to befriending the pretty girl, hoping she’ll cast a glance his way.
You may read this as arrogant - a white knight tries to save a damsel in distress.
You may read this as self-serving - thirsty entrepreneur who just wants to get some clout.
If I’m being honest, it may have been all three. But since I have a twenty-year track record of helping women, I truly believed I could nudge Paulina towards a better relationship. I found myself commenting on her posts, which were always authentic and vulnerable.
Now, Twitter (sorry, X) is a weird place for parasocial relationships.
It allows famous people to share their thoughts and photos.
It allows fans to feel closer to those celebrities.
More curiously, it enables fans to interact with them. It’s a one-sided dynamic.
By April 2021, I’d posted enough for Paulina to know who I was. In our minimal interactions, I reiterated what I teach my clients: that, despite her frustrations with dating, there were good men out there.
Men who were not controlling.
Men who appreciated women for more than their looks.
Men who were not intimidated by successful women.
(Naturally, in the back of my mind, I was thinking: MEN LIKE ME!)
Then I saw this post from Paulina - and, in the comments, offered my services as a dating coach. Shockingly, she responded.
As it turns out, less than two weeks later, while watching the Oscars, I discovered what thing she had going. It was Aaron Sorkin, the man behind A Few Good Men, The West Wing, The Social Network, and much more.
Sorkin also happens to be one of my literary heroes: another New York Jewish liberal with a gift for gab and a tireless work ethic. I couldn’t help but root for them, but, like most celebrity relationships, they ended after a few months. It was back to the drawing board for Paulina.
Celebrities, they’re just like us: lost, lonely, looking for love, with no idea what we’re doing wrong or how to get it right.
Celebrities, they’re just like us: lost, lonely, looking for love, with no idea what we’re doing wrong or how to get it right.
Alas, Paulina never reached out to me to enroll in Love U. I’m not surprised. My own mother didn’t listen to my advice after she was widowed.
Then again, if I was able to evolve in my taste in women over time, Paulina could also evolve in her taste in men.
Maybe Aaron Sorkin was just a stepping-stone, from rock-star husband to rock-star screenwriter, to…who knows?
November, 2022. I’m visiting my alma mater, Duke University, with my family. In the Gothic Bookstore, I see a copy of Paulina’s book, “No Filter: The Good, The Bad, and the Beautiful.” I’m generally not the type to read celebrity autobiographies, but I figure, what the hell? I read the whole thing on the plane home. take a photo and post it on Twitter.
Paulina retweets it and follows up with a personalized comment:
This acknowledgment with the kiss emojis is pretty much THE dream for any lifelong fan. But what did it mean? Not much. Not much at all.
Paulina was still single. I wasn’t able to help her. While her Instagram following was growing and her star was rising, I knew that accomplishments wouldn’t fill the hole in her heart where love should be.
I told myself Paulina knew who I was and how to reach me. The rest was up to her. So, imagine my delight when I learned she met a new guy early this year.
His name is Jeff Greenstein. He’s a comedy writer who is best known for his work on Friends and Will and Grace. He’s not Ric Ocasek. He’s not Aaron Sorkin. With his gangly looks and bald head, you may have swiped left on a guy who looked like him. But he’s the guy who got the supermodel.
I don’t know him, and despite my extensive fandom, I don’t know her either. What I do know is that although we inhabit different worlds, we’re all blinded by attraction and shaded by our experiences.
It took me 10 years of prolific dating to get over my attraction to Type A career women - because we’re too similar, and, therefore, incompatible. I chose a wife who is more content and grounded, and I’ve never regretted it.
Paulina also had to find her path - to cycle through men who seemed “equal” because they were celebrities until she found a man who was her equal on the INSIDE. From her recent Instagram post:
It took me 58 years to understand that what I wanted and needed was not Prince Charming charging into my life on a white steed to rescue me with his love, but an equal. And for that, I first had to figure out what I needed. And what I couldn’t do without. This I learned from my previous relationships, so in a way, it wasn’t time wasted even if it felt like it at times.
I also had to figure out who I was - so I’d know what an equivalent was. This I learned from being single, and doing a lot of self work. Therapy, books, meditation, you name it, I tried it.In those years, I took stock of the woman I had become. She was very much the same as the girl, minus the starry eyes, the boundless hope and naïveté, but with a gained understanding of gratitude and knowledge of her strength. It was this woman who met her equal - eight months ago.
My wife read this piece before I posted it. She’s never been threatened by my Paulina pastime and found it exciting that I could have potentially coached my childhood crush. I asked her if I came off poorly or stalker-y or if I was sending out a vibe I didn’t intend. Here’s how she replied:
“I think you come off as nakedly honest about how you felt growing up. In reading this, Paulina could be anybody. She could be one of your clients. She could be me. It’s clear you want to be able to help any woman who’s been hurt and disappointed and wondering what went wrong. You want to give her hope and access to a better life. The only reason you’re writing about Paulina specifically is because you had this typical teenage boy crush on her and because she is highly public with her love life. Otherwise, this advice, for women to value high-character, communicative men, is universal.”
That’s why I married her.
I suspect that’s why Paulina loves Jeff.
He accepts and loves her for who she is. He’s the only man who’s ever done so.
May they both live happily ever after.
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.
You Can Also See Me On…
Wendy Valentine serves an important niche: women in their 40s and 50s dealing with divorce, empty nests, health, fitness, and mindset issues. I was thrilled to banter with her on her Midlife Makeover Show about a subject near and dear to my heart: building confidence after heartbreak and recalibrating your approach to choosing better partners in the future. Enjoy.
You HAVE to Check Out…
Movies - Dirty Dancing - Watched this at my wife’s request on Sunday night. It still holds up. The story. The soundtrack. The LIFT. Jennifer Grey gives a great performance and you can’t go wrong with peak Swayze. My wife is still drooling.
Books - This Book Will Save Your Life by A.M. Homes - Since I’m only one-quarter through the 900-page Barbara Kingsolver book I mentioned last week, I’m going to recommend another favorite novel from a few years back. Homes is an expert in my favorite genre: dysfunctional family fiction with a comic twist. A bit like John Irving - without the penchant for bears.
Substack - The Problem With Grades by Michael Easter - I was one of those kids who knew his GPA down to the fourth decimal point. This is not good, says Easter. While GPA is a fair and neutral measure of academic performance, it doesn’t predict how successful you’ll be in life. I hope raise my kids to be hardworking and conscientious, not grade grubbers.
The Honey Shot
Samantha is an Australian who took Love U during the pandemic. Now, she’s engaged. See how easy this is when you have someone helping you?
Do you have a dating question? A dissent? A Honey Shot? Email questions@evanmarckatz.com or click below.
Thanks for being part of my Love Universe!
Follow Me and Spread the Love
Subscribe to the Love U Podcast
Search My Blog (1000 Questions Answered)
Discover the Best Books on Dating
Cannot tell you how much I loved this. In my opinion it’s the best thing I’ve read written by you. Vulnerable, as your wife said, but also informative and inspirational, as I greatly identify with Paulina. I have not followed her, her life, or her story. But because of you I get to be inspired by her. I am very happy for her as well. What a story Evan. All of it! Including the pictures helped tell this story too, yours and hers.
I feel as though this deserves more comments! I really enjoyed it, Evan. One of your best pieces ever. PS. If you haven't already stumbled upon it on YouTube, I thought you might enjoy this fairly recent 60 Minutes Australia segment about Paulina: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsV-yTTlNzw